Slog

Slog Music

Music, Nightlife,
and Drinks

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Mark Driscoll on Masturbation

Posted by on Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 11:09 AM

Excerpted from the bad pastor's booklet Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God's Men:

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he's watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.

Every day, in every way, Mark Driscoll seems more and more like one of those devoted heterosexual husbands who begins the love-making process by holding a copy of Mandate over his wife's face.

Thank you, Slog tipper FW.

 

Comments (42) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
scary tyler moore 1
it's not safe to click on 'mandate' at work, is it?
Posted by scary tyler moore http://pushymcshove.blogspot.com/ on October 12, 2011 at 11:16 AM · Report this
prompt 2
Masturbating while staring at yourself in the mirror? I had no idea that was even a thing. Very interesting imagination you have there buddy.
Posted by prompt on October 12, 2011 at 11:17 AM · Report this
3
So, ALL men are at least a little bit gay??
Posted by bpinsea on October 12, 2011 at 11:17 AM · Report this
David Schmader 4
It's actually just the Wikipedia page! SFW! (Sample cover shot shows only a guy in a Speedo.)
Posted by David Schmader on October 12, 2011 at 11:17 AM · Report this
seandr 5
He's either a closet case, or he's trying to pressure women into putting out more because, gosh, they wouldn't want to force their men into having gay solo sex, would they?

Posted by seandr on October 12, 2011 at 11:20 AM · Report this
MacCrocodile 6
@2 - The first draft of the booklet went on for forty pages, detailing all the ways a guy could accidentally be gay. There were diagrams.
Posted by MacCrocodile http://maccrocodile.com/ on October 12, 2011 at 11:27 AM · Report this
Asparagus! 7
Whelp, turns out I'm really really gay. Thanks Mark.
Posted by Asparagus! on October 12, 2011 at 11:28 AM · Report this
Bub 8
Have you seen the film Higher Ground, David? If not, you really should for a few reasons. One, Vera Farmiga gives a sensational, Oscar-worthy performance. Two, there are some humorous but also earnest scenes involving Christian men and women discussing sex rather sensibly. It is great.
Posted by Bub on October 12, 2011 at 11:28 AM · Report this
Fnarf 9
Truly amazing. What if you stand in front of the mirror and flex your pecs for hours on end? Because you KNOW Driscoll's doing that.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on October 12, 2011 at 11:30 AM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 10
Chapter 1: "God basically called his people tramps for lifting up their shirts like it was Mardi Gras and chasing men with huge penises and semen emissions like fire hoses."
Posted by TheMisanthrope on October 12, 2011 at 11:36 AM · Report this
David Schmader 11
8: Not yet, but just yesterday I was thinking again that I need to see it before it leaves theaters. It sounds right up my alley.
Posted by David Schmader on October 12, 2011 at 11:37 AM · Report this
Hernandez 12
Sometimes I think that these preacher-types must spend more time thinking about gay sex than all but the horniest of gay men. Granted, sometimes that's because they are actually really horny closeted gay men.
Posted by Hernandez http://hernandezlist.blogspot.com on October 12, 2011 at 11:37 AM · Report this
David K 13
Always eager to get the last word in, Mark's closing section of Porn-Again Christian is directed at regular manly men AND fighting manly men:

(SFW)

http://i55.tinypic.com/4qsuiv.png
Posted by David K http://www.luriddigs.com on October 12, 2011 at 11:38 AM · Report this
Vince 14
People listen to this bozo? What a schmuck.
Posted by Vince on October 12, 2011 at 11:43 AM · Report this
15
@5: Well, he once implied that Ted Haggard strayed because his wife didn't make herself sexy enough...so yeah, that's pretty much exactly what he's saying.
Posted by Orv on October 12, 2011 at 11:43 AM · Report this
Geni 16
In all my years of experience, I have never once masturbated while staring at myself in the mirror. Ergo, I am not a total narcissist (Mark, honeypie, narcissists are not necessarily homersexshuls...you can calm down and go back to making love to your own image).
Posted by Geni on October 12, 2011 at 11:56 AM · Report this
Agent Michael Scarn 17
This is bad news for Buffalo Bill.
Posted by Agent Michael Scarn http://twitter.com/Jukebox_Hobo on October 12, 2011 at 11:58 AM · Report this
18
Scene: The Driscoll boudoir.

Pastor: Let's make love.
Wife: Sorry, just not feeling it tonight.
Pastor: OK, let me just rub one out next to you.
Wife: Ewww, really not feeling it. I'm going downstairs.
Pastor: !!??!!!! Wait for me, honey!

Que Yakkity Sax soundtrack while the good Pastor follows his wife from room to room with an old gym sock...
Posted by Action Slacks on October 12, 2011 at 12:03 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 19
yet his flock keeps growing. one suspects they don't really pay much attention to the fine print and are there for the light show.
Posted by Max Solomon on October 12, 2011 at 12:04 PM · Report this
sirkowski 20
That's exactly the point of view my friends and I had when we were 10 years old. Masturbation is gay, even though we were all doing it. I think we can be excused for being dumb kids who didn't know better. That guy is an adult. What's his excuse?
Posted by sirkowski http://www.missdynamite.com on October 12, 2011 at 12:05 PM · Report this
reverend dr dj riz 21
@11...it's gone.. i mean unless you want to travel down to tacoma to see it...and also...
i always suspected that there were WAY more gay men then the official estimates . and most of the new ones are holed up in bible schools waiting to be scooped up by us recruiters..YAY-yuh !
Posted by reverend dr dj riz on October 12, 2011 at 12:08 PM · Report this
Original Andrew 22
I've seen plenty of ostensibly "straight" guys eyeball fucking themselves in the mirrors at the gym.
Posted by Original Andrew on October 12, 2011 at 12:14 PM · Report this
Original Andrew 23
Oh and can we just reality check that straight men are paying this krazee fucker tons of their doe-rey-mi to tell them that they're homos when they jack off? Just when you think the locals can't go even more insane...
Posted by Original Andrew on October 12, 2011 at 12:25 PM · Report this
Rob in Baltimore 24
Are you talking about this guy? http://mytwocents.files.wordpress.com/20… He's not the least bit gay....
Posted by Rob in Baltimore http://www.wishbookweb.com/ on October 12, 2011 at 12:46 PM · Report this
very bad homo 25
See? All Christian men are secretly gay.
Posted by very bad homo on October 12, 2011 at 12:58 PM · Report this
David K 26
My problem as a homosexual man who often masturbates in front of a mirror is that I would do Mark Driscoll in a heartbeat.

I've a fetish for guys with big, square meatheads (that sport puka shell necklaces).
Posted by David K http://www.luriddigs.com on October 12, 2011 at 1:04 PM · Report this
Cato the Younger Younger 27
I keep telling you guys I've seen Driscoll walk out of Club Z on several occasions early on Sunday mornings.
Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on October 12, 2011 at 1:19 PM · Report this
ScrawnyKayaker 28
@26 Whisky Tango FUCK! Not right after lunch! Now I have to clean vomit off my imagination.
Posted by ScrawnyKayaker on October 12, 2011 at 1:28 PM · Report this
scary tyler moore 29
@27 then it's time to stake out club z!
Posted by scary tyler moore http://pushymcshove.blogspot.com/ on October 12, 2011 at 1:34 PM · Report this
Original Andrew 30
@ 27,

I'm sure he prays for forgiveness every time he blows his load on the suck-ramp.
Posted by Original Andrew on October 12, 2011 at 1:59 PM · Report this
this guy I know in Spokane 31
This is pure gold for anyone who fantasizes about straight guys.

...Or so I would guess. Ahem.
Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on October 12, 2011 at 1:59 PM · Report this
David K 32
@ 27 -- At first I thought you meant http://www.zebraclub.com/

Which wasn't a hard stretch given Mark's penchant for heraldic imagery silkscreened hipster duds.

But now my mind is reeling with the possibilities of Club Z on a Sunday -- amyl caps clutched tightly in my shaking hand. What time do they open? (Or not close?)
Posted by David K http://www.luriddigs.com on October 12, 2011 at 2:15 PM · Report this
rob! 33
Hahaha. Reminds me of a Penthouse Forum "letter" from oh-so-long-ago, from a college guy who comes back to his dorm room and catches his roommate self-fellating, guy pretends disgust, roomie says "You think I'm a homo, right? Well, that makes you one too, because if you beat off it means you can stand to hold onto a dick. How long do you think it's gonna be before you're beating other people's meat?"

The story ends, as it must, with roomie teaching guy to blow his own horn.

[Penthouse Forum had maybe 5-10% gay/bi "letters" and was, in the Carboniferous Era before the Silicon Age, a way for gay guys to get porn at the 7-11 without raising too much suspicion.]
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on October 12, 2011 at 2:18 PM · Report this
Confluence 34
And, naturally, he doesn't mention women masturbating alone as being "gay" because, ya know, that's like hot for a straight dude to imagine so we don't want to discourage *that*. That's a-okay by The Lord.

This guy is a complete fucking dipshit.
Posted by Confluence on October 12, 2011 at 7:35 PM · Report this
Just Jeff 35
Never knew about "Mandate". However, there are plenty of straight alternatives.

Comedian Brian Posehn (you'll know him if you Google him) admits that he masturbates "whenever (my wife) is out of the room". Other studies seem to confirm this simple fact: floggin' the log is universal, and situationally dependent.

Aside from that, morality seems a bit irrelevant.

Posted by Just Jeff on October 12, 2011 at 8:50 PM · Report this
Frau Blucher 36
I must really be gay, 'cause I'd fuck myself, if only I could manage it to reach firmly into place.
Posted by Frau Blucher on October 14, 2011 at 6:53 AM · Report this
Frau Blucher 37
Jeebus - I just read what this douche wrote and apparently looking at porn and masturbating will turn you into Ted Bundy.

Posted by Frau Blucher on October 14, 2011 at 7:30 AM · Report this
38
kkkristians: Cant live with 'em, cant feed em to the lions....
Posted by islandsoles on October 14, 2011 at 9:21 AM · Report this
39
@18 Doooood! You just made me snarf my yogurt!
Posted by Dave#791 on October 14, 2011 at 2:23 PM · Report this
40
I bet this must be a bestseller...
Posted by Feeling sexy on October 18, 2011 at 9:09 AM · Report this
41
..so if you have oral and anal sex with another man, BUT in the presence of your wife, or another woman.... you are NOT gay? This person has to be one of the most sexually repressed I ever heard of. I typically question the sexuality of men this homophobic. The fact is, most human beings are to a degree bisexual by nature. It's society that causes us to claim that we are either straight or gay. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scal…) Our bodies are a vessel for the eternal soul. Love who you love and stop worrying about how you measure up to a book of fairy tales written thousands of years ago to control and repress vast groups of people. My gosh, they thought the world was flat back then.
Posted by mrdk2115 on January 7, 2013 at 4:05 AM · Report this
42
..so if you have oral and anal sex with another man, BUT in the presence of your wife, or another woman.... you are NOT gay? This person has to be one of the most sexually repressed I've ever heard of. I typically question the sexuality of men this homophobic. The fact is, most human beings are, to a degree, bisexual by nature. It's society that causes us to claim that we are either straight or gay. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scal…) Our bodies are a vessel for the eternal soul. Love who you love and stop worrying about how you measure up to a book of fairy tales written thousands of years ago to control and repress vast groups of people. My gosh, they thought the world was flat back then
Posted by mrdk2115 on January 7, 2013 at 4:09 AM · Report this

Add a comment

Advertisement
 

Want great deals and a chance to win tickets to the best shows in Seattle? Join The Stranger Presents email list!


All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC
1535 11th Ave (Third Floor), Seattle, WA 98122
Contact | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy