Hark yee, internet romantics: Ring the churchbells! Release the dove hoards! We've got a wedding to celebrate!
This afternoon, Seattle resident Angela Vogel was issued a marriage certificate to wed Corporate Person (who we can only presume identifies as heterosexual male) in an intimate downtown ceremony. You can check out the video, pics, and sermon over here.
"I'm incredibly excited," Vogel gushed when reached by phone after the ceremony. "I'm drinking."
Of course, this was no normal wedding. Corporate Person is only a month-and-a-half old, which makes Vogel a total cradle robber. Also, the wedding was a stunt cooked up by the people running city Initiative 103 (.PDF), an ambitious measure slated for 2013 that seeks to do some sensible stuff, like strip corporations of their personhood status, free speech, and other constitutional rights, along with some batshit stuff, like requiring developers to gain the approval of "neighborhood majorities" before starting most new development projects in Seattle.
I've reached out to a few lawyers to help me parse through the constitutionality of the initiative. But they won't be able to answer today's far more pressing questions, like: How is the happy couple celebrating their honeymoon?
"Unfortunately, Corporate Person is a pretty cheap guy so I’m going to just be hanging out in Seattle, drinking booze for my honeymoon," Vogel says.
And will the state allow Angela Vogel to remain Mrs. Corporate Person?
"This license will undoubtedly be rejected because one of the entities is only 1.5 months old," explains Cameron Satterfield, a spokesperson for the Department of Executive Services (which forwards marriage licenses on to the Department of Health for validation).
"You have to be 18 to be legally married in the State of Washington," Satterfield helpfully adds.
UPDATE: Satterfield says, "King County Records and Licensing Division reviewed today’s events and determined that the clerk accepted the marriage application in error. After checking with the Washington State Department of Health, and pursuant to RCW 26.04.130, we have voided the license and will refund the $64 application fee."
Way to gleefully shit on the parade of another pair of consenting
adults things, guys. On the bright side, I hear Boeing's single.