by Dan Savage
on Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 5:10 PM
An issue has come up between my boyfriend and I, and I'm hoping you can shed some light on things for me.
I'd like to preface things by saying that, nearly without failure, we have great sex—and usually more than once per day. That's never been a problem. I feel, though, that my boyfriend is being unreasonable about blowjobs and my lack of desire to swallow after he comes. It's not like I'm depriving him of some huge fantasy. The "problem" is that I swallowed after blowjobs with a guy I was previously in a relationship with, discovered I really don't like it, and haven't wanted to do it since. My boyfriend says, essentially, that it's not fair that I did something sexual with another guy that I won't do with him. He says it's unacceptable, and that he expects me to do it now just because I did it before, whether or not I like it.
I feel like this isn't even something he really cares about all that much, sexually-speaking, it's just a point he needs to prove. I've tried to explain that I just flat-out don't like swallowing, that it's got nothing to do with him personally, but he won't budge. Basically, it seems like this some sort of control issue for him; being ordered to swallow seems like it crosses the GGG line.
What's your impression?
Enjoys Blowjobs, Not Swallowing
My response after the jump...
My first impression: your boyfriend is a jealous, insecure, controlling asshole, ENBS... an asshole with whom you have great sex, great sex this asshole doesn't deserve, at least once a day.
Backing up: I've written before—it's out there somewhere—that oral comes standard, that any model that doesn't come with oral should be returned to the lot, etc. (Let the record show: my oral-comes-standard ruling has always applied equally to both sexes.) But I've said that swallowing is extra credit. Because, technically speaking, swallowing happens after the blowjob is over. Yes, yes: it happens almost immediately after the blow job. But as swallowing happens after the blowee comes, the blower has finished the job. Now some people regard swallowing as highly erotic and deeply meaningful and blah blah transcendent connection blah or blah blah demeaning hotness blah. But I don't think a blowee—particularly one who has been blown to completion—is in any position to complain about how the blower opts to dispose of his come. Swallow, spit, let it run out the corners of the mouth: so long as the blower doesn't make a Mr. Yuck face, run to the toilet, and noisily spit the blowee's load into the sink—that's a load he dropped in your mouth, blower, not a turd—the blowjob is over and the blowee's work is done.
But reasonable blowjob expectations and proper post-blowjob load disposal aren't what at issue here, EBNS. The issue is your boyfriend's obsession with the blowjobs you gave your ex.
Let's cut to the chase: You're under no obligation to do anything and everything you've done with and for past sex partners for your current boyfriend. Period. The End. Insisting that you have to swallow his loads—bullying you into swallowing his loads—because you swallowed your ex's loads reveals something so deeply unattractive about your current boyfriend that it looks like a DTMFA-level offense from where I'm typing. You're right, EBNS, on some level this is about control. But on a deeper, creepier level it's about ownership. Your boyfriend can't stand the idea that some other guy "had" his girlfriend in a way that he can't, EBNS, so if you don't swallow his loads then he doesn't "have" his girlfriend—he doesn't own his girlfriend—they way he believes a boyfriend should.
Here's how you shut this sexist, demeaning, controlling bullshit down: tell your boyfriend that his expectations are unacceptable. Then tell him he has a choice to make: blowjobs without swallowing—and without him being a dick about it—or no blowjobs at all. If he whines that you swallowed for your ex, point out to him that, sure, you swallowed for your ex. And you've swallowed for him too. But as you're not still swallowing for your ex-boyfriend there's really no good reason you should have to go on swallowing for current boyfriend.
And ask him if the reverse is true: is your boyfriend obligated to do everything he's ever done for some other girl for you? Even if it was something he tried once and didn't enjoy? And what about things you've done with your past boyfriends that you enjoyed but that your current boyfriend doesn't? Does he have to do those things?
Okay, now I'm rambling—because I'm annoyed. And I've had a beer. Going to post this now, close my computer, and swallow another beer.