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Sunday, February 26, 2012

Your Half-Hearted Slog Coverage of the Academy Awards!!

Posted by on Sun, Feb 26, 2012 at 4:56 PM

Oscar voters are nearly 94% Caucasian and 77% male, according to the Los Angeles Times, via Lindy Wests column.

4:45 PM
Jean Dujardin from The Artist says to a red carpet interrogator, "I'm not a puppet. I'm an artist." Then he praises America for our cinnamon rolls.

4:54 PM
The red carpet is 500 feet long and 35 feet wide, an announcer announces. Then Zach Galifianakis tells a questioner, "I took a bath today."

5:37 PM
Billy Crystal says, "We're here at the beautiful Chapter 11 theater." Then, "Nothing can take the sting out of the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues." Then musical theater begins happening. Meanwhile, Slog commenter kcrobinson points out, "This is clearly more of a quarter-hearted attempt at coverage." Mmm hmm!

5:50 PM
For reasons unknown, Billy Crystal pretends to eat popcorn, and then they show clips of Forrest Gump, When Harry Met Sally, and Demi Moore crying in Ghost.

6:12 PM
Octavia Spencer gets best supporting actress and a standing ovation.

6:18 PM
Billy Crystal says that he wanted to hug a black woman after seeing The Help but he was in Beverly Hills and "the nearest one was about a 45-minute drive." That vaguely funny joke is followed by a five-minute joke about The Wizard of Oz.

6:37 PM
Lotsa flipping and people standing on each other's heads, courtesy of Cirque du Soleil.

6:40 PM
Seattle native TJ Martin wins best documentary for Undefeated, about a Memphis football team. Read an interview with him in today's Seattle Times here.

6:41 PM
Slog commenter compares Oscars to masturbation. Christopher Plummer wins supporting actor.

7:15 PM
Sandra Bernhard says on Twitter, "Lightly broiled Nick Nolte."

[Long nap...]

7:55 PM
A boringness that eludes description. Your Slog correspondent whiles away the hours rewatching presenters Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell.

8:06 PM
Dead people.

8:10 PM
Hari Kondabolu tweets, "WOW. Osama Bin Laden, Moammar Gaddafi & Kim Jong-il were not in the Oscars remembrance montage. How soon we forget!"

8:20 PM
Jean Dujardin wins best actor, speaks French, and tap dances.

8:32 PM
Meryl Streep wins her billionth award for a role in an incomprehensibly boring movie. She gets to the stage saying, "Oh my gawd. Oh, come on. When they called my name I had this feeling that I heard half of America go, 'Oh come on, no, not her. Oh well. Whatever.'" As lovely a speech as you'd expect. Unfortunately, it is followed by the appearance of Tom Cruise.

8:36 PM
Tom Cruise awards the 45-minutes-too-long movie The Artist the best-picture statue. Harvey Weinstein hive-fives someone.

 

Comments (39) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
kcrobinson 1
This is clearly more of a quarter-hearted attempt at coverage
Posted by kcrobinson http://www.facebook.com/kcrobinson on February 26, 2012 at 5:21 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 2
No updates in nearly half an hour, and no comments until this one? I think half-hearted is overselling the expectations here.
Posted by Matt from Denver on February 26, 2012 at 5:22 PM · Report this
3
We are Slog. Not so much half-hearted as half-assed.
Posted by gloomy gus on February 26, 2012 at 5:25 PM · Report this
Knat 4
Meh.
Posted by Knat on February 26, 2012 at 5:32 PM · Report this
5
Man, Billy Crystal sucks at this. And the writing so far? Atrocious.
Posted by rainbird on February 26, 2012 at 5:39 PM · Report this
Fnarf 6
This Billy Crystal guy is almost as funny as a can of paint.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on February 26, 2012 at 5:42 PM · Report this
Fifty-Two-Eighty 7
"Half-assed" for the win. Go to either NYT or BBC if you give a shit.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty http://www.nra.org on February 26, 2012 at 5:42 PM · Report this
Fnarf 8
Crazy eyes for Italy!

Whoa, timbales! The music might actually be sort of interesting this year.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on February 26, 2012 at 5:47 PM · Report this
Grrr 9
I think I've had my fill of film awards after BAFTA not too recently and the Spirit Awards last night.
Posted by Grrr on February 26, 2012 at 5:51 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 10
So far Hugo got 2 of the awards it deserves.
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on February 26, 2012 at 5:52 PM · Report this
Sargon Bighorn 11
Is George Clooney Gay? His date is half his age.
Posted by Sargon Bighorn on February 26, 2012 at 5:54 PM · Report this
12
why does it sound like they're trying to auto-tune the whole show?
Posted by electric cricket on February 26, 2012 at 6:09 PM · Report this
Dominic Holden 13
@3) How much ass do you expect on a Sunday night?
Posted by Dominic Holden on February 26, 2012 at 6:28 PM · Report this
Fnarf 14
@11, not many gay men are regularly banging super-hot young female models. Actually, she's 32, he's 50, so he's right on the button -- half plus seven is OK.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on February 26, 2012 at 6:29 PM · Report this
Gern Blanston 15
Oscar loves an old man in the Best Supporting Actor category.
Posted by Gern Blanston on February 26, 2012 at 6:32 PM · Report this
Fnarf 16
I was wrong about the music. It's absolutely horrible.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on February 26, 2012 at 6:34 PM · Report this
Gern Blanston 17
And now it's "Alfred Hitchcock: Turn Off the Dark"
Posted by Gern Blanston on February 26, 2012 at 6:37 PM · Report this
18
@13, half-assing it is a way of life for me. Showing up here so often pretty much proves it.
Posted by gloomy gus on February 26, 2012 at 6:40 PM · Report this
19
Billy Crystal is not funny at all and is more pathetic than anything else. The Oscars are just one big self-masturbation session.
Posted by Weekilter on February 26, 2012 at 6:41 PM · Report this
Gern Blanston 20
I can't decide which I care about less tonight, The Oscars or the NBA All Star Game.
Posted by Gern Blanston on February 26, 2012 at 6:44 PM · Report this
21
Yeah, but Chris Rock.
Posted by gloomy gus on February 26, 2012 at 6:45 PM · Report this
jeze 22
I feel like this is a 1990's Oscars- interpretive dance, tons of montage, Billy Crystal. I'm already praying for the end.
Posted by jeze on February 26, 2012 at 7:13 PM · Report this
Karlheinz Arschbomber 23
If you ignore it, it goes away.
Posted by Karlheinz Arschbomber http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arschbombe on February 26, 2012 at 7:41 PM · Report this
Fnarf 24
Best dressed: Ellie Kemper.

Ooh! Death roll!
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on February 26, 2012 at 8:04 PM · Report this
25
That was my favorite death roll style yet. Was the singer lip-synching?
Posted by gloomy gus on February 26, 2012 at 8:10 PM · Report this
26
Hey, after this, can we live-slog some paint drying?
Posted by Brooklyn Reader on February 26, 2012 at 8:13 PM · Report this
27
Hive Five!
Posted by Daily in LA on February 26, 2012 at 8:41 PM · Report this
28
Go French people!
Posted by Christopher Frizzelle on February 26, 2012 at 8:43 PM · Report this
in-frequent 29
Wait what!?!? I missed the oscars? I guess I can read this thread to get the full experience.
Posted by in-frequent on February 26, 2012 at 8:48 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 30
it was only her 3rd out of 17 nominations, her 1st in 29 years, and she fucking deserved it every time she didn't win. did you SEE adaptation?
Posted by Max Solomon on February 26, 2012 at 9:06 PM · Report this
Supreme Ruler Of The Universe 31

I watched 20 seconds.

Turned on TV. Tom Hanks. Click.
Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe http://www.you-read-it-here-first.com on February 26, 2012 at 9:15 PM · Report this
Josh Bis 32
@29 Agreed. Streep was overdue and should've won for Adaptation. Even she seemed a little surprised to have won for a good performance in a bad movie.
Posted by Josh Bis http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Author.html?oid=3815563 on February 26, 2012 at 9:29 PM · Report this
Gern Blanston 33
You have to give it up for TJ Martin. He was raised in Seattle and attended WWU, and now he is an Oscar winner for his football documentary "The Undefeated."
Posted by Gern Blanston on February 26, 2012 at 11:02 PM · Report this
biju 34
I deserve an Oscar for sitting thru that piece of shit Hugo
Posted by biju on February 26, 2012 at 11:34 PM · Report this
Reverse Polarity 35
Billy Crystal was reliably, blandly, mildly amusing. In other words: safe. Which was what they needed after last year's clusterfuck with James Franco (and I say that as an adoring James Franco fan).

Chris Rock had the funniest line of the night, by far. He will probably never be invited back.

Meryl deserved the oscar. Yes, Iron Lady is a stupid movie, but she nevertheless nails the part with yet another amazing impersonation. Even in a shitty movie, she's an astounding actress. It was a tough call for this category. Glenn Close was also fantastic, as was Viola Davis (who probably would have won if there had been more than 3 black people in the voting academy). Rooney Mara was great too, but won't win an award for her part until the 3rd movie in the Dragon Tattoo series if she wins at all.

My biggest question: who knew Woody Allen is still making movies? Who goes to his movies anyway?
Posted by Reverse Polarity on February 26, 2012 at 11:39 PM · Report this
Knat 36
Oh, Undefeated, not The Undefeated. Okay, the Academy hasn't gone completely insane, then. I'll just put this bottle away, then.
Posted by Knat on February 27, 2012 at 2:22 AM · Report this
Gern Blanston 37
@36 Sorry, my bad. Hope it didn't cause too much mental anguish.
Posted by Gern Blanston on February 27, 2012 at 10:20 AM · Report this
Will in Seattle 38
Wasn't Billy one of the puppeteers in Dark Crystal?
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on February 27, 2012 at 10:59 AM · Report this
Will in Seattle 39
Streep's win was sadly expected. All in all, almost all of the winners really did deserve it.

Oh, and go see all the animated shorts, they were all good.
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on February 27, 2012 at 11:00 AM · Report this

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