by Dan Savage
on Fri, Jun 8, 2012 at 3:01 PM
So I'm a 22-year-old woman who is in love with my fiancé. He's a great man, awesome dad, brilliant, intelligent, handsome, all my friends want him. The problem: He doesn't get me to have an orgasm. We have sex about once or twice a week and when he's done climaxing I get out my vibrator and he licks my nipples and that gets me off. The ten times I've come while we were making love during the four years we've been together were the most amazing feelings I've ever felt. I dated one guy before him and I always had an orgasm with him so it's frustrating that I can't have one with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because of this, sex is something I'd rather not do with him because I know I'm not gonna get pleasure out of it. I love him very much so I fake orgasm with him because I don't want to hurt him. I've talked to him about it and instead of coming up with solutions and doing them, he gets hurt and I feels guilty and I let it go. Please help us. I want to make love to my fiance and enjoy the aftermath.
What Happened Around Arousal
My response after the jump...
Different people's bodies fit together in different ways, WHAA.
With your previous boyfriend—your only other sex partner—your bodies fit together perfectly and you got off every time. That wasn't skill, WHAA, that was luck. With your ex you were getting just the kind of direct, intense clitoral stimulation you needed to climax during sex. You got it without having to talk about it or work on it. Things are different with your current sex partner—things are more typical—and you're going to have to talk about sex and communicate with each other and experiment until you find the combo of positions, intensities, speeds, toys, etc., that make it possible for you to get off during sex with him.
Basically, WHAA, you gotta switch things up—you gotta try different positions, you gotta find new grinds, you might even need to bust out your vibrator and use it while he's fucking you (not just after)—until you discover the positions, acts, and combos that work for you two.
But you're not going to be able to do that until your fiance stops pouting when you give him feedback, WHAA, and he's not going to stop pouting until the pouting stops working. So long as you allow him to manipulate you with those sad faces—"he gets hurt and I feel guilty and I let it go"—he'll keep it up. So no more faking orgasm, WHAA, and no more dropping the subject when he sticks out his lower lip. Tell him you're going to start mixing it up and trying new things until you discover what works for you two.