by Dan Savage
on Fri, Jul 20, 2012 at 3:29 PM
I have been in a straight, monogamous relationship for a little over a year. I have always been the sex partner in this relationship who initiates sexual activity. Despite being open to any and all variations, I am always faced with an excuse as to why intercourse isn't on the menu. Whether it be the "mood," the stress of an impending early work day, or the fact that he's already masturbated, I am almost always met with refusal. When we do have sex, we both enjoy it, and he always comments on the fact that he "doesn't know why he always initially refuses," as he finds sex so enjoyable when he does have it. I find this behavior frustrating and confusing. While I try not to allow it to influence the way I feel about myself, I am beginning to find that difficult. Friends have suggested a porn dependency, infidelity, body issues—something—but none of these things seem to fit. He has suggested that I'm some kind of nymphomaniac and has attempted to paint what in my opinion is a fairly normal desire for intimacy as a sex addiction. I know that sex drives don't necessarily match, and I generally embrace our differences, but I'm starting to feel a little desperate. I have communicated my feelings and have tried to be patient, understanding and willing to talk it out—all to no avail. I'm at a loss. What's up with not getting it up?
Feeling Really Inadequate, Guessing It's Doomed
A sex partner who rarely wants to have sex with you, says infuriating things on those rare occasions when he condescends to have sex with you, and shames you for wanting to have sex at all... is worse than no sex partner at all. DTMFA.
Bonus DTMFA letter after the jump...
I'm currently in my first relationship with a Chinese guy. Normally I wouldnt mention his race but in this case it is a factor in my problem. I did not want to lose my virginity but his constant reactions to my saying no eventually got to me. I am not naturally a sexual person but with him I do end up feeling more sexual than normal. I do not hate sex anymore. He, however, hates oral sex so much and does not like fingering much either because he is disgusted by the liquid that comes out of a girl's vagina. I can't help that it does that! And because of that he only wants to stick his penis in me. I do not feel much from sex and I take a long time to come and he has made it clear that he does not want to put in the effort required to get me off. I am not good at sex myself either because it is my first time and I still cant figure out how to move right. I do my best and I will do oral sex and handjobs for him because I want to see him happy. I do not know what to do, I really care about this boy but my sex life is so unsatisfying and I do not want to be this way for the rest of my life. I like having oral done to me and the same thing with fingering but I dont like it when it is only done for five minutes—which is the maximum length of time he can stand it—and I have talked to him about this a lot but he just gets mad and tells me to stop forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do. He even brings up his last girlfriend. She, he says, did everything he asked without asking for anything in return. I want us to work but I dont know how to deal with this. Is there something I can do? some place I can learn to be better so that I can try to get him to do more for me? He told me to get a vibrator so that he could use it on me but it is not the same as a person's touch. I do not want for him to never touch me if I get one so I am not sure if that is a good idea.
Feeling Totally Neglected
I don't see how this guy's race factors into your problem, FTN. Chinese, Croat, Scot, Turk, Thai, or Kenyan: this guy isn't worthy of your time, your efforts, or your vaginal secretions. But I am going to second his advice and urge you to buy yourself a vibrator. Trust me: a vibrator would be a huge improvement over this selfish, entitled, lying douchebag. (His previous girlfriend did whatever he wanted and asked nothing in return? Really? Have you confirmed that with her?) DTMFA.
Hey, straight female "Savage Love" readers: A lot of you have been there, right? You wasted months or years on some entitled asshole you thought you could fix—a guy who slut-shamed you, a guy who manipulated you—but now you're in solid relationships with decent guys. How did you learn to spot the difference between assholes like the ones FRIGID and FTN are currently wasting their time on and the guys you're with now? Share your hard-earned wisdom with FRIGID and FTN in the comments thread.