Today in big douches: Romney asks Florida's governor to simmer down about economic improvements his state has seen. Why? "because they clash with the presumptive Republican nominee’s message that the nation is suffering under President Barack Obama."

Throw away the key: Jerry Sandusky was found guilty of 45 counts of sexual abuse. Here's hoping he gets 4,523,879 years in prison.

Part mayor, part superhero: Newark Mayor (and Paul Constant's love interest) Cory Booker again races to the scene of an accident, only to find he's been bested by a cop. Drat!!

Payback of the day: Lady throws down with TSA agents in grope-off at airport security, gets arrested.

Guns don't kill people, but wildfires might! Target shooters set off a big wildfire in Utah. Of course, "(Governor) Herbert called on shooters to self-regulate, since legislation bars sheriffs from banning firearms." This looks like a classic case of freedom to shoot dry grass vs. freedom to not have your house burned.

Traffic in Seattle: It's gonna be all fucked up because of runners and queers.

Syria violence is scary: Now, they shot a turkey! Turkish fighter jet. Things are so screwey that Iraq is frightened. IRAQ. That place we said was the worst place in the world...is scared.

Probably Unconstitutional: Saving the lives of 72 Americans who will die today because they lack health insurance. USA! USA!

EDITED: Since a startled dog is more offensive than a potential genocide, bad traffic, child molesters, dying poor people, and political corruption COMBINED, the video is down. Cen-sor-ship! Cen-sor-ship!

Thanks to some of the more colorful comments:

Tomorrow's video will be as unoffensive as possible - got ideas? Send them to newsintern@thestranger.com