Slog
News & ArtsThursday, December 1, 2011
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Pegging Underground
Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Dec 1, 2011 at 3:13 PM
I'm a straight 26-year-old male, in a great relationship, almost completely fulfilling. I've really grown to enjoy solo anal stimulation, and now I'm considering pegging. However, I'm not really interested in doing it with my partner, for whatever reason. Know of anywhere online that's low on the shady scale where I can connect with women who want to peg on the sly? I suppose thats highly unlikely, but figured I give it a shot. Thanks for any ideas.
Boy Undergoes Total Topping
My response—it's brief—is after the jump.
If a pegging underground exists, BUTT, it has somehow managed to escape my attention. I do, however, occasionally get letters from women who are interested in pegging but whose male partners aren't interested in being pegged. Perhaps you could find one of 'em lurking on CL, Ashley Madison, or—and don't know anything about this one, but it sure sounds promising—TopMommyBlogs.com.
Or you could do the easy, expedient, and obvious thing and hire a sex worker to peg your ass—preferably not on the sly, i.e. preferably with your girlfriend's consent.
1
"However, I'm not really interested in doing it with my partner, for whatever reason."
That mysterious reason is the crux of his entire problem. If the relationship is "almost completely fulfilling" why can't this one sex act also be fulfilled by his partner? And if he truly requires someone else. why must the 3rd-party pegging be done in secret?
He seems to be jumping over multiple land mines that need be defused before cheating is an option.
That mysterious reason is the crux of his entire problem. If the relationship is "almost completely fulfilling" why can't this one sex act also be fulfilled by his partner? And if he truly requires someone else. why must the 3rd-party pegging be done in secret?
He seems to be jumping over multiple land mines that need be defused before cheating is an option.
2
Yah, before you can even begin to justify going behind your partners back you have to make at least a good faith effort to do things openly.
3
I'm surprised you didn't emphasize the "girlfriends consent" part. He seems dangerously close to CPOS territory.
Or DTMFA and go get pegged to his hearts content.
Or DTMFA and go get pegged to his hearts content.
4
Interesting to think about the STD aspects of this. If he doesn't do any other sexual activities with his outside partner (unlikely as it sounds), is getting pegged by a dildo much of a health risk? I suppose your crotches might touch enough to get herpes, but... insofar as Dan's outrage at CPOSs has to do with the possibility of spreading disease, maybe this guy (if he did nothing else) would be on relatively safe ground?
Still obviously better for him to clear the air... try introducing a butt plug during sex, for instance, get the conversation going...
Still obviously better for him to clear the air... try introducing a butt plug during sex, for instance, get the conversation going...
5
@1 and @2, especially since the poster is only 26. Either he needs to be open with his partner, or he should live without doing this activity, or he should find a different relationship (or no relationship). He can't stay "low on the shady scale" otherwise.
I know I'd be furious if my partner had sex with someone else secretly because "I wasn't really interested in doing it with you, for whatever reason."
I know I'd be furious if my partner had sex with someone else secretly because "I wasn't really interested in doing it with you, for whatever reason."
6
Yeah, Dan gave BUTT waaaay too much of a pass on "I'm not really interested in doing it with my partner, for whatever reason." Seems that excuse can be used to justify all sorts of CPOS activity:
1. I really like blowjobs, but I'm not really interested in getting one from / blowing my partner, for whatever reason. Where can I get/give some blowjobs on the sly?
2. I really like doggy-style sex, I'm not really interested in doing it with my partner, for whatever reason...
3. I really like sex, but I'm not really interested in doing it with my partner, for whatever reason (weight gain, bed death, etc.). Where can I get some sex on the side?
Etc. Seems to me that if you're interested in X, the non-CPOS option is to first give your partner the opportunity to be GGG, not run off to the first piece on the side you can find.
1. I really like blowjobs, but I'm not really interested in getting one from / blowing my partner, for whatever reason. Where can I get/give some blowjobs on the sly?
2. I really like doggy-style sex, I'm not really interested in doing it with my partner, for whatever reason...
3. I really like sex, but I'm not really interested in doing it with my partner, for whatever reason (weight gain, bed death, etc.). Where can I get some sex on the side?
Etc. Seems to me that if you're interested in X, the non-CPOS option is to first give your partner the opportunity to be GGG, not run off to the first piece on the side you can find.
8
Dude, get real, it's hard enough finding a woman for regular old on-the-sly hookups. You will never (never!) find one for pegging-only on-the-sly hookups.
However, you could easily find a gay guy willing to dress up like a girl and fuck you in the ass. Bonus - since it's gay sex, it's not really cheating.
P.S. Fellow SLOG commenters, what do you say we continue this discussion over at TopMommyBlogs.com. :-)
However, you could easily find a gay guy willing to dress up like a girl and fuck you in the ass. Bonus - since it's gay sex, it's not really cheating.
P.S. Fellow SLOG commenters, what do you say we continue this discussion over at TopMommyBlogs.com. :-)
9
I think he just anticipates she won't be interested or might be freaked out, and isn't coming out and saying that, or brave enough to broach the issue wiht her and find out.
10
He doesn't want to admit to his girlfriend that he likes butt play. He's either still young enough to be embarrassed about it, or he thinks she'll freak.
11
@8, if his pegging is not with a dildo but with an actual cock, that undermines whatever non-STD-spreading credibility his original proposal may have had (@4). But you're probably right that he'll end up there.
13
Seandr,
If he lived in my city, I'd be up for pegging-only hookups. Provided they were a little S&M dom flavored.
But, really, he needs to try and get his SO to go there first. A surprising amount of women want to do this, but don't bring it up to their boyfriends b/c a lot of het men freak out if you suggest going anywhere near their asses.
When I was getting my advanced degree, this was the #1 fantasy the women would come out with when we would get drunk and "girl chat". The #2 was a MMF threesome, btw.
If he lived in my city, I'd be up for pegging-only hookups. Provided they were a little S&M dom flavored.
But, really, he needs to try and get his SO to go there first. A surprising amount of women want to do this, but don't bring it up to their boyfriends b/c a lot of het men freak out if you suggest going anywhere near their asses.
When I was getting my advanced degree, this was the #1 fantasy the women would come out with when we would get drunk and "girl chat". The #2 was a MMF threesome, btw.
14
Why are we helping CPOS's get their rocks off? It's not "for whatever reason", it's because you're a coward who isn't willing to be honest with yourself, much less your partner.
15
Men who want to be pegged vastly outnumber women looking to peg someone. He'd be better off talking to his girlfriend or hiring a professional. Places that cater to a kinky crowd tend to be pretty uneven when it comes to the women who are looking to peg someone versus the mob of men looking to be pegged. If he's cute, he might have a chance, but it's going to be even harder than finding a woman for a vanilla NSA hookup.
16
"However, I'm not really interested in doing it with my partner, for whatever reason"
This asshole doesn't deserve to get his asshole fucked.
Dan gave this guy a pass?
FAIL
This asshole doesn't deserve to get his asshole fucked.
Dan gave this guy a pass?
FAIL
18
Like many many many many many guys, he's interested in strictly recreational sex outside of his primary relationship, which is perfectly normal, and is routinely indulged in by hundreds of millions of guys around the globe. Deal with it.
19
@18: And if, like "many many" guys he's too much of a chickenshit to talk to his partner about that, then he's a Cheating Piece of Shit and he should go fuck himself. Deal with that, jackass.
20
I've got $5 on Madonna-whore complex. His GF is much to nice a girl to ask for the dirty-girl stuff.
21
he likely fears (for whatever reason) that if he gets fucked by the girlfriend, it will somehow make her disinterested in regular sex with him, you know, for whatever reason
22
Pegger in an open relationship here.
As I've learned from pretty much all the guys I've been with in NSA pegging hook-ups, one time or on-going, it's pretty damn hard to find a woman for said NSA pegging hook-ups. Personally, I've always been cool hooking up with guys in relationships if AND ONLY IF I was confident that they were being open with their partner. I immediately cut off any guy looking for action on the sly. Women who are into this kind of play pretty much have their pick of guys. They have no reason to deal with cheaters (unless they happen to be into that, but women who are into both pegging and cheating will be even fewer and further between).
So my advice is to stop trying to give yourself a pass on cheating "for whatever reason" (what the fuck is that?), figure out why you don't want to approach your partner about this, and try to get past that to discuss either doing it with her (probably your best bet for getting done up the butt by a woman without paying) or getting her okay to do it with someone else. If you get the okay to go outside and don't want to go pro, you might look into Fetlife. CL can work too, but you'll get lots of spam.
That's about all I've got. Put on your big boy crotchless panties and be a grown up.
As I've learned from pretty much all the guys I've been with in NSA pegging hook-ups, one time or on-going, it's pretty damn hard to find a woman for said NSA pegging hook-ups. Personally, I've always been cool hooking up with guys in relationships if AND ONLY IF I was confident that they were being open with their partner. I immediately cut off any guy looking for action on the sly. Women who are into this kind of play pretty much have their pick of guys. They have no reason to deal with cheaters (unless they happen to be into that, but women who are into both pegging and cheating will be even fewer and further between).
So my advice is to stop trying to give yourself a pass on cheating "for whatever reason" (what the fuck is that?), figure out why you don't want to approach your partner about this, and try to get past that to discuss either doing it with her (probably your best bet for getting done up the butt by a woman without paying) or getting her okay to do it with someone else. If you get the okay to go outside and don't want to go pro, you might look into Fetlife. CL can work too, but you'll get lots of spam.
That's about all I've got. Put on your big boy crotchless panties and be a grown up.
23
Doesn't this consist of cheating? And how does this guy cheat on his "great, almost completely fulfilling" girlfriend without becoming a CPOS? My brief answer would have been: 1) Ask the g/f to peg you, or 2) ask her permission to get it elsewhere, or 3) break up, 4) live without pegging.
24
"However, I'm not really interested in doing it with my partner"
Pfft, dude doesn't have a partner.
Pfft, dude doesn't have a partner.
25
@8 & 11, I kinda think that once it's a real flesh and bone dick in his ass, and not silicone or glass or stainless steel, it stops being pegging and is just fucking.
the TopMommyBlogs thing has me beyond confused. I'm wondering if the topic of sex falls under special needs, since it certainly isn't under any of the others. I have 3 kids, I'm thought I was in the club, but that site made me feel squicky. Dirty pool, boys.
the TopMommyBlogs thing has me beyond confused. I'm wondering if the topic of sex falls under special needs, since it certainly isn't under any of the others. I have 3 kids, I'm thought I was in the club, but that site made me feel squicky. Dirty pool, boys.
26
If the "For whatever reason" reason is that he thinks she'd freak out or whatever, he's still gotta ask. Otherwise, yeah it is cheating. Plus, you never know. I never thought my wife would be into it, but we had the conversation and found out she was willing to do anything for me. Turns out she really enjoys it, too.
28
I am with everyone else here. @6 pretty much wrote the comment I would have written, and I liked @22's a lot too.
Why did this CPOS get such a pass?
Why did this CPOS get such a pass?
29
@25 "flesh and bone dick"? I guess it is called a boner, but still...
@26 "I never thought my wife would be into it, but we had the conversation and found out she was willing to do anything for me."
THIS. More men need to envision that a positive response is possible. Don't be scared of the conversation, guys!
@26 "I never thought my wife would be into it, but we had the conversation and found out she was willing to do anything for me."
THIS. More men need to envision that a positive response is possible. Don't be scared of the conversation, guys!
30
@ 20 - I think you are right. Short letter, so, can read into it in many ways, but lotsa times, hetero guys want some kinda dirty low get your freak on action, but they feel like a "nice" girl wouldn't do that. FFS. But it's true. So they don't ask their perfectly nice, sometimes even GGG girlfriend/spouse, as whatever it is would sully their image of their mate. Guy above me has the right of it too - OR (the LW is only mid-20's) as so he could just be hung up on the "can't tell anyone I like buttplay" thing. Guy! It doesn't make you gay. Try out your S.O., if the relationship is all that fulfilling otherwise. Worst she can say is no. But yeah, skanking around on the side to get this one sexual itch - so to speak - scratched is really sleazy, & not in a good way.
Dan - really? *frown of disapproval*
Dan - really? *frown of disapproval*
32
Um, what? Why on earth does this guy get a pass to go and cheat? He hasn't even *tried* to talk to his GF about it!
34
@29: On a serious note, you are right, so many problems would vanish if guys weren't afraid to ask.
There are no guarantees, of course. Still, I've been pleasantly surprised by the things the lady has been willing to do, and actually been turned on by doing, especially concerning matters of the ass.
Moral of the story - if you want your woman to lick, poke, stroke, or drill your ass (and believe me, you want her to do all those things, even if you don't know it yet), you gotta let her know.
There are no guarantees, of course. Still, I've been pleasantly surprised by the things the lady has been willing to do, and actually been turned on by doing, especially concerning matters of the ass.
Moral of the story - if you want your woman to lick, poke, stroke, or drill your ass (and believe me, you want her to do all those things, even if you don't know it yet), you gotta let her know.
36
Like everybody else, I'm also a bit surprised at the "for whatever reason" line. Maybe there is something legit here (maybe he's tried already and knows for a fact that she would freak out), but I have to agree that it's such a surprising and unnecessary line (what's he afraid of? Dan's reaction? Dan, the man who first promoted the word 'pegging' himself?) that it's hard not to think his motives aren't good. I don't know for a fact that it's the case, but it feels as though he doesn't like the idea of his "nice girl" partner doing it. The old Madonna-Whore thing.
So I'll agree with most others above (most recently seandr@34) that, unless his "whatever reason" happens to be a damn good one, he should talk to his partner first. If the reason why he doesn't is just something about liking to be a 'bad guy' ('I like to be bad... getting something on the sly, heh heh heh' [insert film noir theme music here]), then he's wandering way too close to CPOS territory for my personal comfort.
So I'll agree with most others above (most recently seandr@34) that, unless his "whatever reason" happens to be a damn good one, he should talk to his partner first. If the reason why he doesn't is just something about liking to be a 'bad guy' ('I like to be bad... getting something on the sly, heh heh heh' [insert film noir theme music here]), then he's wandering way too close to CPOS territory for my personal comfort.
37
I'm with the "for whatever reason" group. Dude. Just. Gimme a break. Use your big boy words and tell her or gtfo.
38
Consider giving him a pass on the "whatever reason" remark. People can have a hard time opening up completely to their "therapist" even if it's through an anonymous online discussion. In other words, it's not necessarily that he himself doesn't know the reason or that he thinks the issue is a trivial one, it's just that maybe he is seriously uncomfortable talking about it and wants to first try getting advice without disclosing it. He wants to limit the discussion to the mechanics of the sex act. Of course that's not going to work out.
Confront the truth with your partner, friend. Otherwise you set a pattern for your relationship to fail.
Confront the truth with your partner, friend. Otherwise you set a pattern for your relationship to fail.
40
I do, however, occasionally get letters from women who are interested in pegging but whose male partners aren't interested in being pegged.
I wonder how the number of situations like that compares to the number where men are interested but their female partners aren't.
I wonder how the number of situations like that compares to the number where men are interested but their female partners aren't.
41
@39: You're probably right. You know what's a really clear sign of impaired masculinity? The inability to own your feelings and be honest with your partner.
43
Talk to ur gf u would be surprised on how willing she will be to peg u when ever u want it. I was shy about talking about it at first with my gf . But after talking to her and going shopping to buy a toy . It has brought us closer together. We both enjoy it . OPEN UP AND TALK TO HER ITS GREAT TO HAVE HER PEGGING U
Advertisement
Most Commented on Slog
-
All You Motherfuckers Complaining That aPodments Are Too Small at 200 Square Feet by Dominic Holden
-
It's Spring! Who's Ready for Street Harassment? by Cienna Madrid
-
SL Letter of the Day: Did You Think I Was Going To Tell You Not To Come Out? (PLUS: Help Free Kate!) by Dan Savage
-
America's Epidemic of Toddler-on-Toddler Gun Violence Continues by Goldy
-
Dutch Artist Turns Dead Cat into Remote-Controlled Helicopter by Bethany Jean Clement
-
Slog Overnight by Dan Savage
-
New Gun Enthusiast... by Dan Savage
-
Saint Genet Re-Creates "Shoot" by Brendan Kiley
-
Slog Bible Study: Revelation 1:9 by Goldy
-
The City of Portland, Oregon Should Run for Washington Lieutenant Governor by Goldy
Stranger Personals
The Stranger
RSSSeattle Art & Performance Quarterly
A complete guide to Seattle's current art, film, dance, and theater season.
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (43) RSS