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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Chow Hell Hath No Fury Like a Graham-Cracker Construction Worker Scorned

Posted by David Schmader on Tue, Dec 13, 2011 at 12:23 PM

Dear Honey Maid: All I wanted for Christmas this year was the simple joy of constructing a festive, candy adorned house out of graham crackers, surrounded by good friends and holiday spirit. But apparently, that was too much to ask for, because no amount of cement icing, candy cane buttresses or engineering finesse could make your pathetic excuse for graham crackers resemble anything but a pile of broken dreams. Thanks to whatever “recipe” changes you’ve made over the years, your once sturdy crackers designed to split along pre-scored lines now crumble into a million pieces when put in contact with as much as a spice drop. As a result, my carefully selected Christmas music was drowned out by my cursing of your worthless product, and a night intended to inspire glorious displays of holiday architecture quickly disintegrated into a sad display of temper tantrums, excessive candy consumption, and spiked cider-induced drunkenness. Thank you, Honey Maid, for destroying my one attempt at Christmas cheer and replacing it with the dysfunctionality and disappointment I’ve come to expect during the holidays.

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And so, the revolution can truly begin.

Posted by zombie eyes on December 13, 2011 at 12:28 PM

Damn outsourced graham flour.

Posted by merry on December 13, 2011 at 12:43 PM

Aww, bummer!

Posted by care bear on December 13, 2011 at 12:44 PM

Try flying buttresses. I know it worked for the Inquisition.

Posted by Vince on December 13, 2011 at 12:48 PM

Just make your own gingerbread. It's pretty easy.

Posted by JenV on December 13, 2011 at 12:49 PM

Let them get a little stale first.

Posted by Mahtli69 on December 13, 2011 at 12:54 PM

Honeymaid?! You've got to step up your gram cracker game, son! 365, New Morning, ANYTHING but Honey Maid.

I only talk like this during the Holidays.

Posted by Dougsf on December 13, 2011 at 12:55 PM

Hm. Somehow I thought it was only me who believed that the composition of graham crackers had secretly changed over the last 20 years.

Posted by alicepenguin on December 13, 2011 at 12:58 PM

Wait until he he finds out about the xenon gas that gets expelled from them after you tear off the inner wrapper.

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe

on December 13, 2011 at 12:59 PM

Wait, is graham cracker house a thing? I always thought they were made out of gingerbread.

Posted by Andy on December 13, 2011 at 1:02 PM

trans-fat removal?

Posted by tdonut on December 13, 2011 at 1:03 PM

If you want sturdy walls but do not care that it's not gingerbread (you apostate, you), why not use Ry-Vita?

Posted by gloomy gus on December 13, 2011 at 1:07 PM

@9: That's Xenu's gas. Those graham crackers are the trapped souls of aliens!

Posted by Cracker Jack on December 13, 2011 at 1:18 PM

Learn to bake. Gingerbread is not difficult to make, and it's infinitely more customizable than graham crackers.

Posted by MacCrocodile

on December 13, 2011 at 1:21 PM

You might not be able to make a gingerbread house out of it, but whiskey never disappoints like graham crackers do.

Posted by TVDinner

on December 13, 2011 at 1:22 PM

Ron Swanson?

Posted by Rotten666 on December 13, 2011 at 1:36 PM

@15:

I dunno about that. A couple of years ago, Jack Daniel cut the proof of the black label from 86 to 80, thereby rendering it less smooth and far less satisfying. IOW, disappointing.

I've switched to Maker's (90 proof) as my regular whiskey.

Posted by N in Seattle

on December 13, 2011 at 1:40 PM

In elementary school, we icing-glued halves of graham cracks onto (rinsed, empty) mini milk cartons. You don't get an edible house out of it but it maintains it's structural integrity.

Posted by More, I Say! on December 13, 2011 at 1:45 PM

@ 17, try a good rye sometime.

Anyone whose failure at gingerbread house construction destroys their Christmas cheer and replaces it with dysfunction and disappointment was doomed to it from the get go.

Posted by Matt from Denver on December 13, 2011 at 1:50 PM

@15, every time I read a comment like that, I think of this band from Iowa City, the Escape the Flood Water Jug Band, and their song "Whiskey Will Fix It." Sadly, it's not online.

Posted by Griffin on December 13, 2011 at 2:10 PM

Mi•Del Graham crackers are made from real Graham wheat—much sturdier (and they scrape your innards out better, too). Available in many food co-ops

You need to use the real thing instead of the ‘corporatized’ fake-america version

Posted by strandgeist on December 13, 2011 at 2:23 PM

Hey, try building a festive holiday house out of latkes held together with dollops of sour cream and decorated with applesauce piping! You think you got it so bad with your gingerbread house? Feh!

Posted by venomlash on December 13, 2011 at 4:19 PM

@Rotten: Ha!

Posted by laterite on December 13, 2011 at 4:34 PM

Anon, just glue to crackers together with frosting to make graham plywood sheets...or bake your own ginger bread. You can buy a mix for $2.50

Posted by Y.F. Redux on December 13, 2011 at 5:59 PM

Hurrah, the mini-composition daily assignments I badgered my reticent primary-school tot into doing has paid off into an "I, Anonymous". Well done, son! I'm proud of you.

Posted by Keister Button on December 13, 2011 at 7:15 PM

You should post this on your facebook page so all of your friends can tell you how "bummed for u" they are and to "cheer up, santas coming!!!!!".

Posted by kalel80806 on December 14, 2011 at 6:34 AM

@Venomlash My aunt always orders a Chanukah-themed gingerbread house from a local bakery for the big family celebration. It took several tries before she found a bakery in Evanston that could wrap their mind around the concept, but the current place seems to do a pretty good job.

Posted by Kitts on December 14, 2011 at 5:41 PM

Whining about graham crackers being poor substitutes for gingerbread is a bit like complaining that presto-logs don't burn for the full advertised 2 hours. It's a stupid compromise from the get go.

Posted by Eastpike on December 14, 2011 at 9:02 PM