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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Modern Love

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Sep 26, 2012 at 12:35 PM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published May 15, 2008:

I'm a 31-year-old man and my girlfriend is 28. We've been in a monogamous relationship for four years. Recently we've been doing the long-distance thing, and we're going to be doing it until I can move from Canada to the United States. This is our problem: She brought up the idea of an open relationship until I get down there. I said okay—trying to be GGG—and 24 hours later called back and reneged.

Dan, I can't stand the idea of another guy with her. I can't. I trust her and I believe that she would only be after the sex—but the idea of another guy doing anything to her drives me nuts. I've read that open relationships just don't work for some people. But I also believe in being able to improve yourself. Is my jealousy a negative trait that I can get over?

Help me be modern!

Confused In Canada

My response after the jump...

Help you be modern, CIC? But there's nothing premodern about your feelings, no area where you require "improvement," nothing you need to get over.

Look, kiddo, there's a difference between being a jealous asshole and being a self-aware sex partner. Asking your girlfriend to remain monogamous until you get your ass down to the U.S.? That's just stating a sexual preference, if I may repurpose that phrase. A sincere desire to be your girlfriend's one and only sex partner should not be confused with something as base as jealousy. Jealousy is not trusting your girlfriend when she's out of your sight; it's flipping out when other men notice her; it's making furious and baseless accusations of cheating. Jealousy is controlling/manipulative/abusive behavior masquerading as insecurity. Jealousy is a poison. And you're not jealous, just monogamous.

Open relationships are great—ahem—but they're not for everyone. Some folks aren't built to share a sex partner, don't want to share, and consequently shouldn't share. We're talking sex partners here, CIC, not large pizzas or pot stashes—a reluctance to share is not evidence of a character flaw. Yours is an alternate lifestyle choice, CIC, one that, while I don't fully understand, I do fully support.

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Props for trying your best, CIC! As one who is decidedly polyamorous, but seeing another who is achingly monogamous, I feel for you and I think I have a good idea about what you're facing.

Problem is that she's far away from you and the timing is just shit. Key with opening up is you have to give it a try when you're both feeling safe and secure with each other -- well, or at the get-go. I would trust my gut if I were you. If you want to try being open in the future, wait until you're more stable and can try it in little pieces rather than risk the whole relationship.

Posted by PinkieB on September 26, 2012 at 1:34 PM

I'm sure this metamorphosis doesn't apply to everyone, but I couldn't stand the thought of my wife being with anyone else either. But I knew I had to buck up and accept it with a smile if I wanted the open marriage I was craving.

A couple of years and some intense emotional bumps later, hearing about her/watching her with another man is now my deepest, hottest kink. I was not expecting that.

But we did start from a position of strength, and probably wouldn't have made it work if we hadn't. Insecurity's a bitch.

Posted by LateBloomer on September 26, 2012 at 2:01 PM

Thank god for speed dial. That one day of "okay" was enough to clear his head and let him know what he really felt. Good thing he called her back and told her right away.

I'd guess the challenge now is whether their talking about sex with others is going to be a problem for either of them. The door was open momentarily and then closed again. For me, I think the one big thing that keeps me loyal to my husband is that I can (as can he) openly speak about what or whomever winds my clock. We have an ongoing thing about a neighbor guy, mainly my fantasy, that he indulges, and it's just that - talk - but it takes away some of the edge to have the freedom to open up like that.

Posted by milemarker on September 26, 2012 at 2:30 PM

@2. Good point. I think there's evidence that that initial desire to keep things exclusive is a phase of a relationship that has difference faces for both straight and gay relationships. When gay guys partner the start out building trust and loyalty by being exclusive to each other but over time, things loosen up from a small extent to a large extent, depending on the couple. Some do *exactly* like you and develop an intense fantasy about their partner doing it with another guy that is like rocket fuel exploding (me, for example). It can progress into actual outside contact, but it doesn't always. So it's like a series of phases starting at exclusivity and evolving into, well, who knows where. It depends on the couple.

Posted by milemarker on September 26, 2012 at 2:41 PM

> we're going to be doing it until I can move from Canada to the United States...She brought up the idea of an open relationship until I get down there.

Realistically, I'd bet she cheated on him. The cultural barrier to raising the possibility of an open relationship is high, so the fact that she brought it up means it was seriously on her mind.

Assuming they were going to be apart for an indefinite but long amount of time, my advice to him would have been to break up with her, but stay friends. Then see about getting back together once they were geographically near each other again.

Posted by EricaP on September 26, 2012 at 3:30 PM

oh come on, she's already found someone she's interested in and thats why she brought it up. you already said yes and she's likely already done it and if not, she's planning it. I'm sorry to have to be the bearer of the bad news, but human nature is what it is.

Posted by slohandave on September 26, 2012 at 6:36 PM

I'd suggest making a silicone mold of your dick (get the vibrator variety), mailing it to her with instructions to go out with her girlfriends, flirt it up with men she's attracted to, and then go home and masturbate like crazy with your cock-copycat. It's making the best of a bad situation.

Posted by The fag on September 27, 2012 at 7:55 AM