Antiques Roadshow Appraises My Rape Whistle


** But what about an illegitimate rape whistle?

Your grandma's explanation is just about the best short, short story I'm going to promise you I'm not going to steal, no matter how tempted I am.
I have an Acme Thunderer from my Fag Scout days, which we used to maintain contact in the wildnerness. Holy fuck we must have annoyed a lot of woodland creatures. Good to know it would buy me a month or so of Corbin Fisher.
Not a nice way to talk about your great-great-aunt, and it is not only beautiful women who are at risk of rape. But I bet San Francisco was a hell of a town back then.
The ACME Thunderer!! The lifeguard's CHOICE for a whistle!!
@2, my Capitol Hill Cub Scout den went orienteering down at Point Defiance Park one fine afternoon and promptly got lost. Not a whistle among us. We were lost kind of a long time.
Cienna's family sounds like mine but with better punchlines. "Somebody might think so" - sounds like home.
Whether priceless or not, I think a photo of your great-aunts whistle would greatly enhance this story.
@5, what, nobody thought of rubbing two sticks together to attract attention?
It was your Great Great Grandmother's rape whistle, honey. She was the one who Waltzed with Ugly. Your great great aunt just wasn't a morning person. Anyway, these days no one needs a rape whistle, just a tighter vagina. Or fluids that dissolve soft male tissue. Or you are lying and it's not legitimate rape as much as vaginal indifference. In that case, I recommend your Second Cousin Twice Removed (and three times inserted) Hump Harmonica. It's less shrill, as a lady should be.
@3, thanks for your finger wagging but see @9. Whoever she was to me, three generations of women have now confirmed that she was goddamn ugly.
Fun story.

FWIW, based on the 5 minutes of internet research I just did, it appears that the risk of being raped does in fact increase with attractiveness.
It's weird how some relict clean/reverent part of me wants to blush at making suggestive comments in front of ciennasmommy, but the lady herself does much to put me at ease.