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Sunday, September 9, 2012

Slog Mormon Study: Abraham 3:9

Posted by on Sun, Sep 9, 2012 at 7:00 AM

[Slog Bible Study is on hiatus through the November election as we honor Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney by studying the scriptures of his Mormon religion.]

Pearl of Great Price, Abraham 3:9
And thus there shall be the reckoning of the time of one planet above another, until thou come nigh unto Kolob, which Kolob is after the reckoning of the Lord’s time; which Kolob is set nigh unto the throne of God, to govern all those planets which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest.

Discuss.

 

Comments (37) RSS

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tedb310 1
Joseph Smith needed to work more on his King James era grammer. I can't even figure out what he is trying to say.
Posted by tedb310 on September 9, 2012 at 7:20 AM · Report this
Tacoma Traveler 2
Romney cannot become President, because he is so bad at shopping. Why would you buy that Pearl at Great Price, when you can get discounted pearls on the Home Shopping Network?
Posted by Tacoma Traveler on September 9, 2012 at 7:28 AM · Report this
Yoder 3
Looks to me like the Latter-Day Saints are perfectly positioned to make an appeal to fans of "Battlestar Galactica." I'm picturing a billboard with a soft-lit photo of Gaius Baltar, bearing the caption, "Faith: pass it on."
Posted by Yoder http://www.denimandtweed.com on September 9, 2012 at 7:44 AM · Report this
Ernie1 4
"upon which thou standest" LOL!

How can people read this crap and take it seriously? It sounds like its witten for a Saturday Night Live skit or something.

The weird thing is a lot of the people who DO take this crap seriously, appear to be capable and successful in real life......
Posted by Ernie1 on September 9, 2012 at 8:09 AM · Report this
originalcinner 5
I had no idea until recently that Harry Reid was a Mormon. I liked it better when I thought all the the real crazies were on the other side.
Posted by originalcinner on September 9, 2012 at 8:20 AM · Report this
Sargon Bighorn 6
I'm with Ms TedB #1. Just what the hell was that nut trying to say?
Posted by Sargon Bighorn on September 9, 2012 at 8:30 AM · Report this
7
@3 - lol zing!! :D
Posted by subwlf on September 9, 2012 at 8:33 AM · Report this
McJulie 8
Ditto on a big Huh? These Mormon texts are incomprehensible.

Now I'm curious -- Evangelical Protestants make a big deal about reading the Bible, do Mormons do the same thing with their books? And if so, what percentage read, say, "this makes no sense at all!" and leave the religion?
Posted by McJulie on September 9, 2012 at 8:35 AM · Report this
Ziggity 9
It's true: good Mormons don't die, they become a god and get their own planet. Cf. the Osmonds album 'The Plan' released on Kolob Records.
Posted by Ziggity on September 9, 2012 at 8:35 AM · Report this
Goldy 10
@1 It's what makes selecting scripture for these posts so difficult. As with all religions, there are plenty of Mormon beliefs to make fun of, but their scripture is so awfully written it is hard to find a verse that clearly describes any particular belief.
Posted by Goldy on September 9, 2012 at 8:50 AM · Report this
11
@10: or you could just show the South Park Mormon episode...
Posted by Merchant Seaman on September 9, 2012 at 8:55 AM · Report this
12
Wasn't it Mark Twain who called the Book of Mormon 'chlorophorm in print?'
Posted by MyDogBen on September 9, 2012 at 9:00 AM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 13
At least they admit there are planets. Unlike the flat earth Christians.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on September 9, 2012 at 9:01 AM · Report this
14
@3 Glen A. Larsen used many aspects of his Mormon religion in Battlestar Galactica. Not all the Mos in the quorum were exactly thrilled with that.

Goldy - try finding something about the Lamanites. Although depending on how new the version is, you may not find anything, since the newer versions were edited so the could say they were not racist.
And if it is still in print - No Man Knows My History by Fawn Brodie.
Posted by StuckInUtah on September 9, 2012 at 9:15 AM · Report this
Frank Blethen's vodka distiller 15
Kolob? Isn't that close to Romulac?
Posted by Frank Blethen's vodka distiller on September 9, 2012 at 9:17 AM · Report this
Simone 16
Kobol sound so much better.
Posted by Simone on September 9, 2012 at 9:20 AM · Report this
Fred Casely 17
Lamanite=imitation Formica?
Posted by Fred Casely on September 9, 2012 at 9:49 AM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 18
Kolob?

Bollocks!
Posted by Urgutha Forka on September 9, 2012 at 9:52 AM · Report this
19
I remember being forced to read this stuff as a kid growing up and thinking it was boring and mostly incomprehensible. But I sort of figured it was just over my head.

Now, as an adult, I realize that it really is boring and incomprehensible.
Posted by Zeusifer on September 9, 2012 at 9:53 AM · Report this
Yoder 20
@14 —Ah, well, that makes sense. I still wanna see Baltar on a billboard, though.
Posted by Yoder http://www.denimandtweed.com on September 9, 2012 at 10:20 AM · Report this
Knat 21
@15: Whoa, hey, let's not taint something as well-loved as Star Trek with this garbage, even if it's by favorable comparison.
Posted by Knat on September 9, 2012 at 10:29 AM · Report this
22
@21: I thought Romulac was the planet the Coneheads came from
Posted by Merchant Seaman on September 9, 2012 at 10:34 AM · Report this
Cato the Younger Younger 24
What a horrid rendering using the language that Shakespeare used to write the greatest works in English literature.
Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on September 9, 2012 at 11:02 AM · Report this
Cato the Younger Younger 25
And doesn't Kolob sound like a name for one of the planets in the Klingon Empire?
Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on September 9, 2012 at 11:03 AM · Report this
SecretBYUBottomBoy 26
I don't think Reid is an active church-going Mormon, is he?
Posted by SecretBYUBottomBoy on September 9, 2012 at 11:08 AM · Report this
Posted by wisepunk on September 9, 2012 at 11:22 AM · Report this
originalcinner 28
Unlike some, Reid wasn't born a Mormon. He was raised an agnostic and converted to Mormonism while a student.

However, also unlike some, he said, "I think it is much easier to be a good member of the Church and a Democrat than a good member of the Church and a Republican."

I'm only half-appalled now.
Posted by originalcinner on September 9, 2012 at 11:54 AM · Report this
29
Suddenly, I understand the medieval impulse to burn people at the stake.
Posted by Pol Pot on September 9, 2012 at 12:20 PM · Report this
30
Another belief seems to be that a bunch of Mormons traveled to America at the time of the prophet Jeremiah, about 600 BCE (even though the religion wasn't founded until the 1800s CE). No explanation of how they got there. Perhaps they grew wings and flew across the ocean.

Comparing this craziness to the much-lower-grade "god died for our sins" craziness of the standard Christian, I'd take the latter believer as President.
Posted by sarah70 on September 9, 2012 at 1:09 PM · Report this
Chef Thunder 31
@30 are you kidding me? How is this less cray cray then; dude turning water into wine, feeding lots of people with a small amount of bread and fish, crackers & wine turn into flesh and blood while you eat, God kills the first born of the people who are enslaving you.

The thing I like about this series is how it shines a light on just how nuts all religions are. Again I really wouldn’t care except for the fact that these people try and impose their religious beliefs on the rest of us.
Posted by Chef Thunder on September 9, 2012 at 3:01 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 32
Did they know Pope Callixtus III excommunicated Haley's comet?
Posted by Pope Peabrain on September 9, 2012 at 3:21 PM · Report this
originalcinner 33
Allegedly excommunicated. But he was still kind of a jerk anyway.
Posted by originalcinner on September 9, 2012 at 4:53 PM · Report this
Rob in Baltimore 34
Omicron Persei 8 is where I want to go.
Posted by Rob in Baltimore http://www.wishbookweb.com/ on September 9, 2012 at 5:18 PM · Report this
35
This Kolob is apparently the part of a person most resistant to change, their animal nature, probably the cerebellum. One planet on another is using lower and higher thoughts together, what Judaism and Christianity called the "spirit" that LDS calls "intelligences."

What's really puzzling is how the hell this relates to private property and good rulers being divine mandates.
Posted by LewisT on September 9, 2012 at 7:32 PM · Report this
Knat 36
@22: So it is. I didn't recognize it. Carry on, then!
Posted by Knat on September 9, 2012 at 9:06 PM · Report this
37
For your viewing pleasure,

"The Mormons" (240 minutes)
http://www.pbs.org/mormons/view/
Posted by ac6752 on September 10, 2012 at 2:37 AM · Report this
Baby Blue 38
My prayers have been answered! Thanks, Goldy!
Posted by Baby Blue on September 10, 2012 at 9:25 AM · Report this

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