Slog Music

Music, Nightlife,
and Drinks

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Foreplay for Assholes

Posted by on Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 5:41 PM

Does a quickie include foreplay?

My current lover (picture enclosed so you can see why I keep having sex with him) insists that a quickie means he gets to stick his dick in me with no foreplay. I define a quickie as a sped-up version of sex that does include some foreplay for me, at least so I don't bleed or tear, which has been an issue for me in the past, and so that I get some pleasure from the encounter. I'm a typical woman in that I can't come through vaginal intercourse. I have had orgasms before, exclusively with my ex through manual stimulation or a vibrator, but not with this guy, and particularly with no foreplay. Oh, and this asshole keeps remarking that women are broken because we can't come through intercourse, and that I should take it up with God when I get to heaven. Even during sessions where we have a bit of time, he doesn't really care if I orgasm or not. He has gone down on me for an extended time (maybe 10 minutes) only once, and during that session he still stopped before I came. Usually I have to grab a vibrator and use it on myself to come after he is done. I know I need to DTMFA, but can you settle this question on whether or not a quickie includes foreplay?

Frustrated From No Foreplay


Yes, FFNF, a quickie includes some quick foreplay—if one or both parties requires foreplay. And... wow. Can I post this picture? That okay with him? Even if I'm going to call the guy a dick and advise you to DTMFA?—Dan


Yes! He's here now, LOL. I asked him and he said it's OK to post the pic.—FFNF



Daaaaaaaamn. I hope he doesn't beat me up for telling you to dump him. And I kinda hope he does.—Dan


He doesn't have enough gas in his gas tank to get to where you are. I know I deserve a partner who cares about me and my pleasure. Everyone that I've told about him—my family, my friends, my neighbors—has told me to dump him. And I've half-heartedly dumped him a few times. I just need to be serious about it this time. Thanks for your response. I'm a regular reader, I've read all your columns in your online archive, I watched Savage U, and I listen to the podcast. Thanks for giving me the knowledge and the power to know that sex is supposed to feel good, and to ask for what I need (even if I'm currently with an asshole who ignores my requests).—FFNF


There's just one way this could work out, FFNF. And by "this could work out" I do not mean, "This could turn into a successful and loving LTR!" What I mean is, "This could be a mutually-beneficial, short-term, just-for-fun, and-oh-my-god-just-look-at-those-tits FWB arrangement". Here's how it could work out: If you can get this selfish asshole to eroticize his asshole selfishness—along with his inconsideration and sexism—you could keep fucking him for a few more months. Don't get me wrong: you have to dump this guy. Once again: this guy is an asshole, you should've listened to your friends and family and dumped him months ago, but...

There's something sexy about being treated like a piece of meat by a hot, sexy, gorgeous asshole. If it turns you on to be used the way this guy uses you—if you enjoy being used like that by a man with a body like like that—then set conditions that incorporate his selfishness and your self-abasement into the sex. It would look like this: he gives you a little notice when he wants a quickie—or any sex—so that you have time to haul out the vibrator and get yourself off once or twice before he's inside you. He doesn't want to perform foreplay, you don't want to tear or bleed. So when he wants some he sends you a text to let you know he's on his way over or, if he's with you, he tells you to go masturbate. Then you'll be good and lubricated and ready to fuck. Since you're already getting yourself off after you fuck, FFNF, you shouldn't by shy about getting yourself off before you fuck. And you're likelier to come when he's fucking you if you already came once or twice before he started fucking you.

If he's unwilling to do this—if he's unwilling to give you the head start you need so you don't tear and bleed—then you're not dealing with a sexist & sexy asshole here, FFNF, you're dealing with a sexist & sexy sociopath, e.g. he's not hurting you because he's lazy and inconsiderate, he's hurting you because it turns him on to hurt you and he figures he can get away with it because he's hot. If that's the case, FFNF, dump him immediately.—Dan


Comments (109) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
His body makes me want to puke.
Posted by Emmmm on July 10, 2012 at 6:00 PM · Report this
It might actually be good for this guy if she dumps him, if it helps him realize that having an amazing body isn't enough--you also have to treat your partner with respect.
Posted by Doofus2 on July 10, 2012 at 6:05 PM · Report this
Jesus! What a specimen. But yes, dump him.
Posted by Xincognito on July 10, 2012 at 6:05 PM · Report this
samanthaf63 4
I've had some experience with something that looked like that. Interesting for a moment. Give me the less hot but more passionate brainiac, even if he doesn't have pecs of steel and a turtle belly.
Posted by samanthaf63 on July 10, 2012 at 6:06 PM · Report this
nocutename 5
Dan, I get that you're momentarily rendered stupid by lust, but really? You find some way she can keep letting this man get away with incredibly selfish, inconsiderate behavior?
Take his photo home, have at it, and after the mist clears, apologize to FFNF!

He's a well-built dick, FFNF, and you deserve better. You deserve someone who cares whether you come or not. Or at least whether you're aroused or not. Since like usually gravitates to like looks-wise, I assume you are equally hot, so don't waste your time on this jerk one more minute.

And if there's a *significant* imbalance in your looks . . . how to put this . . . maybe he's been rejected by women who would settle with this nonsense.
DTFMN: Dump the Motherfucker NOW.
Posted by nocutename on July 10, 2012 at 6:10 PM · Report this
This guy is twelve kinds of asshole. I'd be tempted to pull myself off him/out from under him well before he comes, and walk the fuck away - see ya later, pal - seeing as his gf coming is SUCH an unimportant, trivial little detail - give him a taste for what that feels like! Fucking and then *not* coming! Seriously. Then when he bitches and whines, tell him you promise to let him come with the next quickie ... and then do the whole thing all over again.

Posted by Velvetbabe on July 10, 2012 at 6:13 PM · Report this
I rather suspect the "supplements" with which he "augments" his training have waxed his brain to match his torso. Musclebound Clown is just the aptest term sometimes.
Posted by gloomy gus on July 10, 2012 at 6:14 PM · Report this
nice moles.
Posted by paulus on July 10, 2012 at 6:17 PM · Report this
Lady, you are entitled to fuck who you want, when you want for however long you want. Enjoy it as best you can.

But do not (and I do mean this in the meanest possible way) waste the time of your "family ... friends [and] neighbors" talking about this guy. Trust me on this: there are few things more annoying than somebody you know and give a shit about talking about their problem relationship when they won't address the problem. Your only decent choices are shut up and fuck him or shut up and dump him. Or, if you insist, do continue to babble on about it, and perhaps somebody will find a big fluffy pillow to shut you the hell up.

Posted by seeker6079 on July 10, 2012 at 6:18 PM · Report this
Guess he doesn't have the time to be a good lover, as he's spending it all at the gym.

Please don't feed the narcissist's ego. Dump him wholeheartedly! You deserve better.
Posted by LiveAndLet on July 10, 2012 at 6:19 PM · Report this
Posted by KarenF. on July 10, 2012 at 6:23 PM · Report this
Also, the thing about beauty, to me, is that it's exponentially negated by the person's self obsesssion and self knowledge in this area, AND their subsequent milking of same for all it nets them. That's what this photo says to me - the asshole has clearly taken his own pic here, and you just know without any doubt he's thinking ... fuck, I am one seering hot motherfucker - who doesn't want a piece of this?? Holy CHRIST, what a turnoff.
Posted by Velvetbabe on July 10, 2012 at 6:24 PM · Report this
Sargon Bighorn 13
What a pack of sexist pigs you all are. A tall lovely woman can demand anything she wants from a guy and that's considered acceptable. A guy with a nice body because he hits the gym is all of a sudden a shallow idiot for playing the same game.

As Mr Savage suggests, everyone loves a "bad boy" or "bad girl" as long as they are hot.
Posted by Sargon Bighorn on July 10, 2012 at 6:24 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 14
I'm with @5. Dan would never have written that advice if she hadn't emailed his pic.
Posted by Matt from Denver on July 10, 2012 at 6:30 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 15
@ 13, speak for yourself. A tall, lovely woman who makes unfair demands of me is a tall, lovely woman who's getting dumped by me. Let's machine gun ALL bad boys and girls STARTING with the most beautiful.
Posted by Matt from Denver on July 10, 2012 at 6:33 PM · Report this
biffp 16
She's perfectly aware of the deal. I don't understand what her question is. Either she wants to continue or not. Maybe she doesn't feel like she can get one, but I happen to know that similar bodies come in versions that include personality, foreplay and giving head.
Posted by biffp on July 10, 2012 at 6:33 PM · Report this
nocutename 17
@13: This has nothing to do with sexism, though generally, physiology being what it is, the female/male corollary wouldn't be that she doesn't care that he can't/doesn't get a chance to come; the female/male corollary is that the gorgeous hot girl uses the man by letting him buy things for her, by taking her out, and then doesn't have sex with him--again and again, teasing him by suggesting that she will sleep with him.

And I'd call her on it every bit as much.

P.S. A "bad boy" in a sexual context typically is someone who's very, very good in bed--but a total jerk outside of the bedroom. This guy is anything but the stereotypical "bad boy."

He's just a narcissistic, selfish, entitled, misogynist asshat.
Posted by nocutename on July 10, 2012 at 6:34 PM · Report this
Jesus, that torso is UNREAL.
Posted by floater on July 10, 2012 at 6:41 PM · Report this
@13. Absolutely not 'everyone'. A majority of single men for certain, and a majority of single women probably--but far from everyone.

But the basic point that beauty has power, and as beauty becomes more jaw-dropping the greater the power--sure. It certainly rendered Dan into a bit of a blithering mess, grasping for a rationalization for the LW to continue fucking that asshole with the pecs for a few more months.
Posted by Functional Atheist on July 10, 2012 at 6:41 PM · Report this
Some of the worst sex I ever had was with a guy with a body just like that- even with a thick, perfect 8 inch cock attached to one of the hottest bodies I have ever seen (I still have his pics, haha!), the sex ranged from mediocre to terrible jackhammer fucking. He got himself off and then I would have to get myself to the finish line after he rolled over and started snoring. Plus he was really aggressive and a huge asshole. Even getting turned on by the idea of being used by a hot guy can't redeem bad sex. Much better to find an average/cute guy who is willing to put in the effort. My best sex btw was with a Ron Jeremy type (hairy back and everything!) with a really big dick :) I came so hard with him inside me and I didn't have to touch my clit to do it.
Posted by I <3 Ron Jeremy on July 10, 2012 at 6:43 PM · Report this
Gou Tongzhi 21
This women is a self-loathing moron. Drop the guy with huge tits and find someone who will (a) eat you out (b) Not make you feel like you're "broken" and (c) not be the world's biggest seeping quasar of douchery. CHRIST. Who gives a shit about his abs if he's not FULFILLING YOUR NEEDS, idiot?!
Posted by Gou Tongzhi on July 10, 2012 at 6:46 PM · Report this
Soupytwist 22
Since when is 10 minutes considered "extended" anything?
Posted by Soupytwist on July 10, 2012 at 6:49 PM · Report this
metardtard 23
Posted by metardtard on July 10, 2012 at 6:50 PM · Report this
@5, thank you, but I'd say I'm more of his physical opposite. A nerd with an average American build. I've kind of thought it's more like what Dan talked about with one relationship he was in, where the guy was abusive but really hot - "I'll never be with anyone this hot again." It's flattering when someone that you think is very attractive is attractive to you, particularly if you think you're average.

Dan, I didn't think to mention this, but a few days ago I told him he needs to tell me when he wants a quickie. I've been using that to say no, that's not what I'm in the mood for. I didn't think about trying to get myself off first. I may try that if I decide that I'm going to sleep with him again.
Posted by FFNF on July 10, 2012 at 6:51 PM · Report this
I'm confused. Is he doing anal on you with no prep at all? That's an asshole move that would easily lead to bleeding and tearing. But for PIV to lead to bleeding and tearing... even with no foreplay... That's unusual. Can you put a bunch of lube on the condom, to help with the entry?
Posted by EricaP on July 10, 2012 at 6:56 PM · Report this
My first thought when I saw the picture was 'nice tits' and then I saw the moles on his neck. They look suspicious, dump the inconsiderate fuckwad, but encourage him to have that shit checked.

I do agree with Dan--if she's getting herself off after the fact, there's no reason not to get herself off before Mr. Look at My Dick (it looks as though he's pulling his tighty blues down with the hand that isn't holding the phone) gets to insert the dick, which I am certain is just as nice to look at as the rest of him, but hopefully doesn't have any moles.

Posted by catballou on July 10, 2012 at 6:57 PM · Report this
Knat 27
@22: That's what jumped out at me too.
Posted by Knat on July 10, 2012 at 7:03 PM · Report this
Tim Horton 28
I am discouraged by the idea a hairless chest is considered uber-hot now. Do most women really prefer this waxed and buff look?
Posted by Tim Horton on July 10, 2012 at 7:07 PM · Report this
biffp 29
Speaking of jackhammering, love this:…
Posted by biffp on July 10, 2012 at 7:08 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 30
@ 24/LW - sure, he's got a workout body, & it's nice to play with that many muscles. But I disagree w/ Dan's advice. If the sex was *great*, but he was being a schmuck, yeah, sure, keep bouncin' on that for awhile, have fun. But as an average-lookin', chubby geek girl type who once dated similarly muscled Adonis type..he wasn't that great. He was mesmerizing to look at, & look at him I did. But of all my exes he was low on the chemistry/sex list. Hang on to the pictures as a trophy. but Not seeing a need to hang on to the guy himself. He clearly doesn't think highly of you. & the sort of scenario Dan describes - on purpose bein' used scene -is better (IMO) w/ either a more established couple, or some situation where there isn't already a lack of care about whether yer having fun, or not. Anyone who told me women are broken for not getting off from intercourse - though sometimes we do! - would not be getting a return visit to the bedroom.

TL:DR - this isn't the sex you'll remember later. Stop returning his calls. If you gotta ride the pony one more time, make him want you more before you do it.

& Dan..if I ever need a letter answered, gonna find some gym bunny to flex his chest for me & make sure I get a good picture. :P
Posted by Eva Hopkins on July 10, 2012 at 7:09 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 31
Also, not a fan of shaved tummies. Bleah.
Posted by Eva Hopkins on July 10, 2012 at 7:10 PM · Report this
@25, I explained GGG to him today when I told him I was writing to Dan. While he fails on giving, he accused me of failing on being game. I won't let him do anal on me, because if I get no foreplay with regular PIV sex and my vagina is already open, there's no way he'd ever spend the recommended time to get me ready for anal.

I think I'm having issues with vaginal dryness, so I've insisted on using lube before penetration, and I've been using some overnight vaginal suppositories to help with the dryness. They have worked, I haven't had any bleeding since I started using the suppositories.

@26, this is an older picture and he's had the moles removed. None on his cock!
Posted by FFNF on July 10, 2012 at 7:10 PM · Report this
Posted by hereiswheremynamegoes on July 10, 2012 at 7:12 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 34
@ 32: also, no orgasms for you, but he wants anal? Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahha. *stops, breathes* hahahahahaha.

Oh HELLS NO. That's like, advanced ninja shit that you graduate to when you're already good at traditional PIV sex. & he's not good at it. If he's willing to *get* good at it, & you wanna, then maybe. Why reward his bad behavior with even more than he's already getting?
Posted by Eva Hopkins on July 10, 2012 at 7:12 PM · Report this
The whole point of fucking someone with a body like that is to have an ORGASM. You're not getting that. Pretty only goes so far and his attitude is SO ugly. DTMFA. You have a picture, now go find somebody that can make you come.
Posted by percysowner on July 10, 2012 at 7:19 PM · Report this
@34, perfect! @32, is it possible your vaginal dryness is trying to tell you something?
Posted by gloomy gus on July 10, 2012 at 7:21 PM · Report this
@32 glad to hear that you've had better luck recently.
Posted by EricaP on July 10, 2012 at 7:21 PM · Report this
FFNF~ even if you think this guy looks hot (I sure don't!) that isn't enough for good sex. Chances are you are not having issues with "vaginal dryness"... you just aren't getting turned on. You can find someone better, someone that can turn you on quickly for those quickies.
Posted by onyx on July 10, 2012 at 7:22 PM · Report this
@28 I can only speak for myself, but I like softer, bearish types. I like taut and hairless too, but it's not a requirement. The dude in that picture, however, does nothing for me. Does that make me a freak?
Posted by nokidsandthreemoney on July 10, 2012 at 7:52 PM · Report this
If she dumps him, she gets to keep the photos, right?

And imagine how great it'll make her next boyfriend feel to know he's better at sex than someone who looks like *that*??
Posted by EclecticEel on July 10, 2012 at 7:53 PM · Report this
That kind of picture can be deceiving. He's obviously got lots of muscle tone, great. How does it look in the whole picture? Is he tall or short? (Both can look great with a muscled body, in proportion) Is his face ugly or beautiful or somewhere in between? Is his penis small or skinny or long or girthy? Are the moles on his neck cancerous? Are the blue shorts fashionable? Is he always this fit or is he just in a triathlan this year?
There are tons of guys who look like this, in real life, and in pictures. It's not that unusual. Definitely not so unusual that anyone should sacrifice their own pleasure and dignity for the sake of well-shaped pecs.
I'm just saying, jeez, Dan, c'mon.
I dare you to post a set of tits with the same kind of story, reversed. "She's a total inconsiderate bitch, but LOOK AT THOSE TITS!"
Posted by secretchord on July 10, 2012 at 8:01 PM · Report this
He spends all that time in the gym and but he hasn't got time for foreplay?
Posted by DRF on July 10, 2012 at 8:02 PM · Report this
Ah, well, now we know exactly how hot a guy has to be to short circuit Dan Savage's advice lobe.
Posted by sarahbear on July 10, 2012 at 8:09 PM · Report this
It seems to me that she is enjoying this. Telling everyone he sucks in bed. Asking gleefully if he minds his picture posted on line. If she truly just likes this game, then thanks for the picture and can we please move on? And if she truly is so miserable, thanks for the picture and SHE needs to move on.
Posted by kataan on July 10, 2012 at 8:16 PM · Report this
Am I the only straight woman who does not find anything remotely sexy about a hairless Chippendales dancer? Yuck!
Posted by salamander88 on July 10, 2012 at 8:26 PM · Report this
Not all women, or even men, find that guy's physique hot. I, for one, don't find this guy's chest and torso appealing in the slightest (and what are those creepy black mole-things on the side of his neck?)

But all women need lubrication for comfortable fucking. Even those of us who are super turned on don't necessarily lubricate enough naturally, and need a little help. A good, Silicone lube with no more than 5 ingredients is your best bet.
Posted by ignatz ratzkywatzky on July 10, 2012 at 8:47 PM · Report this
Please don't paint all women with your 'typical' brush. Some of us have great orgasms through vaginal sex.
Posted by Try harder on July 10, 2012 at 8:52 PM · Report this
Thanks for including the photo. There you have it ladies: you can have a guy with a fabulous body which is only useful for tearing up your poor ladyparts, and whose mouth doesn't seem like its of much use for anything (sexual or otherwise) either. Or, you can put away your Ken doll and find someone who actually gives a shit about your needs (and who may or may not have a fantastic body, but statistically speaking, probably won't).

I sincerely hope FFNM is in her early 20s, because there's no excuse for fully grown woman to put up with that crap. I mean, a vapid jerk with a great body who is good in the sack? Okay. But what is she getting out of this relationship other than STDs?
Posted by madcap on July 10, 2012 at 9:28 PM · Report this
God damn dump this fucker. I'm a guy, I've had abs that looked pretty fucking hot in their time. And I love getting women off. LOVE it. Tongue, vibrator, whatever. And from experience, sometime hot girls are great in bed, sometimes ugly girls are better. There ain't no rules. Some really ugly chicks have made me come like a freight train. If you have to fuck for beauty for some inane reason, and least find a beauty that fucks like a champ. For fuck sake.
Posted by Elicious on July 10, 2012 at 9:28 PM · Report this
@41 to be fair, men are more likely to enjoy the sex with a woman based on her looks alone (whether their interested in anything else is another question). Not that the converse can't be true, but it's obviously not in this case.

Of course, I'm only speaking of heterosexuals here, as I have no insight into the other combinations.
Posted by madcap on July 10, 2012 at 9:34 PM · Report this
@32 Dan always qualifies the game portion of GGG, but saying that it means game for anything within reason. Dry anal sex without any foreplay is not within reason. He's just a selfish asshole trying to make excuses for himself. Stop falling for it.

Also, although it's true that many women have vaginal dryness regardless of arousal, I'd be willing to bet that in your case it's just cause the sex is awful so you're not turned on.

Ignore Dan's last bit of advice (he was probably just blinded by lust for that guy's abs) and DTMFA.
Posted by margots on July 10, 2012 at 10:00 PM · Report this
Looking For a Better Read 52
I like to work out, and am pretty fit, maybe not so horrible to look at . . . but just the thought of the amount of time that I (or anyone else for that matter) would have to spend to get that kind of physique . . . no wonder he can't even afford a tank of gas or think for a moment of anyone else's needs.

Any guesses as to who the BF loves the most in the whole wide world?
Posted by Looking For a Better Read on July 10, 2012 at 10:36 PM · Report this
eew plucked chicken
Posted by brendan on July 10, 2012 at 10:55 PM · Report this
femwanderluster 54
This letter and thread should be emailed to College-Bound Boy as a what-not-to-do re:sex with the womens and also maybe a boost to his self-esteem re:even if he doesn't feel he is as hot (a superlative which is debatable in this case, see comments) as this guy, he shouldn't let that hold him back, since, well, this guy. Ugh, puke.
Posted by femwanderluster on July 10, 2012 at 11:00 PM · Report this
That guy is on Chaos Men, Sean Cody or Corbin Fisher. This photo and story do not mesh. Based on the photo he is a homo and does not care if you are wet or want to play fore, and your letter is awful.
Boys like that do not like girls like you because they are interested in boys like them or anyone in the men's room. Also girls like you asking about boys like them are sad, sorry they are just not that into.
Posted by I feel sorry for her. on July 10, 2012 at 11:28 PM · Report this
Why--and I'm being serious here--are you even with this shitbird? It can't be for the sex, because he's made it quite clear he doesn't give an airborne coitus about your pleasure. Sure, he's hot (although as noted above, those moles want some going over at least, if not excision), but seriously, no hotness is worth this. Send him a dermatologist's business card with "Eat shit and die --FFNF" written on the back.
Posted by NT on July 11, 2012 at 12:05 AM · Report this
Am I the only one whose bullshitmeter went off on this one? I mean, question embedded in random long story where the answer is already long clear, and the picture any letter writer would gladly claim they're fucking, and so willing disclosed? Oh, and the references to podcast, and archive, and GGG, and really I know everything already and am JUST WASTING YOUR TIME! But look, hot picture!!!
Posted by DE on July 11, 2012 at 12:19 AM · Report this
That guy looks awful smooth for a straight guy. Maybe he's so inconsiderate because she's his beard, and he's not really into her? Straight or not, he's a jerk.
Posted by ohthetrees on July 11, 2012 at 12:26 AM · Report this
Dust mites are much more compact than bed bugs, using adults rising to just 0. 25 mm long, which is barely seen. They feed on pretty much any type of organic issue, such as dead skin flakes, foodstuff particles, other animal parts including decaying bed bugs, or anything else. Dust mites are more related to spiders, have 8 thighs, but can’t really bite as their mouths or mandibles are designed for biting, not piercing. These people do, nevertheless, cause serious skin irritability and itching from the powerful the disgestive system enzymes and areas of the body of dead dust mites. In truth, the digestive support enzymes and areas of the body are two with the strongest identified allergens on the globe. but cause far more allergies together with asthma than even the pollen rely.

Posted by h-louis vuitton outlet store on July 11, 2012 at 1:42 AM · Report this
His body freaks me the hell out. He looks fake, and 'roided up. Skinny nerds have managed to give me body-shattering orgasms...
Posted by DC270 on July 11, 2012 at 2:21 AM · Report this
DTMFA, obviously, but the jelly and mirin' of his body in this thread are palpable and hilarious.

@59.... wh..what? I thought you were going for some kind of deep metaphor there but then you completely lost me.
Posted by stephen.g on July 11, 2012 at 2:23 AM · Report this
Bauhaus I 62
I'm certainly not THE authority on such matters, but it has been my experience that sometimes assholes (I mean, REAL assholes) spend a lot of time in the gym because they aren't going to get anyone with their personality. Hey, baby...I can treat you or anybody I want like shit because - hey - how you gonna say no to THIS?

I fell for it longer than I should have. We older gay men were usually delayed about a decade in the formation of our Hip-To-That dating file. But really, you can't have sex all the time, and even if it's like fireworks when it does happen, it won't continue to be fireworks if you don't respect each other and are otherwise incapable of exchanging intelligent ideas - and it's even worse, of course, if he's a jerk. No looker (if that's all he or she is) is worth it. Ever.

And the note is surprising because women are usually much better learning that lesson and avoiding that kind of guy/girl than men are. How many times have I commented to a female friend about how CUTE someone is, and she replies something like, "Yeah, but he's 30 and still parks cars for a living." And it's said as if he has syphilis.
Posted by Bauhaus I on July 11, 2012 at 4:11 AM · Report this
I suspect some people spend their ours developing a body like that to make up for their personality problems.

I am surprised DS has allowed his juices to cloud his advice like this. It seems a bit out of character.
Posted by Dr.Duck on July 11, 2012 at 4:14 AM · Report this
Not hot in the slightest, all that body says to me is that he spends far too much time admiring himself pumping iron and not enough doing actual interesting stuff! A man who is fit and muscular because his job or hobbies (swimming, biking, running, sports etc something you do for the joy of it that of it that also leads to being muscular) can be gorgeous because it's a natural, useful muscle tone shaped by life rather than just a desire to be bigger or have certain definition in certain muscle groups, this carefully sculpted (then buffed and bronzed and waxed) look just leaves me cold.. in fact, I'd go so far as saying it's repellent as I'd make the (probably unfair in some cases) assumption that he'd be just like the man you described.. Oh, and obviously dtmfa, dating an asshole for amazing sex is one thing (been there, done that ;0) ) but dating an asshole for crap sex? pointless!
Posted by UK girlie on July 11, 2012 at 4:34 AM · Report this
singing cynic 65
I, unlike everyone else, don't think that Dan was blinded by the guy's hot bod. I think he sensed (as I do) from the LW that she WANTS to find a way to make getting fucked by this hot, inconsiderate douche work. He actually gave her the right advice - don't try to have a relationship with this guy (for the love of god, no!) but try to find a way to make an intellectually erotic experience (getting used by a hot guy who is only out for his own pleasure) into an ACTUAL erotic experience. I still occasionally fantasize about being "used" by guys from my past, precisely BECAUSE they were assholes. (Way more orgasms in masturbatory fantasy than in jackhammer reality, but that's the way it goes.) It's not an uncommon fantasy.
Posted by singing cynic on July 11, 2012 at 4:57 AM · Report this
singing cynic 66
Oh yeah, but gotta agree with @9 - don't TALK about this guy to friends & neighbors. See this for what it is and let him be a bedroom-only fantasy, and stop allowing him to intrude into other aspects of your life.
Posted by singing cynic on July 11, 2012 at 5:03 AM · Report this
nicole sweetness 67
@28, before I was very sexually experienced, I preferred men with little to no hair, but that has definitely changed. My current boyfriend is really hairy and I love it! I find it very masculine. Unfortunately, he's a little self-conscious about it, but I'm doing my best to change that.
Posted by nicole sweetness on July 11, 2012 at 5:14 AM · Report this
sissoucat 68
@LW Keep the picture. Dump the model. Tearing and blood from PiV ? That's not sex, that's you being used as a semen disposal. Has he got no hands ? And 10 minutes is his max ? Dump the tool and ask for a refund.

@28 I like hair. It's soft, and nothing is more disgusting than hairless skin when it's wet, because of, er, intense activity. It becomes sticky. And hairs growing back do chafe. I like hair on men and I like hair on me. It's so much more sexual.

Hairy legs, torso, everything, fur, mmh yeah. Then again I love cats.
Posted by sissoucat on July 11, 2012 at 5:48 AM · Report this
Aurora Erratic 69
There's no one in the world who looks good enough to put up with that treatment. His ugly personality blocks the view.
Posted by Aurora Erratic on July 11, 2012 at 6:10 AM · Report this
It's like admiring a 1964 Mustang convertable with no engine... WHAT THE FUCK'S THE POINT!?!
Posted by The fag on July 11, 2012 at 6:21 AM · Report this
I'd second (third) the thought that there's an excellent chance that the guy's a closet/dl case, and part of the reason he's not providing foreplay is it'll lose him his erection. The body's further evidence as well. dtmfa!
Posted by freshnycman on July 11, 2012 at 6:27 AM · Report this
So, can somebody tell me what's sexy about a man you can't get off with? Seems to me that a definition of "sexy" is "leads to orgasm". If the only sex you have with him is either unfulfilling or painful, he's not sexy.
Posted by agony on July 11, 2012 at 6:51 AM · Report this
Dan's gaydar must be broken.

This guy is screaming through the closet door.
Posted by DTFMFA on July 11, 2012 at 7:00 AM · Report this
puppydogtails 74
Body of a narcissist (even if he hasn't had his skin tags frozen off). In my experience, when their bodies are TOO perfect, they are less than perfect. Just let him date the one he's truly in love with -- himself.
Posted by puppydogtails on July 11, 2012 at 7:03 AM · Report this
Fer chrissake. You know why there are stupid assholes in the world? Because women (and, as it turns out, gay guys) sleep with them. And here some even fawn over them...and even recommend "eroticisizing" their assholery. Dude needs a punch in the head, and FFNF needs her head examined for sleeping with him. Guys have no excuse for being stupid assholes, but people have little excuse for sleeping with/fawning over such assholes. I'm all for being in shape, and I certainly understand the virtues of, e.g., proper regard for oneself. But when those tip over the ledge and turn into narcissism, preening obsession with manboobs, chest waxing and assholery...well, there really is no excuse for having anything to do with the person. It's nauseating and idiotic that FFNF and many of the commenters here are giving this dickhead exactly what he wants--sex and praise for his freakish obsession with himself and disregard for anyone else. Jesus, people. This stuff is not rocket science.
Posted by No account on July 11, 2012 at 7:15 AM · Report this
Cato the Younger Younger 76
Steriods and meth really do a body good!
Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on July 11, 2012 at 7:17 AM · Report this
Freche_Lola 77
Not "if that's the case"- just dump him immediately! My ex (because of differing life goals) had a very similar body (possibly hotter), but the opposite attitude (he refused to orgasm if I hadn't and greatly enjoyed extended foreplay).

Still giving this asshole the benefit of sex is appalling- think of the women coming (or rather not coming) after you! This jerk will never learn not to be a total shit if stupid women and horny sex-columnists don't banish him immediately to the masterbation corner. Bad Dan for giving bad advice!
Posted by Freche_Lola on July 11, 2012 at 7:58 AM · Report this
@65, you are correct. I have been trying to find a way to make this work. I've told him what we've been doing hasn't been working for me, I've told him what I want him to do, I've given him books. I was stupid in thinking he'd listen to me and change his behavior.

@77, I have thought about other women which is why I was trying to get him to improve his skills with the books and telling him what I want. He's told me (and I don't know if this is the truth or not) that the other women he's been with have been perfectly content with the jackhammering, even if they don't come. Apparently I'm the only one insisting that he at least make a good-faith attempt at getting me off. I'm done with it. I've turned him down on his quickie requests for the last week.
Posted by FFNF on July 11, 2012 at 8:18 AM · Report this
I just started a blog this morning, after watching Orgasm Inc. last night, and wanting to holler a few choice opinions to ... someone. I wrote about women not coming during intercourse, and then I come here and see a letter from a woman who doesn't come from intercourse. Long story short, if you want to come during intercourse, you can, and it's awesome, and you should attempt it.

Regarding this dick... guys gotta learn that men and women are built different, and so some foreplay is necessary with most women. I don't understand it all, but if I'm not turned on, then even with lots of lube, it can hurt a bit (I'm tight and he's big - feels great for him, but he knows foreplay is necessary). Interestingly, we've occasionally done exactly what Dan suggests. If we're short on time, my guy will suggest I get myself "ready" so he can come into the bedroom and dive right into me. But that's a "sometimes" activity, not an "every time" MO. DTMF.
Posted by Ms. Pondersex on July 11, 2012 at 8:34 AM · Report this
Dan, your advice is normally spot-on, and I take it that you are having an off-day today, or at least you are letting the photo influence your answer. Without the photo, you probably would have said DTMFA and been done with it.

The guy really doesn't do a thing for me (I agree with whoever said "plucked chicken ewww"), so I can probably be more objective. FFNF, you deserve better.

Then again, the whole thing sounds kind of suspicious. Woman writes to Dan for advice and encloses photo. Dan asks if he can post photo. Boyfriend or whatever he is, presumably aware of nature of letter FFNF has written to Dan, says, "sure, he can post photo." Sounds like the three of them are engaging in some sort of fantasy--first FFNF and boyfriend or whatever he is dragging Dan into it and then the three of them dragging the readers along.

While I normally look forward to the letter of the day, today the minutes I spent reading it were a complete waste of time. At least some of the comments took over Dan's usual "spot-on" role.
Posted by Mike in Houston on July 11, 2012 at 8:40 AM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 81
FFNF, I'm glad you're reading these comments.

So ... I just checked online and a FLESHLIGHT costs about 70 bucks US.

Do you think you're WORTH MORE than 70 bucks? If so, you know what to do. Leave the asshole a link to a site where he can get a fleshlight of his own and then get the fuck away from him. Too bad for him is that he won't be able to tear or make the fleshlight bleed 'cuz, let's face it, he likes to know/see you get hurt from sex with him (as if it's some kind of testament to his semi-raping ability). And you'll be able to find someone who actually LIKES to fuck you and WANTS you to enjoy sex as much as he does. Someone who'll spend more than 10 minutes going down on you without stopping and complaining. Imagine that!

By staying with the asshole, you're basically telling the world – and yourself - that you don't deserve any better, because you're not that hot-looking yourself. I don't know who thought that was a good life lesson for you but it's not true. The faster you get away from the asshole, the sooner you can find someone who appreciates you more than his pecs. [Besides, when a pair of pecs is twice as big as someone's head, you know there's not much of a brain in there.]

Even if the asshole agreed to the new conditions that Dan proposed, I'd bet you anything he'd forget after a couple of times and just drop over when he's horny for a quickie. Why forget? Because, remember, he's not interested in YOU having orgasms on your own using your hands or a vibe. If it's not on that magic dick of his, then he has no reason to co-operate. And your receiving pleasure or at least not hurting is still NO reason for him. He's already made that very clear. From your last comment, it's also clear that he's going to resist you and your reasons by bringing up the women from his past who enjoyed the quickies, the "jackhammering" (ugh) and everything else he's done. He wants you to just give in already.

You know why you need to dump the asshole ... because you're worth more than 70 bucks. And made of flesh and blood and feelings, but not rubber. The fleshlight's replaceable; you are not.
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on July 11, 2012 at 8:42 AM · Report this
As a man, I can tell you one thing with certainty: if I was with a woman who was supermodel hot but didn't get me to orgasm after two or three sessions at most I would DTMFA.
“Painted cakes do not satisfy hunger.”
Posted by Robby on July 11, 2012 at 8:55 AM · Report this
Meh. The pic doesn't impress at all after reading the letter. Life's too short to fuck inconsiderate - not to mention downright dickish - lovers.

So what do you guys think? Garden-variety narcissist or an actual sociopath?
Posted by JrzWrld on July 11, 2012 at 9:07 AM · Report this
Michael of the Green 84
He even looks like an asshole, IMHO. Unless you're a professional athlete, you can't get a body like that without being a narcissistic douche. And even professional athletes don't have such disproportionate pectorals. I know people like him at the gym who spend all their time on their pecs. All assholes.
Posted by Michael of the Green on July 11, 2012 at 9:13 AM · Report this
Michael of the Green 85
Also, that's obviously a picture that he took of himself, right? He's definitely posting this on Grindr or Blendr, and thinking of it while jerking off or having sex with you. There's no doubt in my mind that he's having unsafe sex with others, so I hope you're using protection, esp. considering the bleeding.
Posted by Michael of the Green on July 11, 2012 at 9:25 AM · Report this
Roids. I'd bet on it.
Posted by jasha1 on July 11, 2012 at 9:39 AM · Report this
@84, I spend an inordinate amount of time on my pecs, but only so that they will balance out/distract from my beer belly
Posted by jasha1 on July 11, 2012 at 9:47 AM · Report this
biffp 88
Definitely 'roids, and those pecs are definitely built for attention from other guys.
Posted by biffp on July 11, 2012 at 10:03 AM · Report this
I don't find that pasty, hairless body the least bit tempting. Hope his face is better. But I'll bet he's got those blank, wide-set eyes of a dumbass gym rat. It takes intelligence to get that giving someone else pleasure is the ultimate aphrodisiac. He don't sound smart.
Posted by portland scribe on July 11, 2012 at 10:43 AM · Report this
thatsnotright 90
Why date a guy who can't, or won't get you off? Routinely bad sex with a guy who looks like he takes a whole lot of steroids and spends too much time looking at himself in a gym mirror sounds so pointless.
Posted by thatsnotright on July 11, 2012 at 10:54 AM · Report this
BEG 91
#5 nails it. I would't stay with this guy one moment longer. Ugh... He'll only make LW feel like shit.
Posted by BEG!/browneyedgirl65 on July 11, 2012 at 11:03 AM · Report this
You might want to read this:…
Posted by seeker6079 on July 11, 2012 at 11:18 AM · Report this
Bonefish 93
You know, it's cool if being used and treated like a jizz rag turns you on. But you should know that it's common for people to treat each other like shit in the bedroom without actually treating each other like shit in general. That way, you get all of the turn-ons with none of the trauma.

Right now, you're not even getting the turn-ons. As others have pointed out, there are two big reasons for dating someone with a good body: showing off and getting off. But he's not getting you off, and nobody else that you've shown him off to seems to be impressed with him. I don't see any reason, good or bad, for you to avoid dumping this asshole and finding someone else who can treat you like shit, gold, or anything else you want in the bedroom.
Posted by Bonefish on July 11, 2012 at 11:31 AM · Report this
singing cynic 94
aaaaaaaaaaand @93 FTW.
Posted by singing cynic on July 11, 2012 at 1:57 PM · Report this
NOP_Spinster 95
This is stupid and pisses me off. Dump his ass. There are plenty of gorgeous and cut men out there who aren't assholes. .
Posted by NOP_Spinster on July 11, 2012 at 5:35 PM · Report this
Is this guy so stupid(or maybe desensitized from all the steroids) to realize that wet sex is SOOOOO much better than dry sex. Foreplay isnt just for her, it makes the whole experience infinitely more pleasurable for you too.
Posted by blahcula on July 11, 2012 at 6:02 PM · Report this
Respect or no, love or no, I've never understood why anyone would keep sleeping with someone who is hot but a downright bad lay. What's the point? They may be nice to look at, but as soon as they touch you, it stops being fun.
Posted by Skipper Jo on July 11, 2012 at 6:03 PM · Report this
If she's putting his cock in her mouth/hands/between her tits or ass-cheeks prior to vaginal intercourse she needs to stop. And investing in lube is probably not a terrible idea.
Posted by newtongGOTbeaned on July 11, 2012 at 11:12 PM · Report this
I agree with the DTMFA people, but I'll admit to using Dan's recommended quickie foreplay method a few times myself. Boyfriend and I both wanted sex, but boyfriend only had time for a truly quick quickie while I could spare a few extra minutes. I got myself going and then jumped him. It's a very nice surprise to be approached for a quickie by a partner who is ready to go and enthusiastic. Of course, a man should prove that he's proficient at foreplay before he gets a free pass for skipping it every once in awhile.
Posted by oohlookasquirrel on July 12, 2012 at 7:54 AM · Report this
I be thinkin that FFNF is not a SHE at all, but is really the douche taking his own pic and sending it to Dan because he wants to read how hot all the commenters think he is.

In support of my "thinkin", I submit the following observations: 1 - Why a picture that he obviously took of himself and not one SHE took of him? 2. Only a dude would make the comment about bleeding and tearing, why? Cuz he has such a gynormous cock. Being dry isn't a concern that a real SHE couldn't easily overcome by keeping a bottle of lube handy. No, the letter writer wants us to think his gynormous cock is in proportion to his gynormous muscles. 3. A real SHE wouldn't need to send a picture at all. His hotness could be covered in two words "he's hot".
4. What kind of person would admittedly allow herself to be treated like a POS just to get some "out of their league" action? The kind of person who has a penis, that's who. Incredibly hot people, who know they are incredibly hot, will fuck other incredibly hot people. This guy knows he is incredibly hot, he'd be bangin other people in his league, so if there really was a SHE, that SHE would be incredibly hot herself and could find any number of other incredibly hot dudes who like eating pussy, foreplay and the like.

No, this is all bullshit I tell you. Dan was deceived by his own lust for hardbodied, mole infested, gynormous cocked, faux hetro douche bags. SHE (FFNF) is a fairy tale!
Posted by Ibentrudaropes on July 12, 2012 at 7:57 AM · Report this
Wait, why would anyone have sex with someone, no matter how hot, if they can't orgasm? What's the point?

Also, dude, it's not the women who are broken. Tons of us can orgasm during vaginal intercourse alone. You're just doing it wrong.

I had a guy try to tell me women don't like oral sex once. He was also just doing it wrong.
Posted by This guy fucking sucks on July 12, 2012 at 10:42 AM · Report this
Thanks Dan, you just set human sexual maturity back about 3,000 years. It's not every day a gay guy encourages a straight woman to stay with a hot guy even if he abuses her -- just for the secks. You know, as long as she dumps him SOMEDAY. Just not, you know, necessarily, *now*. What Would Gloria Steinem Do?
Posted by K on July 12, 2012 at 3:28 PM · Report this
Chiming in late but I don't find this guy hot AT ALL....plastic body, stomach stubble, and suspicious moles on top of a douchenozzle attitude? Ick. DTMFA.

@28, chest hair is manly and very sexy
Posted by jujubee80 on July 12, 2012 at 8:40 PM · Report this
sissoucat 104
@100 I tend to agree with you.

Tearing from less than 5 minute vaginal dry sex is pushing the enveloppe. And I don't know of any woman who'd take tearing lightly - it sounds more like a male fantasm. I'm not a gynaecologist, though.

Anyway, the guy in the picture is not sexually appealing to me - a het woman. He's too plastic, like #103 wrote..
Posted by sissoucat on July 13, 2012 at 10:55 AM · Report this
ShifterCat 105
@78: Good for you. Take the next step and block his numbers. Then get yourself to a clinic for testing.

And as far as his claim that previous girlfriends have enjoyed what he does? Bullshit. This is the guy who'd rather tell himself that a woman is "broken" than learn how to please her. He hears only what he wants to hear.
Posted by ShifterCat on July 13, 2012 at 11:38 AM · Report this
Oh please, every second she spends with him is just screwing over women he meets in the future. Dump him via text message and be done with it.
Posted by Kylere on July 13, 2012 at 12:08 PM · Report this
sissoucat 107
"Previous girlfriends have enjoyed it, how come it doesn't it work with you ?" is one of the surest signs of DTMFA. Previous girlfiends did not enjoy it either, despite being fed the same shaming line when they complained, and they dumped him. Keep in mind that those "previous girlfriends" were maybe not more than one person. Nor even one, in some cases.

Another ones on "previous girlfriends", directly quoted from Fat Asshole (an andearing nickname for my ex-husband, built on his initials) :

"With previous girlfriends, I was able to have sex twice in a row, but strangely, with you it doesn't seem to work" = I've never ever been able of getting my dick up twice on the same night, but I don't want you to know.

"I've dumped all my previous girlfriends ; most of them were pretty unbalanced, and the other one was a random hookup" = they've all dumped me, and I never want you to meet them, just in case they'd tell you why.
Posted by sissoucat on July 14, 2012 at 3:18 AM · Report this
Is assholesexuality an orientation?
Posted by jasha1 on July 16, 2012 at 1:23 PM · Report this
@108 I think you're onto something there. Sounds more like a lifestyle, though.
Posted by LiveAndLet on July 17, 2012 at 7:55 PM · Report this

Add a comment


All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC
1535 11th Ave (Third Floor), Seattle, WA 98122
Contact | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy