by Dan Savage
on Mon, Jul 23, 2012 at 3:56 PM
My girlfriend and I are loyal listeners/readers. Reading "Savage Love" has definitely helped us communicate about our relationship. Since we met things have been really wonderful. Our kinks fit together beautifully, she's accepting of being monogamish, we have an amazing time together in bed and out. The only catch is her best friend and roommate, who she used to date.
Before they moved in together, the best friend demanded that every Sunday night be reserved for just the two of them to hang out. Even when I'd been traveling for work and hadn't seen my girlfriend for a week. Okay, fine, everyone deserves a girl's night without their s/o. But after they moved in together and began seeing each other every day, that practice continued. The ex complains when I spend the night with my girlfriend at her new digs. After the move I was taking my girlfriend out on a date when she got a text from the ex asking where she was and why she wasn't home yet. My girlfriend got so upset we had to call off the date and I took her home to the roommate.
I'm trying to be patient with what looks like controlling behavior, because I came into this relationship open to poly (one of the kinks my gf and I enjoy is D/s play-maybe it's the top in me who resents someone else controlling my girl?) But it's incredibly frustrating to think I could lose this amazing girl if/when her ex decides to issue an ultimatum. Does it look hopeless? I'm head over heels for this girl, and I don't want to come between her and her best friend. But it's really hard to bite back observations about her roommate's hypocrisy (her lovers can practically move in). I don't want to turn into a resentful jerk that makes my girlfriend stressed and unhappy, but the conflicts with her roommate (that I tend to bring on) are already causing her stress.
Am I just being overly sensitive to the roommate's behavior and should chill the fuck out, or is it a red flag that this otherwise perfectly awesome relationship isn't likely to have legs?
My response after the jump...
Your girlfriend is gonna have to decide who's more important to her: her current girlfriend or he ex-girlfriend. And she's gonna have to decide whose feelings are more important to her: her current girlfriend's feelings or her ex-girlfriend's feelings.
But those might not be decisions she has to make right now.
You don't say how long you two have been together and that's an important detail and its omission could be telling. You can't expect to come first if you've only been dating this girl for a few weeks or months. It's generally a bad sign—a sign of emotional immaturity—when a person puts a new/newish girlfriend/boyfriend first; it's an even worse sign when a new/newish girlfriend/boyfriend demands to be put first. Dating is about discovery: you spend time with a person to determine if they're the one you want to put first "for the rest of your life." During this trial period—during the time that falls between a first meeting and a joint decision to make a more serious commitment—your current girlfriend's close friends, family members, and even her manipulative ex may have a stronger and more legitimate claim on her time and attentions than you do.
If it's been less than twelve weeks, FL, then your girlfriend's willingness to prioritize her creepily controlling ex can be excused. But if you've been dating for longer than three months, if you two are very serious about each other and getting more serious every day, and your girlfriend still abandons you whenever her ex snaps her fingers... well, then that's a very bad sign. Your girlfriend may have serious and seriously dysfunctional emotional entanglement with an ex. If that's the case, FL, I see confrontations, ultimatums, broken leases, and other dramas coming your way over the next three-to-six months.
Decide now if your current girlfriend is worth the grief.