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Friday, June 1, 2012

Spiderman, Of Course, Would Be the World's Greatest Gay Bondage Top

Posted by on Fri, Jun 1, 2012 at 11:16 AM

But what does the newly gay Green Lantern bring to the table? I'm not familiar with Green Lantern's powers—I missed the recent movie, along with everyone else on earth—and I'm curious if Green Lantern's particular superpower(s) have any sexual applications.

 

Comments (41) RSS

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1
Since his power is will, and his will can create anything. Yes, I can see many applications. Racks, full suits, extensions, suspension (pain or no), bukkake guard, whatever lifts your luggage. However, Spiderman would obviously be very specialized... I'd say Green Lantern would be more generalist in terms of sexual innuendo and power use.
Posted by Shaman on June 1, 2012 at 11:19 AM · Report this
DeaconBlues 2
I'd just like to point out that Hal Jordan, the GL from the film, would be awful in bed.

Kyle Raynor, though. He's a sensitive artist.
Posted by DeaconBlues http://radzillas.blogspot.com/ on June 1, 2012 at 11:22 AM · Report this
3
This is actually a different sort of Green Lantern (Alan Scott) unrelated to the ones most people are familiar with. I believe his powers are magical rather than willpower-related. Also, this version exists in a different universe that has no bearing on the regular DC comics characters, so it's sort of a joke that DC tried to make a big deal about it being so progressive of them. The old character already had a gay son (now erased) before the reboot.
Posted by elyeasbane on June 1, 2012 at 11:26 AM · Report this
bleedingheartlibertarian 4
Green Lantern's power is fabulous jewelry.

I wish I was kidding.
Posted by bleedingheartlibertarian on June 1, 2012 at 11:26 AM · Report this
Puckerd Poop Chute 5
The original Green Langern's weakness was wood...seriously, wood!
Posted by Puckerd Poop Chute on June 1, 2012 at 11:26 AM · Report this
6
You think he could handle lighting for the disco?
Posted by Smartypants on June 1, 2012 at 11:30 AM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 7
As long as you have no problem with glowing green sex toys and apparatuses, the Green Lantern can make real anything he can see in his mind, baby.

As long as none of the participants are yellow, anyway.
Posted by Theodore Gorath on June 1, 2012 at 11:31 AM · Report this
rob! 8
But how will superheroes reproduce, if they all go gay?
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on June 1, 2012 at 11:33 AM · Report this
I Hate Screen Names 9
He has the power to create anything out of solid green light. Many in-continuity references state that his powers are limited only by his imagination.

Ahem.
Posted by I Hate Screen Names on June 1, 2012 at 11:50 AM · Report this
Fnarf 10
Top? TOP? Spiderman is 100% bottom. In the newspaper comic, at least, Mary Jane totally dominates Peter Parker in every way imaginable; the only thing our superhero ever tops is the TV remote, and that only when she's not home.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on June 1, 2012 at 11:56 AM · Report this
11
Just wondering if his power ring is santorum resistant....
Posted by Large Hardon Colluder on June 1, 2012 at 12:00 PM · Report this
12
@10 Oh, let Dan dream
Posted by Large Hardon Colluder on June 1, 2012 at 12:01 PM · Report this
Helix 13
He can create literally anything that he wants. So...a lot of sexual applications there, I think.
Posted by Helix on June 1, 2012 at 12:05 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 14
A gay Mr. Mxyzptlk would have been truly fascinating.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on June 1, 2012 at 12:09 PM · Report this
15
@14 He did have the fashion sense... I just kind of assumed Batmite and he were in a commited relationship.
Posted by Large Hardon Colluder on June 1, 2012 at 12:13 PM · Report this
Posted by maddogm13 on June 1, 2012 at 12:14 PM · Report this
Superfrankenstein 17
Did you ever see the original Alan Scott? No gay man I know would wear a *brown belt* with green pants, a red top, red boots and a purple cape!
Posted by Superfrankenstein http://twitter.com/TomPeyer on June 1, 2012 at 12:23 PM · Report this
seatackled 18
What? Alan Scott Green Lantern? Totally weak. It's like saying Batman is gay, but they make it the guy who took over as Batman when Bruce was recovering from his broken back.

Here's the Onion on the Green Lantern film:

http://www.theonion.com/video/green-lant…
Posted by seatackled on June 1, 2012 at 12:27 PM · Report this
19
@5: Really? I thought his weakness had always been the colour yellow? Which, well, is honestly much more ridiculous than wood if you ask me.
Posted by Friendstastegood on June 1, 2012 at 12:32 PM · Report this
COMTE 20
@19:

@5 is referring to the original "Golden Age" GL, Alan Scott, whose powers BTW also came from a magical source.

@3:

So DC's "Gay Superhero" is really just the 1940's-era GL?

In the words of Comic Book Guy: "Lamest retcon - EVER!"
Posted by COMTE on June 1, 2012 at 12:46 PM · Report this
21
Just google image search "Green Lantern" and "fist". You're welcome.
Posted by Schorschi on June 1, 2012 at 12:48 PM · Report this
22
@20 Well I thought that green lanterns weakness was also yellow, but then again I'm not a comic-nerd.

Either way it's such a cop-out, they said they were gonna have a major character come out of the closet, but they just recycled someone everyone has forgotten about...
Posted by Friendstastegood on June 1, 2012 at 12:50 PM · Report this
Posted by Schorschi on June 1, 2012 at 12:51 PM · Report this
zachd 24
So Jade and Obsidian are adopted?

@19: You're thinking of the current/JLA green lantern as opposed to the older/Alan Scott/JSA green lantern.
Posted by zachd http://zachd.com on June 1, 2012 at 1:02 PM · Report this
25
@7 - are you saying no Asians at the Green Lantern orgy? That seems a little bit racist.
Posted by Smartypants on June 1, 2012 at 1:24 PM · Report this
26
Alan Scott is the golden age/original Green Lantern. His powers are magic-based, and his ring doesn't work on wood.

The Green Lantern most folks are familiar with is the silver age (or later) version, usually either Hal Jordan or Kyle Rayner. They are both members of the Green Lantern Corps, a sort of space police force that is more-or-less unrelated to Alan Scott. Their rings are technology-based, and (for the most part) don't work on the color yellow.

Additionally, the (now) gay Alan Scott is actually Alan Scott from Earth-2, an alternate universe. So after a big to-do about how they were going to make one of their big characters gay, they picked an alternate universe version of the obscure first iteration of one of their lesser-known heroes.

And Spider-man has a hyphen in it. Yes, I am a pedantic nerd.
Posted by Ben on June 1, 2012 at 1:37 PM · Report this
Joe Szilagyi 27
This would be, on the scale of gives-a-fuck, as if the National Organization for Marriage announcing that one of their hourly employees is gay, to demonstrate some random point in the scale of things. No one aside from die hard nerds care about Alan Scott, at all. They roll him out occasionally for this story or that story and do the "he's one of the most respected people in the world, even Superman looks up to him!" thing when they pull him out for a big story. So, a hero's hero. But it's not like anyone under the age of 30 has a clue who he is for the most part.

My reaction when this got leaked a week or two ago that it was him was a massive whoopty-do.

And yes, he can make any solid thing he wants out of "solid green light" that he can imagine, as long as his willpower doesn't give out. In theory everything from a finger to a toy to a giant fist to literally punch the moon out of orbit. The bigger and more audacious, the more willpower. In practice there are in DC comics literally thousands of Green Lanterns or people with "Lantern style powers". Anyway, in practice if you or I had this ring, we'd be hard pressed to create more than say a few fake M&Ms. The strongest willed people on Earth? Like the actual super heroes and villains?

Car size, building size things. They could make a giant 200 foot tall green Mike McGinn to pick up the Space Needle and through it in the bay like a javelin. Stuff like that. In the more ridiculous comics one character in particular does truly mental things like hold the moon literally in his giant green hands, and at one point creates a big green complex machine the size of multiple solar systems.
Posted by Joe Szilagyi http://twitter.com/joeszi on June 1, 2012 at 1:59 PM · Report this
DeaconBlues 28
Point of order: Alan Scott's powers came from a magical source but do all the same damn stuff that GL Corps rings do. Post-starheat Alan Scott was arguably more powerful than most Corps lanterns, in fact (but that's kind of irrelevant since we're talking about how this shit is applied to GAY SEX).
Posted by DeaconBlues http://radzillas.blogspot.com/ on June 1, 2012 at 2:24 PM · Report this
seandr 29
Green Lantern? He casts a greenish glow, I believe.
Posted by seandr on June 1, 2012 at 2:56 PM · Report this
30
I'm just going to point out that orgasm might break his concentration and dissolve his constructs. On the other hand, Hal Jordan apparently once maintained a force field long enough to bone Power Girl to completion in the middle of a battlefield. So it's not definite.
Posted by Shrieky on June 1, 2012 at 2:59 PM · Report this
31
Well, for the record, Alan Scott might not be famous now, but he has a very long tradition of representing minorities in comics, as he was, as far as I know, the only left-handed superhero ever. He wore his ring on his left hand, which righties do, but he also punched with his left. I know it's not much, but when I was a kid it meant a lot to me.
Posted by Puschkin on June 1, 2012 at 3:09 PM · Report this
COMTE 32
@22:

I understand your confusion. The original 1940's GL's ring would not work against wood. The "Silver Age" GL's (Hal Jordan) of the late-1950's-to-today (having died, been reborn, turned into another DC superhero altogether, before once again becoming a GL - it's very complicated) originally wouldn't work against anything colored yellow.

Over the years, others have taken on the GL persona as well (Guy Gardner, John Stewart, Kyle Rayner) which, along with DC's tendency to continually revive characters or re-assign their personas to others, eventually created so many continuity paradoxes that they eventually had to wipe the whole slate clean with their "Crisis On Infinite Earth" series in the mid-1980's.

And that's a whole 'nuther barrel of nerd-fish to fry...
Posted by COMTE on June 1, 2012 at 3:11 PM · Report this
33
@10

How are you even able to gather any information from the newspaper comic? It is legendarily content free. In college (25 years ago) when Stan Lee was not only in charge, but had very little else to do, a friend of mine took to posting all the comics on his dorm door just to illustrate how nothing happened.

In a section of door that was about 2 feet by 3 feet, not only did Spiderman never leave the room he was in, he was still in the same conversation. Watching grass grow is infinitely more satisfying than reading the Spiderman daily comic. Grass actually does grow, and there are exciting bugs and stuff to see. Unlike the total lack of exciting bug action in the Spiderman comic.
Posted by Learned Hand on June 1, 2012 at 4:09 PM · Report this
34
@4, no joke. It was major for me to discover pretending to be Green Lantern let me wear a huge ring.

@10, the trouble is that after seeing Andrew Garfield for the first time doing staggering work in the magnificent Red Riding 1974 I developed a keen interest in being ravaged by him. Few men inspire that particular wish in me, but when it does occur it hits like a storm. Accordingly, since he is the new Spider-man, Spidey is now a top. Ipso fucktoe.
Posted by gloomy gus on June 1, 2012 at 4:15 PM · Report this
35
i know this post is just harmless fun, but why does he have to have special sex powers just because he's a GAY superhero? can't he simply be a superhero that possess powers that aid in his crime fighting? is it necessary for my gay doctor to have blowjob super powers to address my medical needs?
Posted by legacy builder on June 1, 2012 at 6:35 PM · Report this
rob! 36
@35, I watch a lot of porn, so I can say with some confidence that the answer to your third question is "yes."

Not sure about the other two.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on June 1, 2012 at 7:10 PM · Report this
37
@32 Well, most of that I knew actually, thanks to Bob "Moviebob" Chipman and his "the Big Picture" episodes about the Green Lantern. But I've forgotten a lot of it too.
Posted by Friendstastegood on June 2, 2012 at 6:59 AM · Report this
38
Oh,come on, that is so obvious it has to be wrong! Peter Parker AKA "Spiderman" would be much more likely to secret crave being tied up. Duh!
Posted by LML on June 2, 2012 at 7:22 AM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 39
Spiderman?
Not only a bondage bottom, but also into mummification.

Not that I care about ANY of them.
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on June 2, 2012 at 9:38 AM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 40
And, by "them", I meant so-called superheroes. ::shrugs::
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on June 2, 2012 at 9:40 AM · Report this
41
Personally, I'd much rather be strung up by Batman.
Posted by papercrane on June 3, 2012 at 9:40 PM · Report this

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