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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Who Will Speak for the Flavored-Lube Users?

Posted by on Tue, Jul 17, 2012 at 3:13 PM

I am writing in regards to your remarks on flavored condoms/lube on a recent podcast.

While flavored lube is no longer a regular part of my sex life, I find your attitude toward it oddly sex negative and out of synch with the values you express on the show. You said, "If you don't like the way dick tastes, don't fake it, don't pretend, don't cover it in chocolate sauce."

Why not? Are you saying it is preferable to not perform oral sex on your partner than to use flavored lube/condoms? Or to perform, but to do so with grudging resentment because the taste grosses you out? Sure, Dan, you like the taste of dick and that's great! If everyone liked the taste of dick life would be easier. Unfortunately not all people like the taste of dick and some may never acquire a taste for dick. Or they may one day down the road but right now they need a little help getting there. Which is what so much of your sex advice is about! You encourage people to experiment and see what's out there in the world that might enrich their sex lives or help them overcome some hurdle or hang up. You let us all know it's all okay. When it comes to sex, nothing is off limits—within reason obviously—and it's only sex-negative attitudes that tell us otherwise.

Dan, I am a fan, I listen to your show, I read your column. And I am urging you to be more sex positive—and to be more in line with your own values—when it comes to flavored condoms and lube. Many of us, your readers and listeners, enjoy the pleasure that comes from mixing different bodily sensations, drawing close the shroom-induced blending of senses that synthesis are blessed to experience all the time. Mixing beloved and familiar flavors with new and exciting sex acts is one way to achieve that sensual synthesis.

Your Loyal Fan

P.S. I am super stoned right now. I have felt this way every time I've heard you say something negative about flavored lubes, Dan, I never took time to write. But weed, my 420 savior, gave me the motivation necessary.

Thanks for taking the time to write, YLF, and thank you for what has to be the most unnecessary postscript ever. Stoned, are you? Really. You don't say. But I stand by my advice: dick is dick and dessert is dessert. If you're pouring chocolate sauce or strawberry goo all over someone's dick... you're doing it wrong. But as with all my advice, YLF, that's just my opinion. It's not binding arbitration. So people who disagree with me are free to cover the dicks they're sucking in chocolate sauce and whip cream and rainbow sprinkles. But don't come crying to me when the CDC reclassifies diabetes as a sexually transmitted infection.

A couple of folks whose problems were featured in recent SLLOTD posts sent in updates. Their letters are after the jump...


Since you were so kind to answer my letter, I thought I would give you an update. Mom and I have had a long talk about the fight over how she treated my trans friend. I reminded her that she's been mistreated a lot for things beyond her control: for being female, for adopting a black kid, and even for being white (in a mostly non-white high school). I told her that it hurt to see a friend treated as less than human because of something beyond her control. She apologized, and said that it was "no excuse for acting like that," but that over the past few years, she's had nearly every ideal turned upside down. She stumbled across evidence of her daughter's "depraved" sexual lifestyle, her son came out as gay, and she essentially had to come to terms with having been wrong about pretty much everything her entire life. She said it would take a while to get used to it, but that she would never treat my trans friends like that again. I'm happy that she's realized she was in the wrong and is taking steps to mend it. I don't expect perfection, but she's pointed in the right direction.

Also, I talked to my friend about the ordeal and apologized. All is well on that end.—KID


As promised, a quick update on my "stranger on a train" story. We had a short but great time together, but it turned out we were sexually (and romantically) incompatible. Before I knew your column, I would have given it a try, but after reading you it was obvious that it would've been a disaster. And I wasn't infatuated enough to try to fix his hang-ups. (Kinky sex is only for the sluts you fuck and never call again, relationship sex must be "normal," a woman getting herself off means she is defective and threatening to a man's abilities, etc.) I'm still glad that I gave him my number and found out that he wasn't for me. Although it's a bit sad, because we did have amazing chemistry. It makes me a little angry that an otherwise great guy has these views on sex, but I have no patience for this crap.

It was an experience I've learned from, so no regrets at all. Thank you so much for your initial advice and all your former advice to other people I could draw on. It helped a lot.—SHY


Comments (41) RSS

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balderdash 1
Pretty good friend to have forgiven you that easily, KID. Don't treat your friends like that in the future, okay?
Posted by balderdash on July 17, 2012 at 3:20 PM · Report this
Zebes 2
After reading "the taste of dick" so much I started to imagine it being written in flowery script across glitzy packaging on some supermarket shelf.
Posted by Zebes on July 17, 2012 at 3:35 PM · Report this
Reverse Polarity 3
I like the taste of dick. I like the taste of chocolate. Chocolate covered dick sounds like the best thing on earth to me.
Posted by Reverse Polarity on July 17, 2012 at 3:41 PM · Report this
Oh, wow. Good thing SHY met Dan before she met Mr. Hangups.
Posted by Alice Dreger on July 17, 2012 at 3:51 PM · Report this
Cato the Younger Younger 5
Ugh....I like food and I love sex. But it's not the same as peanut butter and chocolate
Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on July 17, 2012 at 3:59 PM · Report this
Speaking of follow ups - what ever happened to the guy who was getting deep throat BJ's by his buddy/trainer on the sly.
Posted by Mthrfckr on July 17, 2012 at 3:59 PM · Report this
john t 7
Now I kind of want to try putting a dash of salt and pepper on dick to see if it brings out the flavor.
Posted by john t on July 17, 2012 at 4:20 PM · Report this
Flavored lube =/= to food on sexual body parts. While I'm no fan of flavored lube, at least it's MEANT for the purpose at hand, er mouth?, as opposed to proffering all manners of nastiness that is hard to clean up fully. Nothing like rolling your genital bacteria up to a nice, tasty buffet, particularly if you're a woman. :Shudder:
Posted by Ms. D on July 17, 2012 at 4:30 PM · Report this
More, I Say! 9
Awe, I gotta say, I have some sympathy for KID's mom. She is obviously trying hard, and having a hard time coming to terms with what probably seems like finding out your whole life with your kids was a lie. (Obviously it was not, but you know, you have a revelation and it can seem like your entire world is coming down around you.)
Posted by More, I Say! on July 17, 2012 at 4:34 PM · Report this
nocutename 10
You know, I love the taste of dick, and don't want to get chocolate sauce all over my sheets, and find the artificial flavors that are supposed to be candy-like in lube or condoms or body chocolate or whatever to be incredibly yucky. I agree that dick should be dick and dessert should be dessert, but I have to concede the lw's point. If we can accept people's more kinky practices without necessarily wanting to incorporate them ourselves (mummification, anyone?), why are we so judgmental about other, less kinky preferences? It's snobbism, plain and simple. No one is asking you to slather "strawberry" flavored lube on or to cover your bf/gf in Hersey's syrup, but if other people want to do it, they shouldn't be told that it's gross. And if it acts as a gateway to unadulterated dick--or pussy--for a squeamish newbie, then it was all to the good, right?
Posted by nocutename on July 17, 2012 at 4:35 PM · Report this
emma's bee 11
@2: I know what you mean. I found myself humming an old Herb Alpert tune while reading that letter & response.
Posted by emma's bee on July 17, 2012 at 4:36 PM · Report this
secretagent 12
Whatever it takes to get the job done, I say, but ladies should be aware than anything sugary, flavored lube or otherwise, on or in our genitals is a no-no. So no "flavored" dicks in your vag. Unless you like yeast infections. Planned Parenthood recently stopped giving out lubes with glycerin in them because of the link between it and yeast infections in women.
Posted by secretagent on July 17, 2012 at 4:43 PM · Report this
KIDs next letter;

"Dan, I've gotten into exhibitionism. My mom got upset because I said, "How do you like this tuna sandwich?!" and flashed my vag at her bridge club. Can you tell her to stop being such a judgemental bitch?"
Posted by mubhappy on July 17, 2012 at 5:11 PM · Report this
ScienceNerd 14
Yay SHY! I was hoping you went for it. Sorry it didn't work out, but at least you tried! That was more than I could bring myself to do. :)
Posted by ScienceNerd on July 17, 2012 at 5:12 PM · Report this
10 FTW.
Posted by Amanda on July 17, 2012 at 5:21 PM · Report this
@ 9, I kind of had the same reaction. KID's mom's entire world is different than she thought it was and she is having a hard time adjusting to the change and to the realization that she was on the "wrong side of history".

That doesn't excuse her behavior. Just because your world is crashing down around you doesn't give you to the right to treat others without respect. But at least understanding her feelings helps us see she's not necessarily unreasonable, just another human being having trouble with change and their own prejudices.

I have a feeling we will be seeing more people like KID's mom as the tides of change inevitably bring about such changes as nation-wide same-sex marriage and acceptance of our transgendered brothers and sisters. Let's hope they don't all have to lash out as KID's mom did.
Posted by SherBee on July 17, 2012 at 5:47 PM · Report this
Call me ignorant (the only dick I'm interested in is my own, and I'm not limber enough to reach it myself) but doesn't dick taste like, uh, skin? Seems to me if it tastes strong enough to be distasteful, somebody needs to be told to go shower before sex. Better yet, start the foreplay in the shower.
Posted by avast2006 on July 17, 2012 at 6:21 PM · Report this
rob! 18
Dick tastes like your arm. Clean dick, that is. There's nothing to object to, or to require spicing up.

If you like salt, rancid ball-sweat, Stilton cheese, a soup├žon of ass-furrow funk, and other consequences of several days without bathing, that's a valid preference too, but let's keep the two things in their separate (and well-deserved) boxes.
Posted by rob! on July 17, 2012 at 6:29 PM · Report this
rob! 19
...aaaand @17 slid into home ahead of the throw.
Posted by rob! on July 17, 2012 at 6:30 PM · Report this
@18: You may be technically correct for like half an hour after a guy showers but I bet most bjs don't occur in that time period. And as soon as any pre-come start flowing u haz a flavor, as the cats say.
Posted by chi_type on July 17, 2012 at 7:38 PM · Report this
@1 - Don't treat your Don't invite your friends to lunch with your mom? KID did nothing wrong. Her mom was insensitive but it's understandable and her reaction after being confronted absolves her. Not forgiving her friend would've been ridiculous.
Posted by dchari on July 17, 2012 at 7:43 PM · Report this
I think Dan's problem with dessert-genitalia is it's just such an utterly straitlaced and VANILLA thing to do. It is classic Cosmo sex advice for people who don't know how to actually "spice it up" in the bedroom because they've never even seen a pair of handcuffs. And the taste of sex isn't saccharine - it's salty, sour, bitter, slimy, sticky, the taste of skin and fluids. I agree with you here, Dan. Fuck chocolate syrup. (Well, don't.)
Posted by dchari on July 17, 2012 at 7:46 PM · Report this
Re KID's update: can't help thinking that Mom probably thinks of herself as a conservative, if all that stuff amounts to turning her worldview upside down. If so, so much for the efficacy of conservative parenting. Just like Dick Cheney and his daughter. Can't be the parenting, must be a result of all that damned 'recruiting'.
Posted by avast2006 on July 17, 2012 at 8:13 PM · Report this
mtnlion 25
Posted by mtnlion on July 17, 2012 at 9:09 PM · Report this
mtnlion 26
Dessert products on genitalia is a non-issue. It is not even really something to discuss with any kind of logic or depth. Some people do it, some people don't. Some people like it; some think it's lame/gross: gee, it's kind of like every other sex practice, no?
Posted by mtnlion on July 17, 2012 at 9:15 PM · Report this
Honestly, I like flavored lube because when I was blowing random guys, I liked the taste of flavored lube a lot better than the taste of spermicidal condoms and I wasn't about to go condom-less with guys I didn't really know. It wasn't about dick vs. flavored condoms, it was flavored condoms vs. unflavored condoms.
Posted by alguna_rubia on July 17, 2012 at 10:29 PM · Report this
"It makes me a little angry that an otherwise great guy has these views on sex, but I have no patience for this crap."
YESSSS!!! Unless this dude is really the end-all, don't waste your time trying to convince him he's full of shit. Because fuck that shit.
Posted by bodhirungus on July 17, 2012 at 10:52 PM · Report this
sissoucat 29
@13 FTW !

I agree with nocutename @10, but YLF's complaint does read like the works of a stoned-out mind, who can't grasp that Dan was talking about actual chocolate sauce and not about chocolate flavored lube.

One is intended for use during sex, the other makes a Petri dish out of your genitalia, the more so in hetero sex. Tastes and flavors set aside, letting actual sugary food enter a vagina is really a bad idea. It upsets the vaginal flora.
Posted by sissoucat on July 18, 2012 at 1:03 AM · Report this
Noadi 30
I like the taste of dick but it does get monotonous at times so a little flavored lube or one of the Masque samples a friend gave me (think breath strips but not minty because the general reaction to those is "ow! stop!) is a nice change of pace. Actual food though? No thanks, bacterial and/or yeast overgrowth is not sexy.
Posted by Noadi on July 18, 2012 at 2:00 AM · Report this
I read this yesterday, and felt like I wanted to add something, but wasn't sure what. Nothing like a good night's sleep to focus the mind.

Remember HPV? Remember that HPV can cause throat cancer? Remember gonorrhea?

Remember safe sex?

I'm thinking the issue with flavored condoms isn't so much whether they taste better than dick, but whether they taste better than unflavored condoms. Latex is an acquired taste, at best. So, if someone is practicing safe oral sex with men who are relative strangers, and isn't fond of the flavor of latex, well...

By the way, speaking of oral sex with people who aren't men, did you know they make flavored dental dams, too?

As for flavored lubes, I'm guessing again that one issue might be the flavor of unflavored lubes. Personally, the flavor of the lube is not usually the first thing on my mind when I'm... involved, but you know, whatever.
Posted by Brooklyn Reader on July 18, 2012 at 5:41 AM · Report this
AFinch 33 my reading-between-the-lines on KID's Mom was a little different: she liked to think of herself as an open-minded, progressive liberal and to espousing the all the right long as you're talking about someone else's life/kid. To me the giveaway was the "adopted a black child". But suddenly it's very different when it's your own child and you're forced to really live it - and that's tough for lots of "progressive liberals". I dunno, but maybe cut her a little slack for adjusting poorly - don't let her off the hook, just don't immediately throw her in the pillory.
Posted by AFinch on July 18, 2012 at 8:40 AM · Report this
Solution for people that like the taste of dick, but want to be safe: Dick flavored lube.
Posted by YUUUUUUUP on July 18, 2012 at 10:41 AM · Report this
Ms Chari - KID didn't invite her friend to lunch with her mother; she unilaterally inserted her mother into a lunch date with her friend. Also, not that a warning or preliminary talk is necessary just because someone is meeting a trans person, but, if a word to the wise would have eased the atmosphere, then the apology, especially from the person who brought about the meeting but didn't say anything, certainly wasn't out of order.

At least it seems from the update that more good than anything else seems likely to come of it all.
Posted by vennominon on July 18, 2012 at 11:56 AM · Report this
Dan, do I detect you becoming more judgemental for no good reason lately? First it was that stupid thing about people who date "women and trans men" and now this thing about chocolate-covered cock. Admit it: you're pissing all over flavored sauces for cocks because it isn't to your aesthetic taste, not because there's anything harmful about it. Well guess what? That's the same reason the bigots want to stop you and Terry getting married: because gayness goes against their aesthetic taste. It's one thing to condemn things that are harmful, like barebacking, meth, and poop eating, but saying "you're doing it wrong" for no other reason than personal prejudice is wrong and goes against everything I thought you were trying to teach us. If someone likes blowing flavored cock, they should not be shamed for it!
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on July 18, 2012 at 12:38 PM · Report this
ShifterCat 41
As a monogamish woman married to a man, one use I've found for flavoured lubes is to ameliorate the taste of stale me when I'm getting him ready for Round 2. One of the few that actually tastes nice is this stuff called French Kiss by Joy Division (a company, not the band).
Posted by ShifterCat on July 18, 2012 at 1:55 PM · Report this
Dick-flavored lube. BRILLIANT @38!
Posted by sessie on July 18, 2012 at 2:09 PM · Report this
I don't see the problem with flavored lubes. My BF has a big dick, and while I enjoy its taste, I sometimes need some external lubrication for it to slide smoothly past my lips. (Also, I usually need something to lube up my hand.) Solution? Sliquid flavored lubes. Incidentally, ladies, I'd like to borrow a line from their web site:

"All Sliquid products are formulated by sensitive women, for sensible women, and will never cause yeast infections or UTI's."

In other words, everything is water-based, glycerin-free, and paraben-free. Enjoy.
Posted by brendan on July 18, 2012 at 7:12 PM · Report this
@44 Your parents can (somewhat) accept that your marrying a girl, but not that you have a trans friend? I am assuming that you bf cannot just pass, or this would not be an issue. It seems like your family is at least trying to be supportive, but it takes them a little while to adjust. I would start with the most open minded family member, and introduce them a few at a time to the friend in a casual way, as far ahead of the wedding as possible. Give them a chance to get to know your friend, to see the qualities that make her your best friend. This will also help them stop seeing her as a "trans" person and just see her as your best friend. Having some allies in the family can help you if your dad starts getting out of line. I would also talk to the best friend, she probably has some experience handling drunk people making rude remarks. Explain that you want her to be part of your day, but your dad is obnoxious when drunk. It may not be a situation she wants to put herself in, or she may be willing to deal with it, but she should have some input. Last, I would consider limiting dad's access to alcohol at the wedding/reception.
Posted by tachycardia on July 19, 2012 at 7:13 AM · Report this
@44: I agree with @45 and actually think limiting alcohol at a reception is a great idea. My sister's wedding had an open bar and people behave pretty badly when they have access to as many free cocktails as they like- I'd just go with punch, wine, and/or beer if I were you. Certainly, people can still go too far, but it's not as likely and it's cheaper.
Posted by alguna_rubia on July 19, 2012 at 10:24 AM · Report this
I have to jump in here as a relatively new fan of flavored lube. IT HAS A PURPOSE that has NOTHING to do with flavor. If you're a multi-tasker, eg., hand to mouth and back again, you need lube. And regular lube tastes like shit, I don't care who you are.

It's not about making it dessert, it's about being able to go back and forth while using lubrication that doesn't taste like chemicals. And Wet brand flavored lube is fantastic.
Posted by The Marquise on July 31, 2012 at 7:04 PM · Report this
I don't like flavoured lube, but I think there's a place for flavoured condoms. My main thing isn't that I don't like the taste of DICK (I love it), it's that I don't like the taste of LATEX.
If my boyfriend has been fucking me, and we decide to follow that up with some oral, the taste left behind by a flavoured condom is preferable to that of the taste left behind by one that's unflavoured.
Posted by Honeybadger on August 14, 2012 at 9:39 AM · Report this

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