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News & ArtsFriday, November 25, 2011
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Listen To His Words
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Nov 25, 2011 at 3:20 PM
I'm a 21 year-old straight girl who is eight months into her first long-term, sexual relationship. My boyfriend is 28; we laugh frequently and have sex at least five times a week. In two months, I'm going abroad for at least six months, maybe a year. We've started discussing the practicalities of such a move. We agree that we'd like to stay together, and he's already purchased a ticket to come see me. I am really into this guy and would like to explore a future.
1. There was an incident three months into our relationship where he lied about being safe. This was JUST before we had unprotected sex for the first time. We almost broke up over it and he admitted he has some impulse control issues when sex is involved. When I asked him how he's going to deal with being monogamous while I'm gone, he said something to the tune of, "I'd tell you if I got drunk at a bar and took a girl home, but if I just made out with someone, I probably wouldn't tell you." This profoundly disturbs me, but what can I do? I can't MAKE him be honest, especially if he thinks I'm going to be upset about what I hear.
2. My boyfriend has mentioned that not getting laid—with a real live girl—regularly (read: at least once a month) affects him physically and mentally. I strive to be a GGG but I don't feel secure enough to open our relationship up, nor do I want to. We both agree that we don't want to date other people while I'm gone, and that having sex with other people is not OK. I want to make the separation as sexually satisfying for both of us as possible, but he doesn't like Skype or calling. What can I do?
Thanks for your time, seriously.
No Orgasms Overseas Babe
My response after the jump...
··················
Let's recap: he's your very first boyfriend... he "lied about being safe" just before he began having unprotected sex with you... and he's telling you that 1. he can't go without sex for longer than a month and 2. he probably won't be completely honest with you about what he gets up to during the six-months-to-a-year that you're away. Oh, and he's really not the keep-in-touch type—doesn't like to Skype, doesn't like to talk on the phone—so you're not going to be able to tide him over with regular tech-enhanced masturbation sessions.
END THIS RELATIONSHIP.
This guy is telling you that he's going to cheat on you while you're gone and he's going to lie to you about it. When the truth comes out after you get back—assuming he's still single when you get back—you're going to remember all the hot boys you could've made out with during your year abroad, NOOB, and you'll spend the next year kicking yourself.
There's no need to break up with him right now. Go ahead and enjoy him, this relationship, and the sex for the next two months. But when it's time to go, NOOB, end things cleanly. Then go and enjoy your year abroad without feeling encumbered and without having to worry about what he's up to.
And if you're both still single when you get home, NOOB, you can pick up where you left off.
2
History of lying, selfish views toward sex, questionable commitment to this relationship, AND he's TWENTY-EIGHT? Ditch him when you're done with the two months, honey. This one is not likely to reform if he's this way at this point in his life. (And 8-10 months is a great run for a 21-year-old, so don't have any regrets.)
3
Trust me, LW, you don't want to ruin your time abroad by hanging on to something at home. This is your first relationship. Even if you and your BF are the best possible people on the planet for each other and you'll pick right up where you left off when you get back, your relationship will benefit from a break. You won't have regrets about what could have been in foreign if you hadn't been attached, he won't get twitchy for lack of sex and end up doing something he thinks he has to lie to you about, and that's just for starters. It may be a hard thing to see from where you stand right now, but you'll be so glad if you make a clean break before you leave the country.
4
You know, dumping your first boyfriend is a hell of a lot harder than dumping subsequent boyfriends you recognize as ne'er-do-wells. It can take a lot of wherewithal, but it's so much better than sticking with a guy who doesn't respect you. And a guy who will lie doesn't respect you.
5
No you can't make him be honest but you Can make your way out the door.
Rule of thumb if you don't feel secure in a relationship or are profoundly (really, profoundly?) disturbed, it's not the relationship for you.
Obviously
Rule of thumb if you don't feel secure in a relationship or are profoundly (really, profoundly?) disturbed, it's not the relationship for you.
Obviously
6
What all the others said, plus Get Yourself Tested. If he's already lied to you about his actions and if he's warned you he may not be honest in the future, No More Unprotected Sex with this sak-o-shit.
7
Wait. She asked him for honesty and he was honest. He said he probably wouldn't tell her.
She got what she asked for, right? He was honest and she's freaking out about it?
So, if he lays it out for her, and she's not into an open relationship, what's the belly ache? Move on. But don't *ever* call the guy dishonest. Seems to me he learned his lesson the first time, when he lied. This time he tells the truth and now the LW 1) doesn't want to let go and move on 2) wants him to bend to her view of things. 3) won't take truth for an answer.
He has control issues, dear. He just said it to your face. Maybe you should look for a BF who doesn't have those issues.
She got what she asked for, right? He was honest and she's freaking out about it?
So, if he lays it out for her, and she's not into an open relationship, what's the belly ache? Move on. But don't *ever* call the guy dishonest. Seems to me he learned his lesson the first time, when he lied. This time he tells the truth and now the LW 1) doesn't want to let go and move on 2) wants him to bend to her view of things. 3) won't take truth for an answer.
He has control issues, dear. He just said it to your face. Maybe you should look for a BF who doesn't have those issues.
8
what #4 said.
It's hard to end a first relationship, but he doesn't respect you. Enjoy your next two months, then end it.
Have fun abroad!
It's hard to end a first relationship, but he doesn't respect you. Enjoy your next two months, then end it.
Have fun abroad!
9
It's ridiculous to ask a 28 year old to endure a year of long distance bullshit when your relationship is only 8 months old. Skype sex for a year? Seriously?
There are three realistic and humane options here: 1) commit to the relationship and postpone your travels, 2) loosen your choke hold on him while you are gone and let him fuck around, or 3) end the relationship.
There are three realistic and humane options here: 1) commit to the relationship and postpone your travels, 2) loosen your choke hold on him while you are gone and let him fuck around, or 3) end the relationship.
10
Great advice! Great advice that she's about .003% likely to take, if I remember what being 21 is like.
11
When I asked him how he's going to deal with being monogamous while I'm gone, he said something to the tune of, "I'd tell you if I got drunk at a bar and took a girl home, but if I just made out with someone, I probably wouldn't tell you."
I suspect that "made out" includes things like getting a blowjob, anal sex and threesomes.
I suspect that "made out" includes things like getting a blowjob, anal sex and threesomes.
12
My BF and I had been going out for a week before we both moved to different towns on different sides of the country. The longest we had to go without sex was a year and three months. We're still together (and now regularly banging) five years later. If the relationship is real and the love and trust is there, then time without sex is endurable, even for two people with raging libidos. (Skype helps.) But it sounds like neither is the case here.
Girly, what your guy is doing is setting up all the reasons that he will cheat on you, and when you come back and find out that he has, he will say, 'but I told you I can't go without sex/I wasn't going to be completely honest/I didn't want to hurt you' which is all perfectly true. He knows where this is going, even if only subconsciously. So do you.
Break up. It doesn't have to be permanent, it doesn't have to be angry or messy. Don't blame him for it, he has been honest about who he is, so be honest about who you are: A person who clearly isn't comfortable with a relationship where she cannot be sure the other person isn't getting some on the side without telling her. (And, as an aside, someone who may not be safe when she gets back.) Say you feel like you both need different things right now, and maybe you'll need the same thing in the future, but until then...
The last thing you need on a six month trip is to be worrying and fretting about what your dude is doing behind your back. It will ruin the experience, trust me.
Girly, what your guy is doing is setting up all the reasons that he will cheat on you, and when you come back and find out that he has, he will say, 'but I told you I can't go without sex/I wasn't going to be completely honest/I didn't want to hurt you' which is all perfectly true. He knows where this is going, even if only subconsciously. So do you.
Break up. It doesn't have to be permanent, it doesn't have to be angry or messy. Don't blame him for it, he has been honest about who he is, so be honest about who you are: A person who clearly isn't comfortable with a relationship where she cannot be sure the other person isn't getting some on the side without telling her. (And, as an aside, someone who may not be safe when she gets back.) Say you feel like you both need different things right now, and maybe you'll need the same thing in the future, but until then...
The last thing you need on a six month trip is to be worrying and fretting about what your dude is doing behind your back. It will ruin the experience, trust me.
13
Also, he never even said that he wouldn't sleep with other people--just that he'd TELL her if he did! So, they "both agree" that SHE shouldn't be dating anyone while she's gone. He's gonna do whatever the fuck he wants, maybe tell her about it, definitely say he was drunk at the time and get mad at her for getting mad.
14
My very first thought was jeez, who is the 21 year old here. My second, DTMFA. Seriously. Over the lying about unsafe sex? The rest after that nearly doesn't matter.
I'd say Dan's advice is great. Try to follow it.
I'd say Dan's advice is great. Try to follow it.
15
I was 20 in 1968 when I set off to France on my "junior year abroad"--a grand time of adventure and enlightenment in Europe, SIGH. Also, birth control was a lot harder to come by at the time.
The last thing you need LW is to spend your 6-months-to-a-year abroad (and do make it a year if you can)tethered to an anxiety-producing relationship back home. Don't worry, there will be plenty of anxiety-producing relationships awaiting you when you return.
Life is a banquet...!
Love, Auntie Mame
The last thing you need LW is to spend your 6-months-to-a-year abroad (and do make it a year if you can)tethered to an anxiety-producing relationship back home. Don't worry, there will be plenty of anxiety-producing relationships awaiting you when you return.
Life is a banquet...!
Love, Auntie Mame
16
100% Yes to Dan's advice. End it cleanly, go to Europe, enjoy yourself in a wonderful place! Don't place any expectations on this dude, and don't put any confining committments on yourself. IF he actually goes through with the ticket to join you, nice, then enjoy your time with him with no expectations prior or for afterwards -- if you click, cool. If not, then there it is.
But most of all, be your confident self, by yourself. Safe travels!
But most of all, be your confident self, by yourself. Safe travels!
17
I'm with Dan. DTMFA! I spent a semester abroad in Spain (lots of sexy Euro-dudes on Erasmus for the taking), but instead spent a lot of time tethered to the computer having to keep my (as I later found out) philandering boyfriend back home secure in the relationship. I wish I would have split with him when I had the chance...it took me two years, an apt. buyout, and a police escort to finally get out of it.
18
# 10 pretty much nailed it, there is a great deal of avoidable heartbreak in this young woman's future.
19
I absolutely agree with Dan's advice. I am the partner of a deployed US Marine. It doesn't get much more long-distance than that. Being in a long distance relationship (especially one with little to no opportunity for sex) is extremely difficult. The thing that makes it work it is our complete honesty and trust, along with our great communication skills. Everything else is secondary. If you can't trust this guy, especially on the fundamental level of who he is or is not fucking, you WILL be miserable. DTMFA.
21
Dan is wrong on one thing..."you're going to remember all the hot boys you could've made out with during your year abroad, NOOB, and you'll spend the next year kicking yourself.
The next YEAR??!! She'll spend the next 60 years kicking herself.
The next YEAR??!! She'll spend the next 60 years kicking herself.
22
When I was 18, I was in a long-distance relationship with a man who was 27. It was my first relationship and it was incredibly hard to end it, but eventually I realised this enough to know that we needed to break up. I had been having doubts for a few months beforehand and I really should've ended it sooner. Pretty shortly thereafter I became very aware of just how necessary it was.
Basically, once you break up with him, you'll realise that it was a good decision. :)
Basically, once you break up with him, you'll realise that it was a good decision. :)
23
I have been there, but with a faithful man. And I still regret it. Do not miss this opportunity to be young and free. You will always regret it. Go have an adventure without anything tethering you.
24
Also, don't let him blackmail you with the fact that he's bought a ticket already. That's his decision. He can still visit you, and it will probably be fun, or he can get a refund minus some moola, and it'll be okay.
25
I was the one who stayed at home while my partner was abroad for 8 months. Let me tell you, LW, there is nothing more attractive to a woman than to find out that the guy in the bar is in a committed relationship, but alone.
I've never been hit on so much in my life than I was at that time. I think women A. feel sorry for the lonely guy and B. consider it a challenge to see if he'll cheat.
I've never been hit on so much in my life than I was at that time. I think women A. feel sorry for the lonely guy and B. consider it a challenge to see if he'll cheat.
26
Honey, you're going to be really, really pissed off (sad, upset, feeling stupid, etc) if you spend that 6 months pining for this guy instead of enjoying Europe to the fullest, only to return to find that he's moved on (which he's all but blatantly said he's going to do). That would really suck, wouldn't it? End it before you leave.
27
What Dan and (pretty much) everyone in the comments have said: Break it off before you leave. Even if he doesn't cheat, you'll really regret not having the freedom. And based on his past behavior and what he has explicitly told you, he will cheat.
This is like Pascal's wager. What have you got to lose by breaking it off? If he really wants to be with you and you really want to be with him, you've both got plenty of time to get back together when you get back. If you stay together, you'll hate how tied-down you feel to an incommunicado nonpresence who's given you solid reason to worry about his fidelity; and he'll either, according to his own words, be miserable or be cheating on you.
And for the record, here's how to do it: Just tell him you've thought about it long and hard, and you've decided you want to be single while you're away. Make it about you; don't make it about him. If you tell him about this letter and that you're concerned about the very explicit signals he's given and that you're worried it's going to be hard for him to stay faithful, dude is gonna immediately retract all those things he said and start promising to stay true, and he will not be concerned at all about not meaning a word of it. (Note that no one says lightly, "I need to have real sex once a month" and "I would probably lie to you about cheating," and then a few months later realizes they were mistaken. It's just not the sort of thing you do an honest 180 on.) Make it about you and want you want, because then you don't give him the opening to appease you with empty promises.
This is like Pascal's wager. What have you got to lose by breaking it off? If he really wants to be with you and you really want to be with him, you've both got plenty of time to get back together when you get back. If you stay together, you'll hate how tied-down you feel to an incommunicado nonpresence who's given you solid reason to worry about his fidelity; and he'll either, according to his own words, be miserable or be cheating on you.
And for the record, here's how to do it: Just tell him you've thought about it long and hard, and you've decided you want to be single while you're away. Make it about you; don't make it about him. If you tell him about this letter and that you're concerned about the very explicit signals he's given and that you're worried it's going to be hard for him to stay faithful, dude is gonna immediately retract all those things he said and start promising to stay true, and he will not be concerned at all about not meaning a word of it. (Note that no one says lightly, "I need to have real sex once a month" and "I would probably lie to you about cheating," and then a few months later realizes they were mistaken. It's just not the sort of thing you do an honest 180 on.) Make it about you and want you want, because then you don't give him the opening to appease you with empty promises.
28
Why does she sign off "No Orgasms Overseas Babe"? Is she planning on not masturbating the whole time?
29
Dan's advice may not be easy to implement, NOOB, but speaking from experience, it is the best thing you can do for both of you. It also maximizes the chances that you and this guy will end up being friends in the long run.
Have a blast abroad! You will discover new things about who you are and what you want out of life.
Have a blast abroad! You will discover new things about who you are and what you want out of life.
30
@ 14
Exactly. What else is there to discuss? If he lied about safe sex before, what's to say he's not still lying. Now add cheating into the mix? WTF is that girl's problem? How many more signs are needed? DTMFA
Exactly. What else is there to discuss? If he lied about safe sex before, what's to say he's not still lying. Now add cheating into the mix? WTF is that girl's problem? How many more signs are needed? DTMFA
31
He lied about unprotected sex and you are going to continue sleeping with him for another 2 months? Really?
32
NOOB, I've been (sort-of) in your situation before. I was dating a man who left for 7 months in the airforce while I left for a couple of months to Europe. I was monogamous to him and regret it now; we were miserable, the relationship was strained, and I missed out on a lot of great experiences. Live your lives where you are; if the relationship is so wonderful you can come back to it when you're back in the states. Have fun, enjoy life. =)
33
Yow. Great advice all around: end it. He is being honest: he's going to get it on with other people. If there really is something special, you will pick up when you get back (highly unlikely, IMHO).
Have fun abroad!
Have fun abroad!
34
@1: You were presumably young and clueless at one point, too. Cut her some slack--at least she's asking someone who'll give it to her straight.
36
If you have to make someone be honest, even if you could, is it worth your time? (The answer to this question is "no".)
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