Jean Dujardin from The Artist says to a red carpet interrogator, "I'm not a puppet. I'm an artist." Then he praises America for our cinnamon rolls.
The red carpet is 500 feet long and 35 feet wide, an announcer announces. Then Zach Galifianakis tells a questioner, "I took a bath today."
Billy Crystal says, "We're here at the beautiful Chapter 11 theater." Then, "Nothing can take the sting out of the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues." Then musical theater begins happening. Meanwhile, Slog commenter kcrobinson points out, "This is clearly more of a quarter-hearted attempt at coverage." Mmm hmm!
For reasons unknown, Billy Crystal pretends to eat popcorn, and then they show clips of Forrest Gump, When Harry Met Sally, and Demi Moore crying in Ghost.
Octavia Spencer gets best supporting actress and a standing ovation.
Billy Crystal says that he wanted to hug a black woman after seeing The Help but he was in Beverly Hills and "the nearest one was about a 45-minute drive." That vaguely funny joke is followed by a five-minute joke about The Wizard of Oz.
Lotsa flipping and people standing on each other's heads, courtesy of Cirque du Soleil.
Seattle native TJ Martin wins best documentary for Undefeated, about a Memphis football team. Read an interview with him in today's Seattle Times here.
Slog commenter compares Oscars to masturbation. Christopher Plummer wins supporting actor.
Sandra Bernhard says on Twitter, "Lightly broiled Nick Nolte."
A boringness that eludes description. Your Slog correspondent whiles away the hours rewatching presenters Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell.
Hari Kondabolu tweets, "WOW. Osama Bin Laden, Moammar Gaddafi & Kim Jong-il were not in the Oscars remembrance montage. How soon we forget!"
Jean Dujardin wins best actor, speaks French, and tap dances.
Meryl Streep wins her billionth award for a role in an incomprehensibly boring movie. She gets to the stage saying, "Oh my gawd. Oh, come on. When they called my name I had this feeling that I heard half of America go, 'Oh come on, no, not her. Oh well. Whatever.'" As lovely a speech as you'd expect. Unfortunately, it is followed by the appearance of Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise awards the 45-minutes-too-long movie The Artist the best-picture statue. Harvey Weinstein hive-fives someone.