Are you old enough to remember the introduction of the pill? Free love? The Hite Report? Bellbottoms? Stonewall? Bra burnings? The Love Boat? The Vietnam War? Nixon? Watergate? All those traumatizing line drawings of dirty hippies getting it on in The Joy of Sex? The zipless fuck? Remember when people started "getting into" oral sex? Remember how confusing and disorientating all of that was? And do you remember how, when you were confused and disoriented, you raped all those children?

A study commissioned by U.S. Roman Catholic bishops concludes that neither the all-male celibate priesthood nor homosexuality caused the church's sexual abuse crisis, The New York Times reported on Tuesday. The five-year study says the abuse occurred because priests who were poorly prepared and monitored, and were under stress, landed amid the social and sexual turmoil of the 1960s and '70s, according to the newspaper. The "blame Woodstock" explanation has been floated by bishops for years but the study was likely to be regarded as the most authoritative analysis of the scandal in the Catholic Church in America, The Times reported.

Wait—you didn't rape children? Well, I guess you're made of stronger stuff than God's representatives on earth...

Christ ordered that the Catholic priest not only should represent Him upon earth, but that he should be, as it were, Himself again, raising him above the rest of mankind, nay, above all angelic spirits who admire, with holy envy, those among the sons of men whom they see clothed with sacerdotal dignity. Thus the seraphic St. Francis was wont to say that, were he to meet at one time an angel and a priest, he would first salute the priest.

I guess the takeaway here is this: Keep things on an even keel—not too much social change, not too quickly—or God's representatives here on earth will rape your kids.