Pictures like this one, sent over from the producers of the Capitol Hill Ice Rink, tell a familiar holiday story: Generations of families and friends bonding over ice skates and cups of hot cocoa. But last week, veteran ice skater Jen Graves set out to test the waters (HAR HAR) at Capitol Hill's rink—which is open 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. through December24—and she was less than pleased with the results:

The name itself is a lie. Blatant lying at Christmas! Think of the children! Ice is a noun with a specific meaning. An ice rink is an ice rink: I can't even believe that sentence had to be written. But there is no ice at the 1st Annual Capitol Hill Ice Rink. No ice! Rather, you skate upon a giant white cutting board made of a "special plastic polymer" that gets sprayed periodically with a "lubricating solution."

I had to see it for myself. I set out immediately for the cutting board. Nobody else was there. But having all that cutting board to myself was of little use, because I could barely manage to get across it: My skates were in total revolt. They wanted the ice that they were built for. After each push-off, I could get maybe five inches of glide before I was brought to a dead stop. The cutting board was dirty and wet. I longed for the lacy layers of information embedded in the surface of repeatedly Zambonied ice.

And now for another time-honored tradition—a Slog poll: