My hands-down fave new show of last year—American Horror Story— kicked off its second WAY GRUESOME season last night—and holy mother of you know who... it was an insane whopper! Did you see it? Do you need some decompression time in regards to the copious amounts of blood, lesbianism, eye retractors, insane people with buck teeth, and naked bottoms? WELL, LET'S CHITTY-CHAT ABOUT IT! Tons of spoilery fun after the jump!
- Courtesy FX
- "I'M not the crazy one wearing some kind of weird outfit! YOU'RE the... wait."
This week's episode: "Welcome to Briarcliff"... and here's what I'm thinking...
1) I'm so glad I dumped that former girlfriend who likes to visit creepy, moldy, filthy haunted places and have sex in them. I'm also so glad I'm not Adam Levine. I mean he gets his arm ripped off, AND he has to sit close to Christina Aguilera? That's just too much.
2) Flashback! It's 1964, and while Don Draper is banging models and getting drunk at noon back in Manhattan, a young gas station attendant and his black wife are getting anally probed by aliens. LOOK GUYS. There are better ways to protest interracial relationships. (Those pre-abduction sex scenes were wicked hot though, huh?)
3) For some weird reason nobody believes Gas Station Attendant (heretofore referred to as Gas Station Tate) was too busy being anally probed by E.T. to slice up a bunch of people, so he's committed to Briarcliff INSAAAAAANE Asylum where Sister Jude (the sassy-pantsed Jessica Lange) rules the roost with a sadistic Catholic charm. Tate is also given the nickname "Bloody Face." Personally, I think he looks more like a "Pudding Face," but tomato-tomahto.
4) Dude! This Briarcliff place is KA-RAAAZY! And is stacked and packed with a poop-ton of castmembers from Tod Browning's Freaks. Naturally this makes lesbian reporter Lana Winters (Sarah Polley) very suspicious, and she vows to infiltrate the asylum, interview Bloody Face, and lesbian, lesbian, lesbian. Did we mention she's a lesbian?
5) Oh, and Chloe Sevigny is the resident nymphomaniac. Niiiiice.
6) Meet Dr. Arthur Arden (James Cromwell), the staff Nazi scientist. Okay, maybe he's not a Nazi, but he probably is. Creator Ryan Murphy isn't exactly known for subtlety. He's doing some crazy experiment that involves plants, raw meat, and cutting up patients' brains and making them disappear. He also collects ceramic owls, and loves long walks on the beach. No, he doesn't.
7) Sister Jude haaaates Dr. Arden, but she's also hot for the Monsignor who wants to keep the Doc around for reasons I can only assume are evil. So she keeps her lip zipped and takes out her fury on Lesbian (did we mention she's a lesbian?) Lana by tricking her lover into institutionalizing her, with the intention of sucking every ounce of lesbianism out of her lesbian body. LESBIAN.
8) Dr. Arden gets to work on Gas Station Bloody Face Tate, and if he wasn't a Bloody Face before, he certainly will be now. Also I believe Dr. Arden is a Nazi alien.
9) FLASH FORWARD back to Christina Aguilera's armless co-judge and his now-sorry-she-gets-so-horny-in-haunted-houses wifey. She dashes off to get help, finds she's locked inside the asylum—and oh... hello... I was wondering if you could help me with my... AAAAAHHH!!! BLOOOOODY FAAAAAAACE!!!
10) And... scene.
11) Jesus Christ, that was a jam-packed episode of creepy, frenzied introductions! While not as sharp as last year's AHS premiere, Murphy and the gang have a lot of extra characters to deal with, and a lot of ground to cover this season—so I'll allow this one disjointed episode. (Besides, it was plenty gross, sexy, fun, and over the top which I do so enjoy.) WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS EPISODE? Answer in the comments, and to insure I read every one, I'll put on my eyelid retractors.
- Courtesy FX
- "This is lesbian reporter Lana Lesbian reporting live for L.E.Z.B.O. TV! Back to you, LESBIAN."