by Dan Savage
on Thu, Feb 9, 2012 at 3:38 PM
I am an 20 year-old male in a serious long-distance relationship. I have been seeing this girl for over a year, and I know I love her. I can't wait to see her and feel as if the emotional connection between us will not weaken, and she feels the same way. The problem is the sex-life (or the lack there-of).
We see each other once every couple months, which isn't a problem for me. In the in-between time I have masturbation and it's enough to satisfy my high libido while we are apart. The issue is that when we do see each other, she seems a borderline prude, and feels uncomfortable with me touching her. She has a very low libido and claims not to masturbate. While I understand that everyone has their personal boundaries and sexual preferences, I have a hard time getting used to this kind of anti-sexual encouragement. I don't want to be an asshole and I also don't know what to do. I will stay with her regardless, I love her, and the love we share means more to me than anything. But I feel this issue may cause problems in the future.
Am I being selfish? Will things change?
Love Interest's Bed Issues, Desiring Orgasms
My response after the jump...
Will this issue cause problems for you in the future?
Yeah, it will. And this "issue"—your girlfriend doesn't want to fuck you—is causing problems for you now. Ask your girlfriend to get her testosterone levels checked (low testosterone can tank a woman's libido); ask her to go off the pill if she's on it (hormonal birth control can tank a woman's libido); ask her to switch or adjust her meds if she's taking anti-depressants (anti-depressants can tank a woman's libido). But if she doesn't have low testosterone and isn't on birth control or taking anti-depressants, well, then either your girlfriend isn't into you or she isn't into sex, LIBIDO, and those aren't problems that typically work themselves out over time.
And if your girlfriend refuses to get her testosterone levels checked, go off hormonal birth control, or adjust her anti-depressants, LIBIDO, that's a strong indication that she doesn't regard this problem as a problem... which means you have an even bigger problem on your hands, i.e. a romantic partner who doesn't really give a shit about your sexual satisfaction and who isn't willing to make any sort of effort to satisfy you sexually.
I'm gonna urge you to reconsider your "stay with her regardless" stance, LIBIDO. However well you two get along, however strong your emotional connection might be, the sex simply isn't there and—you might want to sit down for this—sex is important.
End it, LIBIDO.
It's only been a year, you've only been in each other's presence a half a dozen times, and you two just aren't clicking sexually. Frankly, LIBIDO, it doesn't sound like you two are in love with each other. It sounds like you're in love with the idea of being in love—and that's not enough to sustain a long-term relationship.