Okay, so it's one thing for this Cody Simpson character to try and ride Justin Beiber's butt-hairs to success—BECAUSE IT AIN'T GONNA WORK. You, sir, will NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVERRRRRRR have even a microscopic speck of the success enjoyed by the greatest pop artist this world has ever known, Das Beebs. So just quit trying to win over our hearts via our stomachs with your newest promotional product/breakfast cereal, Cody Crunch.

It comes in four different hippie flavors including "Choco Goji," "Multigrain Flakes" (BLEGGHHH!!), "Healthy Hoops," and "Apple." WHAT? You couldn't think of a better flavor name than "Apple"? How about "Anus-y Apple," or "Ass-Kissing Apple," because that's what you are, Cody! A goddamn no-talent ass-kisser! Apparently it also contains "155 calories and 6 grams of sugar" (BOOOOOO!!! THIS IS GONNA TASTE LIKE SHIT!!!), and a whopping 17% of your daily recommendation of fiber. (Actually, that's good news for me. I haven't taken a decent dump since Tuesday.)

This aggression will not stand! If Justin Bieber won't create his own cereal, then we'll have to do it for him! Please suggest a name for a Justin Bieber cereal in the comments, and I'll get those pothead idiots up in our art department to mock up a box for us, because this aggression will not stand! Sorry. Already said that.