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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Suddenly Soft

Posted by on Wed, Oct 17, 2012 at 12:47 PM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back November 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published October 9, 2008:

My boyfriend always goes soft after he penetrates me. He's come in me only a handful of times—and I'm a bottom! When it comes to oral, he doesn't have trouble staying hard. Even more curious: The guy is only 21! Can someone that young really have "erectile dysfunction"? We've tried cock rings, and they don't help: He can keep his hard-on for a little longer (enough time to get inside me without getting soft), but it doesn't take long for him to get soft again. Dan, what do you think is going on? He'll be super-hard when I'm sucking him off, then I'll start jerking him a bit, then he'll get inside me, and then a very short while later he's soft. Is there anything we can do? Does he have ED?

Lover Is Missing Poundings

My response after the jump...

Your boyfriend is hard during oral sex and when you jerk his cock, LIMP, and only loses his erection when he's in your ass or about to go in. Hmm. That doesn't sound like ED to me—there's no such thing as "act-specific ED"—but more like YBDLAS, or "your boyfriend doesn't like anal sex."

Your boyfriend may feel pressure to perform, LIMP, as being fucked is important to you. (Please tell me that he's coming inside a condom when he comes inside you.) And he may feel some pressure to conform. Anal sex among gay men has been elevated to the status of vaginal sex among straight men, LIMP, in that it's somehow become the defining sex act, despite the fact that roughly a quarter of all gay men don't enjoy and don't indulge in anal sex. Your boyfriend may be one of those guys, but he's too inhibited to tell you how he feels because, hey, it's buttfucking and he's gay and all gay men are buttfuckers and if he doesn't enjoy buttfucking then he's some sort of defective gay buttfucker.

Tell him he doesn't have to do it if he doesn't enjoy it and, for the time being at least, you're taking anal off the menu—lifting the pressure off his shoulders and dick. Focus on the stuff that works for him right now: oral and JO. And remember, LIMP, if he's coming in your mouth, he's still coming inside you.

 

Comments (16) RSS

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2
I'm one of those gays who never does buttfucking. I understand the pressure and the "norm".
Posted by Falcor on October 17, 2012 at 1:45 PM · Report this
brandon 3
He could just be nervous but really wants to have some butt lovin'. Performance anxiety happens. Biggest thing: DON'T RUSH, Try more foreplay and make sure he not just hard, but REALLY hard and close to orgasm before he tries to stick it in (with a condom of course). It may take an hour or two before he's really ready for some penetration. Watch porn together. Not all boners are the same and he may not be at his full mast. Try it this way a few times so he can get used to being hard inside of you. Also use plenty of lube and try thinner condoms, I know babeland sells some excellent swedish ones that are much better than trojans/durex.

Also make sure that you are properly loosened up. A vice grip isn't always a good thing. Practice with toys doesn't hurt (figuratively speaking). Viagra might help, but I would avoid drugs, especially if he is so young. If he wants to try it, TALK TO HIS DOCTOR, don't try to get it on the black market. Dr. might be able to give him a sample to try once to see if it can get him over the psychological hurdle.
Posted by brandon on October 17, 2012 at 2:15 PM · Report this
4
You could be too tight, or too loose, for him to maintain his erection.
Posted by pigfister on October 17, 2012 at 3:55 PM · Report this
secretagent 5
How about toys for you? Obviously it might not be a long term solution if you need him to fuck you to stay with him, but it might help relieve some pressure and provide the penetration you're looking for in the short term. Nobody lasts forever or has a perfect record, so toys are always a good thing to have around for me.
Posted by secretagent on October 17, 2012 at 4:24 PM · Report this
6
I've been with some guys who have the same issue with vaginal. It's really pissing me off, because I want to get fucked, dammit!
Posted by Gamebird on October 17, 2012 at 5:16 PM · Report this
7
I clicked on the link, to see what the comments to the original posting were, and found out this: It's not the right link!

Through the miracle of site search, I found out the original column was actually October 22, 2009.
Posted by Brooklyn Reader on October 17, 2012 at 5:53 PM · Report this
8
Assuming there isn't a huge age difference here, I'd like to cross-examine the LW about his claim of being "a bottom". Maybe he really is at that age, and maybe he's claiming the role as hard as he can as a Get Out of GGG Card.
Posted by vennominon on October 17, 2012 at 5:54 PM · Report this
Tim Horton 9
Two potential causes:

He may need firm pressure to maintain erections and to cum. You can get fairly firm pressure from oral and hand jobs, but anal can become surprising loose past the opening.

Other obvious issue is he is putting on a condom for fucking but not for oral. LW would have probably mentioned this.
Posted by Tim Horton on October 17, 2012 at 5:55 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 10
If he does like anal, and loses it anyway, the LW's butt is probably too tight. Pushing through a vise-like anus, versus a totally flexible (pressure-wise) mouth can be a real boner killer, then trying to remain hard with said vise ring squeezing one's dick can actually pump the blood *out* of an erection. Then there's the 'tight opening and nothing beyond' problem that exists with all anal sex. Having had both vagina and anal sex, I still say vagina feels the best on a dick. It's a pity I'm not attracted to the bodies that have vaginas....sigh.
If he gets hard enough to penetrate, he should pull completely out, and back in for awhile. This can loosen a tight hole, and provide some serious sensation.
Posted by OutInBumF on October 17, 2012 at 8:22 PM · Report this
12
It's like shooting pool with a rope.

I don't have anything intelligent to add, just always thought was a really funny phrase.
Posted by Global Traveler on October 17, 2012 at 8:48 PM · Report this
13
@9: Yeah, LW probably would've mentioned it if they were using condoms, but anyway: My boyfriend used to have this problem, and then we realized our condoms were too small. We switched to the XL ones, problem solved.
Posted by Belle Starr on October 17, 2012 at 9:13 PM · Report this
14
where is it suggested that the writer is male? I'm not seeing it.
Posted by happyhedonist on October 17, 2012 at 11:15 PM · Report this
Noadi 15
@14 It's suggested when he wrote "and I'm a bottom!". That isn't a phrase a straight girl is going to use about receiving anal sex.
Posted by Noadi http://noadi.net on October 18, 2012 at 12:00 AM · Report this
16
I have a problem maintaining an erection for fucking and for me the cause is obvious: with a condom, I don't get enough stimulation to stay hard. Yes, I've tried all types and styles of condoms, and the Female Condom works best, but doesn't suit my style of fucking. I will still be safe though.

The following things help me: dirty talk, Crown Skinless Skin condoms ($20/100 on Amazon), and refraining from masturbation.
I'm also pretty sure being more aerobically fit would help, too.
Posted by vab251 on October 18, 2012 at 10:49 AM · Report this
secretagent 17
Would masturbation *with* a condom help matters? Stands to reason that a dick accustomed to getting off without them might need some retraining.
Posted by secretagent on October 19, 2012 at 10:41 AM · Report this
18
I've had this issue my entire adult life. I guess you could say that by nature I'm a top, having a somewhat paternal, more controlling and dominant personality. Guys who are attracted to me, and who I feel compliment me tend to be on the opposite side. It's been a problem that I don't like anal sex, which is too bad, because otherwise, I'm quite a pervert. I've never been able to view the anus, at least on the inside, in a sexual way. When I was younger, I'd do it anyway because I wanted to satisfy my lover, and I felt it was expected of me, but I could never cum. And I never enjoyed it. Then I decided I'd rather not play in the sandbox at all than to encounter the surprises one can find in there.
Posted by easyguy on October 20, 2012 at 12:11 PM · Report this

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