by Dan Savage
on Fri, May 6, 2011 at 4:06 PM
In your response last week to "Classy Lady", you told her that "a woman who is pregnant and has decided to have an abortion should tell the guy who knocked her up about the pregnancy and her decision to abort...unless she sincerely believes...that the guy is gonna bully, badger, and/or be violent toward her in an attempt to prevent her from choosing abortion."
I'm a 21-y.o. female dating a 26-y.o. guy who has 6 kids by 5 different women (one of whom passed away a month after giving birth), and in explaining to me how these kids came about, he mentioned that none of the pregnancies were planned (at least three of them happened only after one sexual encounter) but that he is adamantly against abortion and would refuse to allow a woman to abort his children. He has mentioned to me several times throughout the course of our (four-month) relationship his desire for me to stop taking my birth control pills, insisting that being with me makes him feel ready to start a family and that our child(ren) would be the only ones that he wanted to have. Are these red flags? I mean, he is a great father, has been through a lot in his life to the point where I would understand how he has made destructive &/or inadvisable choices in his past (his youngest is 3), and as time goes on he seems more comfortable confiding in me and opening up to me about his life.
I wish that was the only contentious issue; a couple of days ago, he brought me to his apartment (which I had never been to before and where his most-recent baby-mother and their child are staying since she just moved back to town). A couple of times before he brought me over he asked me if I would be willing to have a threesome, which is something I am not entirely opposed to if the conditions were right. But then he told me it would be with this baby-mother because she is bisexual and he trusts her and wouldn't want to bring just anyone into our relationship. I was entirely opposed to this and feel as though I made it clear to him. However, later that evening and into the next morning, she basically cock-blocked us and then they both passively propositioned me the next morning, as he grabbed both of us to him and she asked me whether I was down or not. I missed many opportunities to speak up or ask her to leave us alone, and also shut down a couple of times when he asked me what was on my mind because I wanted to speak to him at length in private. I wonder if they have been fooling around in the week or so that they have been staying together and whether this was orchestrated behind my back the whole time, or whether I can even trust him in spite of all that we have been through and our normally great relationship/communication. I also haven't heard from him since.
I know this whole thing might sound ridiculous but I really need a dose of reality and perspective that I hope you are willing to provide to me, even if you don't print this.
Too Heartbroken and Confused to Think of a Clever Acronym