SL Letter of the Day: Not Much To Say About This
by Dan Savage
on Mon, Jul 2, 2012 at 1:46 PM
I am a 27-year-old straight female, I'm GGG, and I have been living with my boyfriend for almost two years. I recently began to accept porn as a normal and very enjoyable thing; I used to enjoy it with partners and on my own, but the aftermath of abusive relationships and control issues stemming from my upbringing interfered and I became your stereotypical "controlling" girlfriend. I have since learned how to better deal with those issues and am on the road to a freer, more liberated sex life and a better understanding of how someone you are intimate with can have a private erotic inner life.
However, I still have a boundary about something: strip clubs. My sister was a dancer for years and although I am sexually liberal I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of my partner viewing other naked women. (That was my SISTER!) The only thing I can compare it to is showing my tits, pussy, and asshole to other men, which is not something my boyfriend would want me to do. I support sex workers and feel that prostitution should be legal so as to increase the safety of workers. But I have this one boundary. When I told my boyfriend about it in the beginning of our relationship he informed me that strip clubs were not important to him and he had no problem respecting my boundary. I should mention here that I never said "you can" or "you can't," but rather "this is how I feel."
I am fortunate to have a loving man. We are honest, we communicate, and he fully validates and respects how I feel. And here's the clincher: I feel guilty that he respects me in this way! I feel like that stereotypical-harpy-controlling-cunt girlfriend who "has her man on a leash." I have been majorly put down by men in my past including their friends who were very chauvinistic and sexist. However, I DID have issues of control in the past that I have since reprimanded into patterns of healthier thinking. Perhaps I am overly self-critical but I end up feeling like that type of girlfriend nobody wants or wants to be. How do I let this go? And is this a healthy boundary? Like I said, we enjoy porn, we explore each others desires, we communicate well, and we don't guilt-trip, blame, or intentionally hurt each other. Am I just being neurotic? Is there a right or wrong in this matter or is it up to the couple what is healthy for THEM and fuck what other people think?