SL Letter of the Day: Frustrated Sex Columnist
by Dan Savage
on Thu, Jan 19, 2012 at 4:56 PM
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we are perfect for each other and we have plans to get married. Our relationship is perfect except for the fact that we don't have sex as much as I would like to. I am a sexual person and have always been, but my boyfriend is the opposite. He has a very low sex drive so he is perfectly happy with having sex once a week if that. I could live with two but would prefer more. When we do have sex it's amazing! I love him so much and he is everything I want in a guy but this one problem is a big one. My self esteem is greatly affected by this and I am way too nervous to initiate sex because I always get rejected, which always ends up with us getting into a huge fight. When he does want to have sex it is always planned and never spontaneous. Since we don't have sex that much it's always over quickly so I try to prolong foreplay which gets too routine. We have talked about this so many times and he says that when he says no to sex I get upset and that makes sex a huge deal which makes it feel like a chore for him. I understand what he means but I would be happy if once in awhile he would go with it when I am coming on to him. One of the problems that could be holding us back is the fact that I live with my parents, so we always have to be quite, which is never fun. We try to have sex as often as we can when my parents are not home but that rarely happens. Do you have any advise for me? Thank you!
Very Frustrated Girlfriend
My response after the jump...
I fucking hate this question.
And I get it all the time... and I've answered it a million times... and I've sworn off answering it again. But I want to blog/tweet/watch the GOP debate tonight so I told myself to just respond to the first SL letter that I opened to get the SLLOTD out of the way... and yours is it, VFG.
So here goes:
Don't marry this motherfucker. You're not "perfect for each other." Far from it. He's making you miserable. And it won't get better, VFG, no matter how much you work at it. It's only going to get worse and sooner or later you'll cheat on his on ass and then you'll be the villain in the piece divorce. And the longer you stay with him the more damage his constant rejection—to say nothing of his efforts to blame and shame you for having a perfectly average sex drive—will do to your self-esteem. Stay with him long enough and his bullshit will destroy your self-esteem.
Face facts, VFG: you're not sexually compatible. And, yes, sexual compatibility is a big part of a (presumably) sexually-exclusive relationship. However perfect he is for you in other ways... he's not the right guy for you because SEX. And when you're selecting a sex partner for life, sex and sexual incompatibility are (or should be) deal breakers.
DTMFA and ATMFTOMOOYPH. ("Move the motherfucker to move out of your parents' house.") There are 3.5 billion other men on the planet, VFG, so it's not like you don't have options.