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Friday, December 2, 2011

Chow Hell Hath No Fury Like an Ice-Cream Lover Scorned

Posted by David Schmader on Fri, Dec 2, 2011 at 10:18 AM

Sent last night to I, Anonymous:

Dear popular local ice creamery: I used to be your biggest fan. I had your flavors memorized and frequented your stores on a daily basis. My favorite flavor was Starburst, which tasted like all of the Starburst flavors churned together with heavenly cream. Starburst was initially listed as a "Seasonal" flavor but then YOU, in YOUR own handwriting, added to the list of "Always" flavors. One day, to my horror, Starburst was gone! I was grossly offended by your flagrant lie. And to add insult to injury, you replaced Starburst with SPRING GARLIC! And we both know that was a fluke. Now, you have betrayed me again. For the past three years, you offered Candy Cane ice cream throughout the month of December. Because it is a "Seasonal" flavor, I know to stock up on pints andrtation them throughout the year. I cherish each bite and patiently look forward to Candy Cane season. I recently learned that you replaced Candy Cane ice cream with Hot Chocolate Peppermint ice cream. Those with a discerning palate, such as myself, know that peppermint and candy cane are not the same. Candy Canes are unique to Christmas time whereas peppermints sit in a bowl by cash registers at Vietnamese restaurants all year. Do you not care about your loyal customers? By continuing to pander to the latest hipster whims and ignoring the business of your most loyal customers, YOU will change from an "ALWAYS" business to a "SEASONAL" business.

Dear weirdly particular ice-cream freak: I was about to recommend you try Yogurtland's delicious peppermint flavor (SO GOOD! My dream of edible toothpaste is one step closer to reality!) but then I remembered peppermint and Candy Cane are opposites. Good luck.

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I wonder if this letter writer deserves the seasonal lump of coal ice cream?

Posted by nicholaus on December 2, 2011 at 10:24 AM

and here I thought I got pissed when I found out the maple bacon ice cream was only being offered during breakfast hours a few years back. damn.

Posted by UNPAID COMMENTER on December 2, 2011 at 10:25 AM

I can't help suspecting this is the kind of person who will channel his or her artisanal-ice-creamery frustration into some sort of World of Warcraft raid.

Posted by gloomy gus on December 2, 2011 at 10:27 AM

molly moon is a fickle girl. it's time to break up with her. full tilt and bluebird are epically better anyway.

Posted by whiskeypony on December 2, 2011 at 10:38 AM

First world crisis

Posted by Last of the Time Lords on December 2, 2011 at 10:39 AM

Is it really Molly Moon? Admittedly, I don't go there as often as I'd like, but I've never heard of any of those flavors being offered there. With the hipster reference, I assumed it was Full Tilt.

Posted by keshmeshi on December 2, 2011 at 10:46 AM

"...but then I remembered peppermint and Candy Cane are opposites." *almost spit her coffee out* Good timez.

Posted by 6 on December 2, 2011 at 10:50 AM

@6, those are all Molly Moon flavors.

I never trust people who eat ice cream in winter.

Posted by Andy on December 2, 2011 at 11:09 AM

@8, winter is the only appropriate time to eat ice cream. Hot weather is popsicle weather.

Posted by Fnarf

on December 2, 2011 at 11:15 AM

So this is what the 1% worry about.

Posted by kalel80806 on December 2, 2011 at 11:23 AM

Am I going to just have to get used to seeing "first world problem" all over the place? Because it's already stale.

Posted by Matt from Denver on December 2, 2011 at 11:28 AM

Dude, it's not even that warm outside.

Even if it is sunny today.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on December 2, 2011 at 11:30 AM

Anonymous doesn't think he or she is one of the hipsters who gives hipsters a justifiably bad name?

What a fucking douche.

Posted by I Got Nuthin' on December 2, 2011 at 11:35 AM

First of all, fuck all of you who make eating ice cream out to be some sort of elitist libertine activity. If ever an activity should be ushered into the pantheon of human rights eating ice cream should be it.

Second, I want to add the discontinuation of Molly Moon's Ginger ice cream to the list of human rights abuses she has made this year.

See you in Hague bitches!

Posted by jnonymous on December 2, 2011 at 11:58 AM

@6 Hipster? In Columbia City and White Center?

Posted by Rotten666 on December 2, 2011 at 12:30 PM

Maybe the new flavors are unpleasant when Anonymous is purging.

Posted by yuiop on December 2, 2011 at 12:36 PM

This story made me feel especially good about myself today. Thank you for lowering the bar to such a point that it's difficult to even trip over.

Posted by SPG on December 2, 2011 at 12:38 PM

13: Ah, come on. Goofy crap like this is exactly what "I, Anonymous" should include.

Posted by Teslick on December 2, 2011 at 12:41 PM

Anonymous was going there daily? I think she (just a guess that Anon is a gal) can afford to turn it into a seasonal experience. She probably insists she has a glandular problem too.

Posted by Garfield on December 2, 2011 at 12:45 PM

I stopped going to Molly Moon's when I got the vegan sorbet and they dramatically warned me that it might not be vegan. I'm not a vegan but wtf. Crazy.

Posted by Bollo on December 2, 2011 at 12:46 PM

@15 - So you haven't been to Columbia City or White Center lately....

Yep, it's true: hipsters have escaped their traditional holding pens of Capitol Hill and, more recently, Georgetown. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE (almost).

Posted by merry on December 2, 2011 at 1:29 PM

@11 meta-first world problem

Posted by blip on December 2, 2011 at 1:32 PM

@22- bahahahahah you called it!

Posted by lilmonster206 on December 2, 2011 at 1:48 PM

@8,

In that case, maybe I have to side with Anon. Spring Garlic ice cream? How much of that did they have to throw in the garbage?

Posted by keshmeshi on December 2, 2011 at 2:03 PM

@24, when I was in college they tried serving Pickle ice cream to us. Flourescent yellow with actual green pickle bits. Unspeakable. We heaved that shit out of the second-story window.

Posted by Fnarf

on December 2, 2011 at 2:50 PM

@25- Eeww! And I like pickles, but that sounds disgusting!
However- Pickle-sickles (which are popsicles made from real pickle juice) are awesome on a hot day, especially if you are sweating or working in any way.

Posted by pick a pack of pickled popsickles on December 2, 2011 at 5:38 PM

Anon...I think you have a problem and it's not that your favorite flavors are only offered "seasonally".

Posted by yucca flower on December 2, 2011 at 7:03 PM

God forbid a business owner try new things or try to maintain their organic claims... I wonder if Anon gets as upset at a restaurant that has a fixed price menu that changes daily or weekly depending on the local and seasonal fare?

Posted by catherineblake on December 3, 2011 at 3:58 AM

28 is right. Everyone knows candy canes are only available after the great September candy-cane harvest. (She's also right about Anonymous being kind of bonkers.)

Posted by David Schmader on December 3, 2011 at 11:39 AM

This, MM's "new" flavor, fails to seduce my palate away from Bluebird's Peppermint Mocha [yes, it's to die for], which I heard is available in the Bluebird New York shop too [the world is a better place].

Posted by critter on December 6, 2011 at 2:33 AM