by Dan Savage
on Mon, Jun 18, 2012 at 10:08 AM
I've been saying it for years: don't take sex advice from Cosmo. Now Ben Reininga has rounded up some of Cosmo's worst sex tips in a hilarious piece for Nerve. Slathering "your man" with sweet and syrupy crap is a reoccurring theme:
"Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."
"Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple," and ask your man to lick it off."
“Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body."
"Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess."
Cosmo has never heard of a sex act—and it's clear that sex is something they've only ever heard about—that couldn't be improved by rolling the dessert cart up to the bed. A reader reminds me that Cosmo once urged their readers to slide a glazed donut onto "your big man's little man." Because, hey, your man would much rather watch you eat another donut than eat his dick.