Slog
News & ArtsMonday, April 4, 2011
Homo Older Gays and Lesbians More Likely to Live Alone, More Likely to Have Health Problems
Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Apr 4, 2011 at 11:20 AM
According to a study.
Older lesbian, gay and bisexual adults in California are more likely to suffer from chronic physical and mental health problems than their heterosexual counterparts, a new analysis has found. They also are less likely to have live-in partners or adult children who can help care for them.
Now maybe the problem is that "gay culture tends to be youth-driven," as one of the researchers theorizes, because you know gay men are crazy for hot college boys. Or it could be that older gay men and lesbians came of age at a time when homophobia and discrimination were much more toxic and pervasive, when there was no support whatsoever—no marriage rights, no domestic partnership benefits—for same-sex couples, when our families-of-origin were much more likely to be extremely hostile, and when it was much more difficult for out gay men and lesbians to start their own families (we couldn't adopt, undergo artificial insemination, hire surrogates, etc.). And childless gay men and lesbians who were cast out or cut off by families-of-origin decades ago are less likely to know, much less have relationships with, the same nieces, nephews, and cousins that their older, single, childless straight relatives rely on for support. And in the case of gay men over 50, it could be that they lost many of their peers, friends, lovers, and partners to a deadly epidemic.
In short, there are a lot of reasons why the first generation of gays and lesbians to live openly might not have the same kind of support in old age that their straight peers do. Blaming the fact that gay people, like straight people, find the young and hot to be young and hot shifts the blame.
The oppression of sexual minorities warps lives. There's less oppression now than there used to be, thanks to the sacrifices and bravery of LGBT people who came out when it was much riskier to be out, which means there will be less warping—and less loneliness and less isolation and less despair—as gays and lesbians under 50 grow older. But you can't look at the lives of gay men and lesbians who are between the ages of 50 and 70 now without asking yourself what it was like to come of age as a gay man or a lesbian then—that is, thirty, forty, fifty, and sixty years ago. (Hint: it was a hell of a lot harder.)
1
I'm glad you linked to this, but I think you may have missed what the researcher was talking about. He wasn't saying elders' problems were created by a youth-driven gay culture. He was saying the strong focus on youth is one reason gays may not be taking enough attention of the suffering their elders are experiencing - whatever the cause.
I mean, yes, that's a nice hammer you have there, but not everything is a nail...
I mean, yes, that's a nice hammer you have there, but not everything is a nail...
3
I'm right in the middle of that fifty to seventy. Yes, there was a lot of rejection. And yes, it could be stressful being gay. But I would not have my life any other way. I have known some of the very best of my generation. People with big hearts and even bigger minds. I relish every moment. Old age is not a pleasant thing for anybody. And it comes on you like a thief, robbing you of all the things you take for granted. But it's a part of life and I have lived much longer than most humans have lived. So I won't complain. But I will add this for younger people who might read this. Life is tough for most everybody. Don't make it more difficult than it needs to be with bad decisions about alcohol and drugs. Everything in moderation. And learn how to cook good foods. They keep you healthy and help your body deal with stress.
4
Lots of older gay men don't have now (or ever have had?) a need to be in a partnership. "too many hassles", "too much unpleasantness" are the type of excuses I hear. So they spend their youth filling up on sex, sex, sex and forget the rest of what makes life worth living.
Alas, when one arrives at 50+ and one's sex appeal is on the wane, a partner or a few nieces/nephews can come in handy. While I agree it was harder to be out in the olden days, it has never meant a complete severing of *all* family ties in *most* families. However, cultivating familial relationships takes time and often forgiveness, and many older queers I know have never desired to put in that time. We reap what we sow, regardless of sexuality or religion.
Alas, when one arrives at 50+ and one's sex appeal is on the wane, a partner or a few nieces/nephews can come in handy. While I agree it was harder to be out in the olden days, it has never meant a complete severing of *all* family ties in *most* families. However, cultivating familial relationships takes time and often forgiveness, and many older queers I know have never desired to put in that time. We reap what we sow, regardless of sexuality or religion.
5
It's well documented that single straight men (maybe women, too, but I forget) suffer from lower life expectancies, health problems, and a bunch of other issues. I'm sure the same causes that underlie this phenomenon also play a role for single gays and lesbians as well.
6
@4 actually, it's a high risk factor.
Being single is ok, but the major problem as one ages is that nobody is there to notice when you have a health problem. In rural areas, a lot of older gays way back when used to live in group homes or share houses or have visitors that would check up on them at least once a day.
Being single is ok, but the major problem as one ages is that nobody is there to notice when you have a health problem. In rural areas, a lot of older gays way back when used to live in group homes or share houses or have visitors that would check up on them at least once a day.
7
Last month, Pam Spaulding mentioned a San Francisco Human Rights Commission study which found that bisexuals have a higher suicide rate, experience higher rates of depression and hypertension, and have a higher poverty rate than gays or lesbians. I wondered if you'd had time to read it?
8
During research for an article on SF services for elderly LBTQs, a social worker pointed out to me that as young adults lots of gay folks had to make big breaks with their families because of intolerance and moved across country to be someplace (SF) where they'd be accepted. So they're far from what might have been a support system under better circumstances, and as they age, they have less help. We talked about other factors too, which folks have mentioned above, but this one stuck with me. It's like an extra, unfair emotional tax on people, that they have this problem as they age as well. It was a big issue for this agency I was writing about.
10
I have a lot of gay friends who married for a while, had kids and then came out. I kind of wish I had gone this route. Being 53 without kids to care for you is a big loss.
11
As a member of a younger LGBT generation that owes its freedom and security to these people's hard work and sacrifice, what can I do to help? Are there LGBT elderly care services that need help? Money? Volunteers?
12
The report mentions two in California, Gay & Lesbian Elder Housing (GLEH, www.gleh.org) in Los Angeles, which provides affordable housing, and Openhouse (www.openhouse-sf.org)
in San Francisco, which provides housing and community services for LGBT older adults.
If you're asking about Washington State or the Seattle area, I confess I have no idea - I think the Slog linked a couple years ago to an article the Seattle Times did on a co-op owned by LGBT elders on an island nearby, but that's the only coverage I can remember about this....
in San Francisco, which provides housing and community services for LGBT older adults.
If you're asking about Washington State or the Seattle area, I confess I have no idea - I think the Slog linked a couple years ago to an article the Seattle Times did on a co-op owned by LGBT elders on an island nearby, but that's the only coverage I can remember about this....
13
jeffy @10:
It's not too late. Find some young 18 to 20-something who has been disowned by his or her family, and adopt him or her.
It's not too late. Find some young 18 to 20-something who has been disowned by his or her family, and adopt him or her.
14
Dan, your words speak big truths! I am 57, happily married (partially in thanks to you), and I find that connection to community is vital. I am blessed to live in a great rural area with wonderful neighbors. Of course, I am OUT to all of my neighbors, and to all of my co-workers. Neither of us speak with our families of origin.
15
we need a reverse big brother program - little sisters and brothers who can take older queer people to the store or the doctor or just check in on them. let's face it: we totally owe them for their bravery.
16
Great article. I would like to see the older Gay and Lesbian people who helped pave the way for the rest of us receive more support, recognition, and be honoured more. Vietnam vets get compensation, how about these vets? Hopefully this will spur a dialogue to see some action
18
In a way, I almost don't mind having some hardships. In three decades' time, when my last boyfriend reaches that age group, he'll be walking proof that Things Definitely Got Better. If anything, his difficulty will be being able to squeeze more people of all ages into his life. If anyone can deserve to have it all, he does and he will. And even though it's a silly superstition, it does make it a little easier to cope cheerfully with my own travails by thinking that he won't have the same trouble in his turn.
19
From personal observation and experience, I would say that the situation for us older gay people (all-inclusive, because I'm an old fart and that's how we talk) has changed a lot since we were young and hot (or just young). When I came out, there was an enormous amount of intra-community support because we all knew that we were our only family. The drag community in the 1960s did a tremendous job of rallying the troops, both for personal involvement and for financial contributions. The AIDS crisis wiped out much of my generation and changed the focus of the young ones behind me to be more on HIV and less on all-round community, I believe. And it burnt so many of us out, who survived the worst of the crisis. There are indeed agencies, formal and informal, in urban areas (Alameda County, CA, has Lavender Senior Services, a great group), but the responsibility is still on all of us to cultivate chosen families. I'm retired and looking after an 80-year-old friend who is taking care of and living with a 97-year-old former lover. I don't have a 40-year-old behind me. And the broken link means that there isn't a 25-year-old behind the non-existent 40-year-old.
20
From personal observation and experience, I would say that the situation for us older gay people (all-inclusive, because I'm an old fart and that's how we talk) has changed a lot since we were young and hot (or just young). When I came out, there was an enormous amount of intra-community support because we all knew that we were our only family. The drag community in the 1960s did a tremendous job of rallying the troops, both for personal involvement and for financial contributions, and they're still doing that. But the AIDS crisis wiped out much of my generation and changed the focus of the young ones behind me to be more on HIV and less on all-round community, I believe. And it burnt so many of us out, who survived the worst of the crisis caring for others.
There are indeed agencies, formal and informal, in urban areas (Alameda County, CA, has Lavender Senior Services, a great group), but the responsibility is still on all of us to cultivate chosen families. I'm retired and looking after an 80-year-old friend who is taking care of and living with a 97-year-old former lover. I don't have a 40-year-old behind me. And the broken link means that there isn't a 25-year-old behind the non-existent 40-year-old.
There are indeed agencies, formal and informal, in urban areas (Alameda County, CA, has Lavender Senior Services, a great group), but the responsibility is still on all of us to cultivate chosen families. I'm retired and looking after an 80-year-old friend who is taking care of and living with a 97-year-old former lover. I don't have a 40-year-old behind me. And the broken link means that there isn't a 25-year-old behind the non-existent 40-year-old.
22
As if straight culture isn't youth-driven? It seems like every other culture in the world has a greater respect for the elderly than ours does. Sigh.
I'm 49 & I found out recently that geriatric dementia runs in my family (mom had it, brother who's 13 years older has it). Shit, if I get to 65 & forget whether I had lunch or not, and there's not someone around to help me, I don't know what the fuck I'll do. Because, when the time comes, the sad reality is that you can't count on your "gay family" to empty your drool cup.
I'm 49 & I found out recently that geriatric dementia runs in my family (mom had it, brother who's 13 years older has it). Shit, if I get to 65 & forget whether I had lunch or not, and there's not someone around to help me, I don't know what the fuck I'll do. Because, when the time comes, the sad reality is that you can't count on your "gay family" to empty your drool cup.
23
It wasn't much fun, because 1) the word "homosexual" rarely appeared anywhere outside of the dictionary and medical texts, and 2) the entire medical profession - well ALL professions and all religious leaders - considered gays at best to be mentally ill and badly in need of psychiatric help to be "cured".
There were literally no alternatives to this, and once you realized as a teen that you were gay, you had to be smart enough - totally on your own, there was probably NOBODY that you could safely talk with! - to somehow figure out that the entire establishment was completely full of shit (ironically this was good training for later life). Absolutely everything was against you on this path, and no matter how successful you became later, its effects are still burned into your brain.
There were literally no alternatives to this, and once you realized as a teen that you were gay, you had to be smart enough - totally on your own, there was probably NOBODY that you could safely talk with! - to somehow figure out that the entire establishment was completely full of shit (ironically this was good training for later life). Absolutely everything was against you on this path, and no matter how successful you became later, its effects are still burned into your brain.
24
@ 23
My mother "researched" homosexuality in 1963 when I came out and decided, chiefly on the authority of Dr. Joyce Brothers, I believe, that being gay was like being an alcoholic -- if you just made up your mind, you'd never take another drink. Then she told me she and my dad had decided that while I was making up my mind I shouldn't bother to contact them because they wouldn't respond; they were too ashamed, she said, to face their neighbors and were moving to a different state to get away from the humiliation I had caused. Yes, the effects are still burned into my brain.
My mother "researched" homosexuality in 1963 when I came out and decided, chiefly on the authority of Dr. Joyce Brothers, I believe, that being gay was like being an alcoholic -- if you just made up your mind, you'd never take another drink. Then she told me she and my dad had decided that while I was making up my mind I shouldn't bother to contact them because they wouldn't respond; they were too ashamed, she said, to face their neighbors and were moving to a different state to get away from the humiliation I had caused. Yes, the effects are still burned into my brain.
25
@23. Calpete. I'm sorry. That's so awful.
I really would like to see some movement start - to look after the older LGBT people. And I hope it's not just for the current ageing population, but for me too.
I really would like to see some movement start - to look after the older LGBT people. And I hope it's not just for the current ageing population, but for me too.
26
I'm getting ready to hit the BIG 7-0. I retired in South Florida four years ago and made the mistake of moving to a very conservative mid sized city in TN just because I love the mountains. I am ready to move again (if my body will obey my brain) because I don't want to live the rest of my life in the closet; been there, done that. I need a sense of community I'll never find where I am now. My advice?...help and be helped by the LGBT community in your area, just make sure there IS one before you take such a giant step!!
Advertisement
Most Commented on Slog
-
SL Letter of the Day: The Tell-Tale Handjob by Dan Savage
-
Foie Gras Tastes Like Cat Food by Callan Berry
-
Cap Hill Is Becoming a Little Like What? by Charles Mudede
-
SL Letter of the Day: Let Me Think... by Dan Savage
-
Pizza Update: Breaking the 5-Minute Barrier by Goldy
-
President Obama Says NSA Spying Is "Transparent" by Paul Constant
-
Slog Bible Study: Leviticus 20:9 by Goldy
-
GOP Congressman: We Have to Ban Abortion Because Fetuses Are Masturbating In There by Dan Savage
-
War Reporter Michael Hastings, Dead at 33 by Ansel Herz
-
Less Than a Quarter of Americans Have Confidence in Newspapers by Eli Sanders
Stranger Personals
The Stranger
RSSSeattle Art & Performance Quarterly
A complete guide to Seattle's current art, film, dance, and theater season.
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (27) RSS