Long story short: I'm a widower. It's Christmas Day and six years ago yesterday—on Christmas Eve—my wife of 7 years died of breast cancer at age 30. Because of the cancer and how she got it right after we were married, we couldn't have kids. I'm 40 now and living at home with my parents. After she died I was left with enormous debt and I myself had suffered a pretty serious injury. Then the economy took a shit and my college-educated ass can't find decent work. I've spent the last two years losing weight, 75 lbs worth that I had put on due to an injury and post-death-of-wife depression, and now I'm trying to rebuild my life. Truth is I've met someone but she's married with two small kids. Sometimes I feel there is genuine love between us and sometimes I feel used. I doubt she will leave her husband and my position in life hardly makes me an alternative. My looks, what few I had, time has not been kind to. I'm damn lonely and I don't know what to do. I need more but have no idea how to get it. I try not to be bitter as I know no one would want to be around me when I'm like that. Hell, I don't want to be around me. So here is my question. Do I continue to see this person? I love her, Dan, but its not enough and when I do pull back like I did this week suddenly I'm super important to her but I still don't get what I need. But what else can I hope for? My life is a clusterfuck. I've tried dating and its like a job interview. Seriously, I dread them both.
And I swear if one more person at my shitty retail job tells my that Christmas is the greatest time of year and it can't be that bad, I'm going to jump over the counter and scream at them how awful life can be while I shove their platinum card in their stupid mouth.
Hell Is Solitary Confinement
My response after the jump...
I'm sorry you're in such a tough place right now, HISC, and I hope things turn around for you soon.
I'm not sure what to tell you about the woman you're seeing. It would suck, on top of everything else, to go without any love, affection, or intimacy in your life. But if being with this woman brings more pain into your life than joy, stop seeing her. If you can see her and truly appreciate what she's able to give you, however limited it might be, without aching for what she can't give you, then perhaps you should keep seeing her—and with some sense of gratitude, if that's not inconceivable, for the small measure of pleasure and joy, however compromised and compromising, that she does bring to your life.
It's about expectations, HISC. If you want more from her than she can give, you'll be disappointed and heartsore. If you can adjust your expectations and get to a place where you only want/expect what she can give you (or a little less), then you'll take more pleasure out of this relationship.
I'm not going into the wisdom of being involved with a married person—particularly one with kids—as I don't know her circumstances, how you two met, what she has told you about her intentions, or any of the other details. But I will say this: with the economy being what it is, HISC, there are a lot of people in your shoes. There are a lot of women out there who are broke and lonely, and many are living with their parents. Perhaps if you were honest in a personal ad—direct about your circumstances without seeming bitter—you might find an unattached woman who wasn't looking to be rescued, but instead wanted to be with someone who understood what she was going through, someone who would want to climb out of that hole—economically, emotionally—with and for her.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I wish you the best, I'm so sorry for the loss of your spouse, and I hope that things improve for you in 2012.
P.S. I don't usually post SLLOTD's on Sundays, or on holidays. But I wanted to toss HISC's letter up in case any Sloggers lurking here on Christmas Day had any insight or words of encouragement.
