SL Letter of the Day: Getting Your Girlfriend To Let You Go Down On Her—A Holistic Approach
by Dan Savage
on Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 12:59 PM
Just listened to the most recent podcast and thought I'd chime in about the guy whose girlfriend doesn't like it when he goes down on her.
For years, I was that girl. It took me a really long time to get in touch with my body sexually, so the first time my first boyfriend tried to go down on me, I didn't enjoy it at all. Part of the reason was that, as a horny teenage boy, there was a lot of pressure on his end for me to let him do it because it was something he really wanted to do and had fantasized about doing forever, blah blah blah. So I let him and it was awkward and I didn't enjoy it, which turned into a vicious cycle: he really wanted me to enjoy it so that he could enjoy it, and my ability to enjoy it got lower and lower as the performance anxiety ramped up. This ended up with me banning him and future boyfriends from ever going down on me and me convincing myself that I had some weird clitoral malfunction that prevented me from enjoying oral sex.
Enter my last boyfriend. He was super hot, super affectionate, super good in bed, and refreshingly communicative. The first time he tried to go down on me, I stopped him and told him not to, which he respected. Later, we talked about it, and I told him what had happened with my first boyfriend and how I just couldn't enjoy it. He suggested that we try it again, but with no pressure for me to enjoy it or get off or anything, and that I could tell him to stop any time I wanted. He said it was something he really enjoyed doing, but that he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable.
Well, after a few goes and a champion marathon effort on his part, it turns out that I can enjoy oral sex (a lot!), but that I need to be really turned on and with someone that I really trust and that I know will respect my boundaries (the biggest turnoff, as it turns out, was the pressure to enjoy it, which may be part of your caller's problem). Also, it CAN be really awkward. You're sort of hanging out way up at the top of the bed kind of left to your own devices with not a whole lot to do/see/touch while your guy is hanging out at the bottom of the bed doing his thing. My #1 recommendation to any couple having oral sex issues is to try 69, which removes a lot of the awkwardness that I first experienced, and also is pretty hot because you're able to do stuff for your guy while he's doing stuff for you. If that doesn't work, try different positions/locations/whatever. Oral sex in a bed lying on your back, in my experience, is not really the world's best position for enjoying it.