From the wilds of the I, Anonymous forum:
Believe me, I understand wanting a job in this economy. But did you really expect us to take you seriously when at the top of your resume it says:
CLYDE COCKHOPPER
-AMERICAN CITIZEN-Hooo doggies that made me laugh for a good long time. You are not the person we want speaking to our clients in Texas and California, you fucking bigot.
And you! Our company relies on the honor system, so you took all the pre-employment tests at home before your first interview. And passed! But seriously: Did you think I wasn't going to notice you can't even fucking type? Or talk and think at the same time? And fucking FORGET talking, typing, and thinking at the same time!!!!! Stop asking about tuition reimbursement, employee discounts, paid time off, etc during your first three days of employment. How about we see if you can even do the fucking job first? Which you could not, you fucking LIAR. You were so fucking god-awful my boss won't hire anyone outright anymore—we're getting a contract with Kelly now for some temps. My favorite part was the email you sent to the boss LYING about staying until 7:30 when I walked you out myself at 5:20 the night of the blizzard. Fucking lying sack of shit. Good riddance! In your next endeavor, please excuse yourself & go to the bathroom to fart. Your nickname will forever be "Elephant Shit & Garlic" at our office, you fucking stinky asshole bitch.
And you! P R O F E S S I O N A L I S M. Look it up in the dictionary. I'm pretty sure it doesn't include ripped up jeans, gray hair in a fucking ponytail, and farting long, loud & stanky in the middle of a meeting....
Anonymous's tips for job-seekers—from the propriety of Crocs to the perils of dressing like a roadie for Aerosmith—continue after the jump.
And you! P R O F E S S I O N A L I S M. Look it up in the dictionary. I'm pretty sure it doesn't include ripped up jeans, gray hair in a fucking ponytail, and farting long, loud & stanky in the middle of a meeting. Stop bitching about having to have certain things done before graduation in May—IT IS FEBRUARY, YOU FUCKING HIPPIE STONER. These are things you should've been planning out last August & not 3 months before you graduate!!! And no one will hire you for a co-op job? Why the fuck do you think that is? Is it because you asked me what "dress to impress" meant?? "Is what I have on ok?" Let's see, a wifebeater, flannel shirt, a pair of acid wash jeans that are ripped up to shit & red long johns under them. (Now with shart stains!!!) Well, that depends, who do you think would be impressed by an outfit like that. Dave Matthews? Then yes, absolutely.
Business Attire = 3 pc suit, tie, dress shoes for the guys, skirt, hose, nice blouse for the ladies
Business Casual = means different things to different companies. No rips, no holes, CLEAN, no wrinkles. Think khakis or other dress pants, and a nice shirt or sweater. Nice slacks for the ladies, a nice top or sweater.
Dressing like you're a roadie for Aerosmith isn't going to get you a job, doesn't matter if it's "only at Subway" or whatever other justification you have in your head. It's a VERY competitive market, and if I have 2 identical applicants, I'm not hiring the one who looks like he just smoked 10 doobs backstage at a Jimmy Buffet concert over Jim Halpert Jr.The jobhopper. Hello, Jobhopper. I see here from your resume that you've had 12 fucking jobs in the last 4 years. That averages out to a new job every 12 weeks. Our training program is 6-10 weeks depending on your ability. I'm not spending that kind of time with you only to have you leave in another 2 weeks. You can't expect us to take you seriously, so we didn't.
Mr 3-Page Resume! OMG!!! You work soooo hard! LOLZ! I understand you had a lot of duties at each job, however, these are things to put into another document, print it out & keep it in your padfolio during your interview so you can refer to it when I ask you questions. Ever heard the phrase "Other duties as assigned." ? It's used for a reason. I don't need to know that you changed toner cartridge in addition to being a computer person. You want a cookie for that? Cause honestly I don't give a fuck. I realize you've been out of college almost 30 years, but you don't have to list Every. Fucking. Job. If your resume is more than one page, I'm not reading it.
Boobcrack in the workplace. Really, ladies? I've got an impressive set, way better than yours, but CRACK KILLS!!! Especially when you are over 50. Did you know that your nickname is Hooker Gramma? And for the young ones, this is not the clubs. There are no eligible men here (Jason in accounting could give YOU some pointers on sucking cock), so keep it covered up at work.
Flip Flops/Crocs/other plastic shoes. For a job interview? Really?!?!? Buy a fucking pair of fucking shoes. This isn't a fucking shower or beach, it's an office. Your dogs are barkin. Give em a bath!!!!!
