Slog
News & ArtsMonday, November 21, 2011
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Sex and the Demanding Boyfriend
Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Nov 21, 2011 at 4:37 PM
I'm a twenty-year-old female college student living with my twenty-three-year-old boyfriend. We've been dating for two years and our sex life has always been awesome. My boyfriend has a high libido, so high that I can't always get him off when he wants it (which is about four times a day on average). He says I don't want to have sex with him, when we have sex probably four times a week and I'm totally happy to give him head, jerk him off, or take off my clothes for him any other time he asks. Whenever we sit down together, he's immediately horny. He can't get things done, he irritates me with his constant asking, and he gets cranky when I have to say no. Is this a ridiculously high libido? I try to be GGG, and he does the same for me, it's just tiring feeling so guilty about not having sex with him constantly. I've started just telling him to masturbate to porn and he does it willingly but usually whines a little to me first about how I "never" want to have sex. Totally false! My body just can't take it every day. What do I do? I have a life beyond sex!
My Boyfriend Is Incredibly Horny
My response after the jump...
················
At two years your boyfriend is getting vaginal intercourse four times a week plus handjobs, blowjobs, and visuals—you standing there with your clothes off—whenever he likes? And a cheerful okay to watch porn and jerk it when he feels the need?
You're not trying to be GGG, MBIIH, you are GGG.
Your boyfriend doesn't realize how good he's got it, MBIIH. He has a high libido, so does his girlfriend, and he doesn't lack for sex. What he lacks is perspective: he clearly doesn't understand or appreciate what it's like to be on the receiving end of all that dick. Saying something like this might help him understand: "You know I love you, honey, and you know I love having sex with you. But if your hole got fucked each and every time we had 'sex,' you wouldn't want to have 'sex' more than four times a week either." (I'm putting "sex" in quotes here because your boyfriend defines sex as "vaginal intercourse." I don't. In fact, I think oral, handjobs, and visuals-with-a-partner also count as sex.)
If that doesn't do the trick, MBIIH, buy your boyfriend a dildo that's roughly the same size as his dick. Then tell him that he can fuck your hole whenever he wants—so long as he fucks his own hole first, while you watch, for a good twenty minutes. Then he can fuck yours.
That might help him appreciate how good he's got it.
2
This girl is like a fantasy dream come true for 99% of straight men out there, and this guy is a putz.
Wow.
Wow.
4
Just when I forget what it was like to be young, you drag me back in time. Maybe it would be better to set exact days and times. That way he can't be bothering you all the time.
5
Yeah, I really think a lot of guys don't realize that we get sore after a while and it can begin to feel really uncomfortable and scratchy. She should mention that.
6
4 times a day? How can his dick even take that? He should be cumming air at that point.
I'm happy with once every other day, and I'm a gay guy! This guy needs to have a nut removed or something.
I'm happy with once every other day, and I'm a gay guy! This guy needs to have a nut removed or something.
7
Perfect response. Patting her on the back for being GGG, providing perspective, and not piling on an overzealous 23 year old who probably isn't used to having a sex partner available constantly, while still giving the sarcastic (but practical) response he deserves for his whining.
It's almost like Dan has had some practice at this stuff.
It's almost like Dan has had some practice at this stuff.
10
Oh, God, I used to be good for a lot more than four when I was that age. Those were the days.
But yeah, he needs to STFU and be thankful for what he's getting.
But yeah, he needs to STFU and be thankful for what he's getting.
11
Entitled and unappreciative. I get the feeling that he's only going to realize how good he's got it when he steps over a line and is thrown to the curb, then encounters others with "average" to lower drive.
12
Awesome response! But really, she should save the dildo money and DTMFA for a guy who would realize what an awesome gf he has. He's not worth the $50 for the lesson.
13
How do people actually get anything DONE when they're having sex FOUR TIMES A DAY? Baffling.
Anyway, to your question MBIIH: Yes, his libido is on the Very High side of things. And I think following Dan's advice... to fuck him at least four times A WEEK with a dildo of his own size is a good way to introduce some sexual perspective to him. Another useful tool might be to create & post a chart with days of the week, and make a tick mark every time you two have any sort of sex. That might create an objective indicator for how much sex you actually have. Hopefully addressing his condemnation of "never!"
Speaking as a boy, I've observed (and reflected) that boys can be incredibly blind to other people's reality. Time to create some objective reality-checks.
Anyway, to your question MBIIH: Yes, his libido is on the Very High side of things. And I think following Dan's advice... to fuck him at least four times A WEEK with a dildo of his own size is a good way to introduce some sexual perspective to him. Another useful tool might be to create & post a chart with days of the week, and make a tick mark every time you two have any sort of sex. That might create an objective indicator for how much sex you actually have. Hopefully addressing his condemnation of "never!"
Speaking as a boy, I've observed (and reflected) that boys can be incredibly blind to other people's reality. Time to create some objective reality-checks.
15
@12
$50? You can get a cheapo for a lot less that will do even better at getting the point across. Let's not rush things here.
$50? You can get a cheapo for a lot less that will do even better at getting the point across. Let's not rush things here.
16
I hate her boyfriend. But still, I think Dan's measured response is more fair and helpful than a simple DTMFA.
The only downside is the slim possibility that this entitled douche will enjoy having his ass fucked, just adding to the burden on his very sweet girlfriend. Slim chances, I know, but this horndog sounds like such a male nympho (I know, an antique and somewhat offensive word) that the possibility is non-negligible.
The only downside is the slim possibility that this entitled douche will enjoy having his ass fucked, just adding to the burden on his very sweet girlfriend. Slim chances, I know, but this horndog sounds like such a male nympho (I know, an antique and somewhat offensive word) that the possibility is non-negligible.
17
People, DTMFA is for bad, fucked up situations. This is not that. The guy is inconsiderate, but so were all of you when you were in your early 20s. And she isn't complaining about anything else - so emotional abuse, no physical abuse, no cheating, no freeloading, no other problems. Just typical dumb kid stuff that they'll grow out of.
18
Or just open the relationship up. If these kids are anywhere near SF I will blow him or I can have one of my GFs blow him multiple times a day. Not a problem, and we can whatever the rest.
19
Four times a day every day... if he's constantly masturbating on top of his demands, he maaaay want to see if he has an addiction. The 'never gets anything done' line jumps at me.
Otherwise, yes this guy is a demanding idiot.
Otherwise, yes this guy is a demanding idiot.
20
I like to fuck more than the average person, but even I would get pissed if my boyfriend got instantly bonerized every time he sat down next to me. What kind of relationship is that? Of course your partner is going to think about sex when they look at you, but you hope that they're capable of thinking about other things too, at least every once in a while.
21
Not clear why Dan Savage continues to pump out this crap while Occupy protesters are brutalized. The band plays on.
23
@21 -- Hey, nobody's forcing you to read this. Nothing's stopping you from clicking on Dominic Holden's article and commenting on what a giant tragedy it is that a homeless teenager had a miscarriage.
24
Okay, reading the response, it was like a weight was just lifted off me. I've been making an effort to make sure my boyfriend & I have penetrative sex (of the vaginal kind) at least 3 times a week, plus blow jobs, hand jobs, coming on my boobs... but all this time I've been feeling guilty for not having penetrative sex him at least once a day, and feeling like anything else I do is just a consolation prize. I figured, I'm young, I should be able fuck him every day, isn't that normal? And now the guilt has melted away. Hallelujah. Keep up the good work, Dan.
26
@24, life is always a compromise. It's most often not about what "should be the case" (shouldn't I be able to fuck him every day, as he wants? shouldn't he be able to control himself and only fuck me when I want to? .... ah! such questions...), but about "what can we do together that will be good for both of us"?
If your boyfriend is really horribly unhappy with what (in his opinion) is too little sex -- if his desire for more is stronger than all he gets from your relationship -- he's certainly entitled to try to find a partner that will give him that (or give him an open relationship). If you are really horribly unhappy with having to satisfy what (in your opinion) are his constant demands for sex, you're certainly entitled to try to find a partner that will give you waht you want -- sex a little less often.
And, who knows? Maybe he will find a hornier girl, or one willing to let him have more girls. And maybe you'll find another partner who wants less sex and will make you happier.
But if you want to stay together and avoid the hassle of looking for other people (which, who knows? may also not work -- he may not find a girl who is hornier than you, or lets him have more girls; and you may not find a guy whose libido more closely matches yours)... then you have to compromise. Negotiate, yield here, take a stand there, re-evaluate your position, show him where he's wrong, accept a deal on this, etc.
Isn't life like this? Whenever you feel unhappy, look around and see what the cause is; then think about what you can do: get rid of the cause? change the cause? negotiate with the cause? change yourself? change both? Whatever the choice, after you've executed it: are you happier, or less happy? If happier, good; if less happy, or at the same level as before, repeat the above.
More...
If your boyfriend is really horribly unhappy with what (in his opinion) is too little sex -- if his desire for more is stronger than all he gets from your relationship -- he's certainly entitled to try to find a partner that will give him that (or give him an open relationship). If you are really horribly unhappy with having to satisfy what (in your opinion) are his constant demands for sex, you're certainly entitled to try to find a partner that will give you waht you want -- sex a little less often.
And, who knows? Maybe he will find a hornier girl, or one willing to let him have more girls. And maybe you'll find another partner who wants less sex and will make you happier.
But if you want to stay together and avoid the hassle of looking for other people (which, who knows? may also not work -- he may not find a girl who is hornier than you, or lets him have more girls; and you may not find a guy whose libido more closely matches yours)... then you have to compromise. Negotiate, yield here, take a stand there, re-evaluate your position, show him where he's wrong, accept a deal on this, etc.
Isn't life like this? Whenever you feel unhappy, look around and see what the cause is; then think about what you can do: get rid of the cause? change the cause? negotiate with the cause? change yourself? change both? Whatever the choice, after you've executed it: are you happier, or less happy? If happier, good; if less happy, or at the same level as before, repeat the above.
27
Mr Denver - Well, this is more or less why I have wanted to address Dump Culture, which does seem to have gotten out of hand. Did you see the article from about a month or two ago by a woman who dated the Magic the Gathering world champion a couple of times and then tried to apply a public geekshaming by name in the article?
28
As for the letter, I am thinking that the boyfriend ought to be loaned out, perhaps to a married woman whose husband either is past his sell-by date or enjoys this sort of one-sided interaction. There was that Mrs Robinson letter from not too long ago here, and I'm sure there might be quite a few other takers. It might be interesting to see if he could be sufficiently booked to the point of exhausting his appetite.
29
It sure is a cruel world. I'm a 42 year old woman and feeling the injustice associated with the guys reminiscing about how horny they USED TO BE. I think that I am at least 1000 times hornier than I was at 24. I guess it is payback both ways.
30
The guy's an inconsiderate shit if he's whining that his college-student girlfriend isn't willing to drop everything four times a day just to fuck to keep him happy. Does she have classes to study for? Does she have classes to attend? Do they live in an apartment that has to be kept clean (I hope she's not doing all of that by herself)? Boy's got such a self-centered attitude now, I'd be seeing it as a danger sign for the future. She finally makes it out of school, lands a job that pays a dime over minimum wage, and he's spread out on the couch with a beer and the remote, demanding sex during the commercials. MBIIH, please -- DTMFA.
32
@29 I'm a guy and I'm hornier now then I was at 24, but I'm a homo so maybe the rules are different.
33
@29: I'm male and roughly the same age as you, and my libido seems to have returned to near-teenage levels as well. Seriously, I can barely drive anymore because I'm constantly distracted by the hotties.
The main differences between then and now are that now I have much more control over when I come, I'm turned on by a broader range of women, and I can afford to hire prostitutes to supplement the not-quite-once-a-week I get at home.
The main differences between then and now are that now I have much more control over when I come, I'm turned on by a broader range of women, and I can afford to hire prostitutes to supplement the not-quite-once-a-week I get at home.
34
Instead of spending ANY money on buying a dildo, MBIIH should just buy a large parsnip and carve it into the approximate size and shape. Stick a condom over it and ... instant dildo. Then she can give her unappreciative bf an anatomy lesson he'll never forget. Several times over if he's slow to get the message.
The bf has NO clue. Even though a vagina is amazingly rugged, there's those pesky problems that can crop up with Too. Much. Vigorous. PIV (apparently his "gold standard"), such as "Honeymoon cystitis", being rubbed raw inside when natural lubrication dries up, UTIs, a sensitive cervix that may resent getting pounded over and over again at various times of a woman's cycle. If she comes down with a few infections, bf won't be getting PIV four times a week. It'll be ZERO times a week until her symptoms clear up.
Though, Dan, even if bf were still willing, minute for minute, to be fucked, perhaps he should be introduced to edging and turn those four necessary daily orgasms into one or two sensational ones. On. His. Own.
I'm usually very slow to label sexual activity an addiction, but her words are leading me in that direction:
But he's constantly horny, constantly whining and constantly cranky. Uh ... where's the GGG-ness on his part to be an understanding lover? Right now, he's acting supremely entitled to her body. It's not just their libidoes that are mismatched, even if hers is high. He seems to be lacking appreciation and respect for her. If he wants and needs a ready hole, there are toys out there. MBIIH is NOT a toy, bf. She's a real live person. Treat her with the inherent dignity which everybody you value deserves.
More...
The bf has NO clue. Even though a vagina is amazingly rugged, there's those pesky problems that can crop up with Too. Much. Vigorous. PIV (apparently his "gold standard"), such as "Honeymoon cystitis", being rubbed raw inside when natural lubrication dries up, UTIs, a sensitive cervix that may resent getting pounded over and over again at various times of a woman's cycle. If she comes down with a few infections, bf won't be getting PIV four times a week. It'll be ZERO times a week until her symptoms clear up.
Though, Dan, even if bf were still willing, minute for minute, to be fucked, perhaps he should be introduced to edging and turn those four necessary daily orgasms into one or two sensational ones. On. His. Own.
I'm usually very slow to label sexual activity an addiction, but her words are leading me in that direction:
"Whenever we sit down together, he's immediately horny. He can't get things done...."It sounds as if sex has become the entire focus of their living together ... and of his personal can't-or-won't-do-without-it-routine, whether or not it interferes with other aspects of their individual lives. As MBIIH is still in college, how can she possibly study or finish assignments if he's after her for sex every day (and gets it 4 out of 7)? It sounds as if he has a lot of time on his hands or else he really IS neglecting his other obligations. Does he not have a job that might drain at least some of his energy and focus away from sex?
But he's constantly horny, constantly whining and constantly cranky. Uh ... where's the GGG-ness on his part to be an understanding lover? Right now, he's acting supremely entitled to her body. It's not just their libidoes that are mismatched, even if hers is high. He seems to be lacking appreciation and respect for her. If he wants and needs a ready hole, there are toys out there. MBIIH is NOT a toy, bf. She's a real live person. Treat her with the inherent dignity which everybody you value deserves.
37
I'm gay, and my BF and I DID in fact have sex regularly several times a day when we were in our mid-20s... but not penetrative sex. I'm with Dan in this regard. I count hand jobs, blow jobs, mutual masturbation, pretty much any way to get off, as sex. Sex is not penetration-only.
So I think it is normal for a lot of young guys to be that horny most of the time. But it isn't normal or reasonable to expect full on penetrative sex that often. Balance, dude. Balance.
So I think it is normal for a lot of young guys to be that horny most of the time. But it isn't normal or reasonable to expect full on penetrative sex that often. Balance, dude. Balance.
39
I dunno, I think most of you are reading it wrong. The guy WISHES (and tells his girlfriend exactly that) he could have it four times per day, but is instead getting four PIV sex sessions per week and handjobs/blowjobs the other three days.
That seems par for the course for 23 year olds. Didn't everyone go through the once or twice a day phase in their twenties?
That seems par for the course for 23 year olds. Didn't everyone go through the once or twice a day phase in their twenties?
40
@38: You can learn everything you want to know about Seattle's prostitutes and the men who love them at thereviewboard.net or tnaboard.com.
And for the record, the prostitute comment was a joke. I've never hired a sex worker for anything more than a lap dance.
And for the record, the prostitute comment was a joke. I've never hired a sex worker for anything more than a lap dance.
41
Good advice, I think. As my artist friend once said, "I don't know. I just think that all straight guys should be fucked, just once. you know?"
42
Damn, this guy is a jerk. Vaginal sex four times a week plus a beej here and there? We should all be so lucky!
43
4 times a day is an unreasonable amount of orgasms, folks?! Sheesh. Guess SLLOTD sloggers are more under-sexed than I ever imagined.
I was a 5x7 man for 20+ YEARS, and yet managed to be a father, hold down a job and be a mate, first to my wife and then my partners. Doesn't take long to wank one out if the need is there- about as long as smoking a cigarette, for perspective.
BUT- there's no point whining to your GF, BF or dog for more than 4-6 PIV sessions per week, buddy boy. LW- Take Dan's advice, for your BF's sake and all the other partners he has in the future.
I was a 5x7 man for 20+ YEARS, and yet managed to be a father, hold down a job and be a mate, first to my wife and then my partners. Doesn't take long to wank one out if the need is there- about as long as smoking a cigarette, for perspective.
BUT- there's no point whining to your GF, BF or dog for more than 4-6 PIV sessions per week, buddy boy. LW- Take Dan's advice, for your BF's sake and all the other partners he has in the future.
44
Usually I agree with Dan. Here however I was surprised to hear he thinks vaginal sex is hard work. Yes, it sounds like the LW is GGG and the BF is selfish. But PIV sex and anal sex aren't equivalent. I am a woman, and they are both enjoyable, but not equivalent. In my 20s I often said of PIV sex: "Once a day is good, twice a day is better." Now I just don't have the time, as others have pointed out. But I could never keep up with twice daily anal sex. They're just not equivalent.
These two kids have very different expectations, and she's found sex a chore. But "pounding a hole" seems so negative, Dan. It's easier and way more fun for me than giving head or hand jobs. So it's their differing expectations and how they deal with it, NOT the pounding of the hole.
These two kids have very different expectations, and she's found sex a chore. But "pounding a hole" seems so negative, Dan. It's easier and way more fun for me than giving head or hand jobs. So it's their differing expectations and how they deal with it, NOT the pounding of the hole.
45
"Don't have the time" in previous post meant now I am down to 3-4/7. So sad. I just don't have time for more than 7/7 anymore.
46
I got a laugh at Dan's suggestion for comeuppance pegging. But then I was stopped by a terrible thought-- what if the BF discovered it to be his New Favorite Thing and wanted it *five* times a day?
48
@36
::shrieks::
Um ... I happen to like parsnips (though not raw and the butter would definitely be for the cooked version). Also, who says he deserves a really smooth ride? Besides, lubed condom is ... lubed.
::shrieks::
Um ... I happen to like parsnips (though not raw and the butter would definitely be for the cooked version). Also, who says he deserves a really smooth ride? Besides, lubed condom is ... lubed.
49
I am a 27yr old female and would LOVE to find a guy with this kind of sex drive. I also second the comment saying PiV and anal are not comparable. I can have PiV multiple times a day but anal only twice a week. I have yet to find a man who can come close to my libido and it sucks. I don't think they should stay together because he is becoming resentful and she thinks something is wrong with her.
50
Is he's willing to lick your pussy at the drop of a hat more than 4 times a day? I seriously want to know.
51
24 and in a straight relationship and on date nights we will have sex at least 3 times then 1 or 2 times the next morning.. when we spend the whole weekend together i am drained by the end of it
maybe i am just lucky to be matched up with a girl with a similar libido
maybe i am just lucky to be matched up with a girl with a similar libido
53
MBIH, I COMPLETELY sympathize with you. I could have written this letter myself, at that age. I dated an essentially physically insatiable man from age 20 to age 23. @6 and @8 - you're so wrong. My ex could come - with ejaculation, though of diminishing quantity - up to 12 times a day. He orgasmed in pairs, also: the second would follow usually five to ten minutes after the first, and he considered himself unsatisfied with just the one. He also became whiny, petulant, and crabby with me if I ever said no. I gave so many blowjobs my inner lips were constantly lacerated from hiding my teeth. I don't think, in three years, we ever watched an ENTIRE movie with the guy - fifteen minutes of laying on the couch and he'd want to fuck. The upshot of this was, after two years of being so GGG it hurt (for real), my libido dried up entirely. He became -instead of a partner and a lover - a sexual user, a horrible, horny, harrying force constantly prodding me in the back with his hard penis. His petulance and selfishness did this as much as the constant desire for sex... if he'd been more considerate, more understanding, or less bitchy about the refusals, it wouldn't have gone that way. It didn't take long after that for me to realize I was irretrievably out of love with him... that I never ever wanted his penis anywhere near me ever again. Beware, my friend. Thus is the inevitable consequence of his behavior. And your current bf runs a very real risk of driving you away... forever... and he very likely may spend a decade trying - and failing - to find a girl half as willing as you are. This was the fate of my Ex. He never has found anyone as "up for it" as I was, and I never again let his penis in, on, or around my body.
54
Several commenters have suggested opening the relationship. For the record, I'm in a polyamorous relationship, and have been a poly-positive person since my teens.
Based on this letter, if I was the LW I'm not sure I would trust this guy to be safe with outside partners, even if he knew it was important, for my sake and his own, to be careful. He seems too impulsive and desperate. I suspect if he was in an open relationship and sex was on offer, he'd take it at any price.
Also, would he be honest with his partner about any risks he took, knowing that it would mean no sex with her till he was definitely clear? I wouldn't trust this situation, myself.
Being in a poly relationship of any kind requires being *more* responsible and *less* impulsive rather than the reverse.
Based on this letter, if I was the LW I'm not sure I would trust this guy to be safe with outside partners, even if he knew it was important, for my sake and his own, to be careful. He seems too impulsive and desperate. I suspect if he was in an open relationship and sex was on offer, he'd take it at any price.
Also, would he be honest with his partner about any risks he took, knowing that it would mean no sex with her till he was definitely clear? I wouldn't trust this situation, myself.
Being in a poly relationship of any kind requires being *more* responsible and *less* impulsive rather than the reverse.
55
What about saying "no?" Forget the games and arguments. She doesn't want more than a certain amount. If he can't respect her and live in a balanced relationship then they should move on to new partners. They are too young to get hung up on a relationship and 23 is much too old for whining.
56
@54, I agree with you. He just seems very self-centered and demanding. I'm in the DTMFA camp. He's pestering her like a child. Anyone with an ounce of maturity would have realized that he's got it pretty good and taken the responsibility of dealing with his overflow horniness on his own. He seems like a one-trick pony - I mean what else is going on his life besides sex/work/school? I'm a high-libido straight woman who would regularly exhaust my similarly high-libido boyfriend in my mid-20s. But we only had PIV sex a few times a week because we had LIVES. We were going out visiting family and friends, going to movies, having dates. We could sit snuggled up next to each other for hours reading a book or watching a video and we wouldn't make a move on each other. There's something very claustrophobic about this letter to me.
57
lol at all the libido bragging in this thread. Ok, I'll play.
No offense, ladies, but if you want PiV more than once a day, your guy isn't doing it right. If my experience with women is typical, you should average 5-8 orgasms before he shoots, in the course of a single 60-120 minute session, which will include some powerful, animalistic hammering. You should be a bit shaky on your legs and sore in all the good places for a day or two, not ready to go again in a few hours.
And dude, if you're wanking one out in less time than it takes to have a cigarette, you're not doing it right either.
On a more relevant note, this guy's libido isn't the problem - the problem is his attitude. Being GGG is the duty of both partners. He is failing at that right now, with a selfishness that wouldn't bode well for the long term future of any relationship, but for the fact that he is young and learning. She probably should show him this column.
No offense, ladies, but if you want PiV more than once a day, your guy isn't doing it right. If my experience with women is typical, you should average 5-8 orgasms before he shoots, in the course of a single 60-120 minute session, which will include some powerful, animalistic hammering. You should be a bit shaky on your legs and sore in all the good places for a day or two, not ready to go again in a few hours.
And dude, if you're wanking one out in less time than it takes to have a cigarette, you're not doing it right either.
On a more relevant note, this guy's libido isn't the problem - the problem is his attitude. Being GGG is the duty of both partners. He is failing at that right now, with a selfishness that wouldn't bode well for the long term future of any relationship, but for the fact that he is young and learning. She probably should show him this column.
59
God. There is nothing more pathetic than a man who whines and manipulates and guilt-trips for sex. A colossal turnoff. If he'd leave her alone for a few minutes so she can perhaps find respite from the deeply-ingrained female training to please the people around her and locate her OWN thoughts about it, she might discover that she actually hates him.
60
At 23, don't you have school and/or a job that would prevent you from getting off four times a day? Unless you masturbate in bathrooms.
I'm all for high sex drives, but it seems like this dude is all about the sex, in an annoying, boring way. How is there time for enjoying her and their relationship when all he wants to do is fuck?
And where is she getting off in all of this? Minimally, I bet.
I'm all for high sex drives, but it seems like this dude is all about the sex, in an annoying, boring way. How is there time for enjoying her and their relationship when all he wants to do is fuck?
And where is she getting off in all of this? Minimally, I bet.
61
@49 Penelope,
My last college girlfriend was like you, I was up for 2 a day PIV, she was up for more. Alas, I graduated and she didn't (2 years to go), and I didn't like the long distance thing, for me but especially for her. (Sometimes twenty somethings can be generous; college is about freedom. She ended up with a horse-hung-hottie (and would call to tease me; I am average. If she were a male, she'd be hung like a horse as well, so there was a case of physical incompatibility between us in addition to distance). I ended up with a crash and burn dumping that prepared me for real life.)
MBIH,
It is time to set out what you want and need. If he isn't able to understand taking care of business, then you need to put yourself first. Don't let him screw up your "mission", and don't let him guilt you for having other priorities. Part of growing up means being told no, and living with it. Besides, sex is best when both (all?) parties are up for it. Good luck.
Peace.
My last college girlfriend was like you, I was up for 2 a day PIV, she was up for more. Alas, I graduated and she didn't (2 years to go), and I didn't like the long distance thing, for me but especially for her. (Sometimes twenty somethings can be generous; college is about freedom. She ended up with a horse-hung-hottie (and would call to tease me; I am average. If she were a male, she'd be hung like a horse as well, so there was a case of physical incompatibility between us in addition to distance). I ended up with a crash and burn dumping that prepared me for real life.)
MBIH,
It is time to set out what you want and need. If he isn't able to understand taking care of business, then you need to put yourself first. Don't let him screw up your "mission", and don't let him guilt you for having other priorities. Part of growing up means being told no, and living with it. Besides, sex is best when both (all?) parties are up for it. Good luck.
Peace.
62
Some weird assumptions on Dan's part here, mostly that soreness on the girlfriend's part would be the main bottleneck for someone who wanted four PIV sessions a day. In my experience the penis is a lot more delicate, tender, and prone to getting tore up than the sturdy ol' vag. Babies come through there, you know, and they're frickin' huge.
63
For the record,
If your own sperm serves as a lubricant in PIV sex, you have a high sex drive.
@50,
While I am the type that loves eating pussy at the drop of a kerchief, I suspect most women would be feeling pretty raw getting oral sex more than 2-3 times in a day. I have done it more a couple of times when we were on vacation, but then we weren't doing much walking. (Sigh, how I love my wife.)
Peace.
If your own sperm serves as a lubricant in PIV sex, you have a high sex drive.
@50,
While I am the type that loves eating pussy at the drop of a kerchief, I suspect most women would be feeling pretty raw getting oral sex more than 2-3 times in a day. I have done it more a couple of times when we were on vacation, but then we weren't doing much walking. (Sigh, how I love my wife.)
Peace.
66
@57...for me, orgasm #2 is the strongest, and they're typically not worth it after that. Therefore, I have actually trained my man to take it down a peg. He was going for the marathon at first, but for me, the 10K is better. Given that, I'm sometimes up for 2 a day. See, we're all different!
@63, I make my normally bearded man shave before vacation. ;)
@63, I make my normally bearded man shave before vacation. ;)
67
My husband was like this at age 16 (according to his high school girlfriend), and at age 30 when he and I first started sleeping together. My husband is 45. He still has this kind of libido. Four times a day? Yep, if he can get it. I can so totally relate to the girlfriend. I have learned to give good-quick head, and make myself available when cooking dinner, getting ready for work, taking a shower, changing into pajamas, flossing my teeth. Whatever.
Some guys are just like this I guess. I consider myself lucky because 9 times out of 10, Hubby does his best to get me off too - and over the years he's learned how to do that well and quickly. So we turned what could have been a tricky, exhausting situation into a win-win.
Here's how I was able to cope and save my "hole" as Dan so eloquently puts it: It was my idea to become polyamorous. We now have another woman in the house and I now get a good night's sleep every other night. This is our "mature marriage" win-win. If the couple in the letter have the ability to share, its a solution that works for me. (And I get help making dinner!)
Some guys are just like this I guess. I consider myself lucky because 9 times out of 10, Hubby does his best to get me off too - and over the years he's learned how to do that well and quickly. So we turned what could have been a tricky, exhausting situation into a win-win.
Here's how I was able to cope and save my "hole" as Dan so eloquently puts it: It was my idea to become polyamorous. We now have another woman in the house and I now get a good night's sleep every other night. This is our "mature marriage" win-win. If the couple in the letter have the ability to share, its a solution that works for me. (And I get help making dinner!)
68
the guy in question is a whiner and should count his blessings but it's weird to think 4 times in a day is wasting a ton of time
morning sex
post work sex
sex before bed
is 3 already. if you are spending the day inside you can easily squeeze in a 4th in between laundry. it all depends on your drive though and no two people are alike
morning sex
post work sex
sex before bed
is 3 already. if you are spending the day inside you can easily squeeze in a 4th in between laundry. it all depends on your drive though and no two people are alike
69
if you see the person on a daily basis less would make sense since the wait would make it more fulfilling. if you are in your 20s and see them 3 times a week it's hard to keep your hands off them
70
@54: Thanks for making this distinction. "Go Poly!" as a default substitute for communication, maturity, and working out imbalances just makes me cringe.
@68: "the guy in question is a whiner and should count his blessings but it's weird to think 4 times in a day is wasting a ton of time"
Between the ramp-up, foreplay, PIV, post-sex cuddling and chatting and cleanup, 4 times could easily take up the majority of a night, and over the weeks and months, amounts to a lot not getting done. Fun is fun, but it sounds like he's really not doing what he needs to do to better himself in between bouts of lovemaking.
@68: "the guy in question is a whiner and should count his blessings but it's weird to think 4 times in a day is wasting a ton of time"
Between the ramp-up, foreplay, PIV, post-sex cuddling and chatting and cleanup, 4 times could easily take up the majority of a night, and over the weeks and months, amounts to a lot not getting done. Fun is fun, but it sounds like he's really not doing what he needs to do to better himself in between bouts of lovemaking.
71
this guy is a stud bull. needs to find a woman that can satisfy him. yes, they are out there, or he just needs a harem. get him some cougars, man he should be bulling women at least in their 30s and 40s.
72
Jesus, how does this guy even function when NOT dating someone/someone so GGG? Tell him to back the fuck off on the whining, MBIIH, and appreciate how good hew has it. If his alternative is no girlfriend and the associated no (partnered) sex per day, maybe he'll wise up. The whining is a function of male sexual privilege: you're being more than fair, yet he still thinks he's entitled to sex completely on his terms.
74
MBIIH, Just a thought:
How about a reward system? Pick up the clutter, BJ. Do the laundry, PIV. Make dinner, PIV. Leaving you the fuck alone when you have to study, priceless.
Peace.
How about a reward system? Pick up the clutter, BJ. Do the laundry, PIV. Make dinner, PIV. Leaving you the fuck alone when you have to study, priceless.
Peace.
75
I get being totally hot for your girlfriend all the time, but if you can't ever just hang out with her then where's the "friend" part? This girl needs to stop being a sex towel.
76
Just would like to point out; 4 times a day, every day, in a LTR is on the high side, but 4 times a day, on weekends, seems totally normal to me for someone in their early 20s. Someone said something about an ex coming 12 times a day -- I dated someone like that too (short relationship while I was living abroad for a few months in my early 20s), and we had lots of fun. I'm sure there are plenty of others who have done the same at that age. And now in my mid 30s, I bet I still could do that, if it were the right time of the month... maybe I should ask my partner to schedule a sex day... :)
Anyway, my point is that, although the bf does seem whiny and annoying, I don't think wanting sex four times a day -- especially in your 20s -- is that strange.
Anyway, my point is that, although the bf does seem whiny and annoying, I don't think wanting sex four times a day -- especially in your 20s -- is that strange.
77
There's no excuse for whining and haranguing a woman for sex. It's dehumanizing. I agree with @59 - when they break up in a few months, she'll realize how much she hates him.
78
Unless the guy is a jackrabbit whose idea of foreplay is to yell, "Brace yourself!" then sex 4 times a day would take anywhere from 2 to 4 (or more) hours per day. Who the hell has 2 extra hours in the day? I sure as hell don't. I barely have time to grab a bite to eat and a 15-minute hot tub when I get home from work and rehearsal.
79
@76: "4 times a day, on weekends, seems totally normal to me for someone in their early 20s"
It is, but his sense of entitlement and nasty cajoling, essentially blaming her for his "blue balls" is what makes him a doucher, not his high libido.
It is, but his sense of entitlement and nasty cajoling, essentially blaming her for his "blue balls" is what makes him a doucher, not his high libido.
80
@74 - I advise against the reward system for sex. That leads to the woman feeling as if she's pimping herself out, and the man feeling as if she doesn't actually want his body. Unless you're rewarding one sex act with another, of course.
81
@80 Erica,
Sorry, bad joke. At the same time, I wish I could come up with a way to help MBIIH's boyfriend understand how unfair his demands are.
Peace.
Sorry, bad joke. At the same time, I wish I could come up with a way to help MBIIH's boyfriend understand how unfair his demands are.
Peace.
82
@54: as has been mentioned before, it's all different, for everyone. Not everyone's very-satisfying-sex takes so long. I would die of boredom if it took my husband an hour to finish. Cuz I'd be so happily finished way way before that. Which is I guess why some of us women in this thread aren't so put off by 2-4 times per day. It's not that time-consuming for everyone. But I am not looking for four times per day! I'm just not overwhelmed by the implied amount of time.
83
@57 . . . I don't really understand your point. Of course it's doable to have 5 to 8 orgasms each session (I certainly hope it would be more during the 120-minute session, for cryin out loud!), but why would that mean no more for the day? My boyfriend and my personal best was 9 orgasms for him in one day, which probably meant, I dunno, 50 or so for me? (We counted a day as 24 hours, by the way, so there was definitely some resting in there. We're not crazy or anything.) I mean, i'm with you most of the way, but not entirely sure why shaking legs, soreness, dizziness, or inability to stand would make someone want to stop. Perhaps you're doing it wrong?
And for those who note he'd be shooting blanks by time 4 . . . that's what I've found. generally orgasm 3 or 4 is where the bloke runs out of actual ejaculate, but that doesn't mean no orgasms. In fact, weirdly, sometimes it seems like the "dry" ones are more powerful--almost like the body is trying so hard to produce something that it's more intense. But that's based on a very small sample size, so just a random speculation.
And for those who note he'd be shooting blanks by time 4 . . . that's what I've found. generally orgasm 3 or 4 is where the bloke runs out of actual ejaculate, but that doesn't mean no orgasms. In fact, weirdly, sometimes it seems like the "dry" ones are more powerful--almost like the body is trying so hard to produce something that it's more intense. But that's based on a very small sample size, so just a random speculation.
85
while studying abroad in my 20's i had a boyfriend (i'm a woman) who i got it with about 4 times a day plus oral to completion and whatever else we could think of. and yet he still pestered me for anal which i'd not even really heard of and didn't want to try. i tried but he was going about it all wrong. i actually did tell him that if i could fuck his ass with a dildo we could add in anal also. he took that as one of my feminist witticisms.
great sex need not take that long. i still had a great social life and was a full-time student. he was dicking around blowing an inheritance. i will tell you this. we weren't probably the greatest hosts. we'd sometimes end up wandering off and fucking while people were at the crib. we also fucked a lot in public and in cars and in hallways and bathrooms. but this was in a country where PDA is the rule not the exception. the one time i refused oral that brought on a huge fight.i just didn't want a load in my mouth right then. anyway it took me ten years to find another man like him and then another two years to find a man with that libido who was worth a shit in other ways. and i married him.
great sex need not take that long. i still had a great social life and was a full-time student. he was dicking around blowing an inheritance. i will tell you this. we weren't probably the greatest hosts. we'd sometimes end up wandering off and fucking while people were at the crib. we also fucked a lot in public and in cars and in hallways and bathrooms. but this was in a country where PDA is the rule not the exception. the one time i refused oral that brought on a huge fight.i just didn't want a load in my mouth right then. anyway it took me ten years to find another man like him and then another two years to find a man with that libido who was worth a shit in other ways. and i married him.
86
more than 4 times a week isn't an unreasonable expectation for a 20-year old girl. If she's not able to throw down once a day, something else is going on. 4 times a week for a couple that age has got to be the bottom 10% of secular american [white?} couples.
87
Fetish, that's four times a week of PiV. She also blows him, jerks him, and gets naked for him to jerk off--multiple times a day. He's being a little bit of a spoiled baby.
88
@86: "isn't an unreasonable expectation for a 20-year old girl. If she's not able to throw down once a day"
privilege.txt
privilege.txt
89
Oh man, @53, I am so sorry. Your story made my reproductive tract attempt to run screaming from my body and then stop short like a dog on a leash. I hope you're doing much better than that guy these days.
Agree with @56, this letter is sooooooo claustrophobic. It's making me feel like I'm living in a tiny person-shaped bubble surrounded by dicks.
Agree with @56, this letter is sooooooo claustrophobic. It's making me feel like I'm living in a tiny person-shaped bubble surrounded by dicks.
90
I think when it comes to gay guys 4x a day isn't that out of the ordinary, especially when you're in a new relationship.
I was like that in my twenties and now in my 40's i still enjoy a 4xday day when i'm seeing a guy regularly.
I was like that in my twenties and now in my 40's i still enjoy a 4xday day when i'm seeing a guy regularly.
91
@PocketMouse
As I was reading your comment I found myself wondering if I'd already commented int his thread without remembering it; my story is identical to yours, except my 3 years with a demanding, insatiable man with no respect for my own boundaries/needs/comfort was from ages 19-22. HIs libido was not the problem, his sense that I should feel obligated to "help him out" at the drop of a hat if happened to get an erection in my presence was.
As I was reading your comment I found myself wondering if I'd already commented int his thread without remembering it; my story is identical to yours, except my 3 years with a demanding, insatiable man with no respect for my own boundaries/needs/comfort was from ages 19-22. HIs libido was not the problem, his sense that I should feel obligated to "help him out" at the drop of a hat if happened to get an erection in my presence was.
92
The GF says "he can't get things done", so maybe there is some associated anxiety with the guy, leading him to practice this avoidance behaviour of chasing an orgasm, instead of getting on with what needs to be done in his life. Sex and orgasms release all kinds of neural soup stuff in the body that makes one feel good and relaxed. I kinda had the same prob when I was his age (minus the obliging GF), and jerked off instead of doing shit I should have.
The guy's gotta practice being still, meditation would be the best, but 90% chance he wouldn't be motivated enough - also helpful would be more sports, more exercise, more focusing on what he should do with this life....
The guy's gotta practice being still, meditation would be the best, but 90% chance he wouldn't be motivated enough - also helpful would be more sports, more exercise, more focusing on what he should do with this life....
93
@91 - exactly. EXACtly. And @89... haha, thanks for your commiseration. And yes, i'm doing far, far better. In fact, my current fellow's response to this post was "jesus, just because I get a hard on in your presence doesn't mean it's necessarily YOUR problem" :) They make 'em better at 32 than they do at 22, that's for damn sure.
94
Does this character have any interests or goals beyond sex? If the answer is no, then this girl doesnt need to ask help to keep him happy-she needs to ask how to get rid of him.
Advertisement
Most Commented on Slog
-
It's Spring! Who's Ready for Street Harassment? by Cienna Madrid
-
New Gun Enthusiast... by Dan Savage
-
SL Letter of the Day: Gonna Boil My Laptop After Answering This One by Dan Savage
-
America Doesn't Care About Black People by Charles Mudede
-
Bigot Florist Files Countersuit by Dominic Holden
-
Slog Super Poll: Who Should Be Mayor? by Dominic Holden
-
Tim Burgess Quits the Mayor's Race by Dominic Holden
-
Meanwhile in Toronto by Dan Savage
-
In Which I Do Not Declare My Candidacy for Seattle City Council by Goldy
-
Slog Overnight by Dan Savage
Stranger Personals
The Stranger
RSSSeattle Art & Performance Quarterly
A complete guide to Seattle's current art, film, dance, and theater season.
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (95) RSS