I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan
My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s, love each other, and live together. We have good sex once a week. I'm a girl with a low libido. But my sweet boyfriend needs more. Every once in a while, he brings up the fact that he'd like to have more sex. This conversation always goes the same way: He tells me, I start crying, he feels terrible for making me cry, we both wind up feeling like shit.
I'm pretty sure that the solution is for me to jump my sexy boyfriend more often. But I don't know how. I know I have an inner vixen buried somewhere inside me. I would appreciate any suggestions you have.
Wanna Want More
My response after the jump...
If you've been to the doc and ruled out a hormonal imbalance, WWM, and made sure that whatever birth-control method you're using isn't decimating your libido, your best bet is to accept that this is the way you work for now—you may surprise yourself when you hit your sexual peak—and find some middle ground.
Let's say your boyfriend wants it four times a week, and you can only "get into it" once a week. I'm not going to tell you that it's as simple as splitting the difference—have sex twice a week! everybody loses!—because that advice, which is standard for couples in your situation, is fucking useless. Inevitably, sex falls back to the frequency preferred by the person with the lower libido—the boyfriend loses!—but having been promised more sex, the higher-libido partner's resentment spikes, there are more tearful talks, and the relationship ends.
Here's what you should do instead: You commit to great sex at least once a week. He deals. But you also commit to making sure your boyfriend is thoroughly milked—with your cheerful assistance—three times a week. You commit to being his full-blown sex partner once a week and his life-size, ambulatory masturbatory aide at least three times a week.
How would that work? Well, let's say you're not up for sex on Wednesday because you had sex last Sunday. But he's horny. So you plop your twat down on his face and let him eat you out while he beats off. It'll take 10 minutes. Then let's say he's horny again on Friday, but you're just not feeling it. So you treat him to a handjob while you rub your tits in his face. Another 10 minutes. And let's say he wakes up horny on Saturday morning. So you sit on the edge of the bed, have him kneel between your open legs, and pull his face into your crotch while you tell him how thoroughly you're going to fuck the shit out of him tomorrow, on Sunday, when you're finally horny again.
As a special bonus, WWM, you may find that once the pressure is off—once you're not expected to have or want sex but only expected to help out your horny boyfriend—your libido occasionally kicks in and you're inspired to jump him. Or not. Either way, you're having great sex at least once a week, and he sees you making a sincere effort to keep his balls drained and him happy. Everybody wins.