I recently had dinner with an old friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a long time. During the meal he told me his mom had had an affair with my dad. He heard about it from one of his relatives. Apparently this secret had been weighing heavily on him for quite a while, since the affair happened several years ago. However, according to him, the affair lasted only a couple of months. Oddly enough, all our parents are still good friends and frequently socialize together.

Being an only child, I am very close with my parents, and I talk to them about pretty much everything. I have always regarded my parents' relationship as the model of a happy marriage. I still do. I have no siblings I can talk to about this. I don't feel comfortable forming an opinion of my parents based solely on third-hand information, information that doesn't address the nature of the affair from my father's perspective. Was it cheating? Perhaps my parents have an open marriage? They do spend a lot of time apart for work reasons. Who knows, maybe sleeping with other people is how they KEEP it a happy marriage? Perhaps my mother has been having affairs as well? Given that my Mom is a jealous person, it all seems unlikely. It is maddening to think that all this might have been going on for years behind a front of uncomplicated tranquility. I have so many unanswered questions, and now my mind is racing with all sorts of scenarios.

My question to you is, given the fact that this affair allegedly happened so many years ago, is it acceptable for me to take my dad aside and ask him about this? Or should I accept that my parents' relationship isn't what I thought it was and take this secret to the grave? Boy, do I wish I hadn't been told this!

Ignorance Was Bliss

My response after the jump...

Take it to the motherfucking grave.

You don't have any proof, IWB, just some third-hand gossip, gossip that could well be malicious. And that's not enough when you're talking about potentially destroying your relationship with your father and/or your parents' relationship with each other. Even a false and unsubstantiated and impossible to disprove accusation—what if your friend's relative was mistaken about who exactly was having an affair with your friend's mother?—could destroy your mom and dad's marriage. If promise you, IWB, that if you pursue this, your father and your mother will wind up feeling the same way you're feeling now: "Boy, do I wish I hadn't been told this!" So do for your parents the favor your old/supposed "friend" should have done for you: leave it the fuck alone.

Maybe your parents are swingers. Maybe they have an open marriage. Maybe your mom had affairs too. Maybe nothing happened. Or maybe your dad had an affair a long time ago and deeply regrets it and has worked like hell to keep it from your mother to protect himself, sure, but also to protect your mother and preserve her sense of security and he's done what he can to make it up to her in a millioned little unacknowledged ways. But whatever went down—if anything went down—your dad isn't having an affair now, IWB, so he's not doing anything that puts your mother's health or security at risk now. So leave it alone. There's no compelling reason to pursue this, no good reason to confront your dad, no need to inform your mom. Your parents are adults and their sex life—a sex life that's just as messy and complicated and compromised as any other long-term couple's sex life—is their business, IWB, not yours.

STFU, BTFO, MYOB.