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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Ouch

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Oct 24, 2012 at 11:46 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back November 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published December 17, 2009:

I'm a straight man, age 26. I was just dumped by a married couple. The wife was very sadistic, and the husband did not enjoy pain. When we got together, she would hurt me (TT, CBT, flogging) before fucking him. The wife asked if I wanted to play alone sometime, and I said yes. When she asked her husband and told him that she had already checked with me and I was willing, he said that I had violated our agreement. It isn't easy finding people into SM where we live—the Bible Belt of Canada—and playing alone was her idea, not mine. What do I do?

Dumped Up North

My response is after the jump...

You move. The husband is blaming you because it's less consequential than blaming the wife. But he's clearly not comfortable—FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST!—having your black-and-blue ass around anymore, due to the wife's actions, and so you're out. Unfair, yes, but there's not a lot you can do about it. Besides move.

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Dan is right, as usual.
If the husband isn't comfortable with your presence anymore, it really is best for you just to leave. He might be worried that her wanting to play alone with you is the first step towards him losing her. Speaking from previous experience, I wish that I had told my boundary transgressing 3rd to butt out before my then BF dumped me for the 3rd.
It would be interesting to know how this turned out for the couple involved. If she's kinky and he's not, I wonder how this turned out in the end.

Posted by GoodOmens on October 24, 2012 at 12:16 PM

"I wish that I had told my boundary transgressing 3rd to butt out before my then BF dumped me for the 3rd."

Why blame the 3rd, when it's your BF who decided to dump you? Do you think if the third hadn't been there, you and your BF would still be together? Are they still together today?

Posted by EricaP on October 24, 2012 at 12:56 PM

I can't really blame Husband for feeling that he was getting edged out, and for yanking the emergency brake, though I fail to see how Letter Writer was the one who violated any agreements. If anybody violated agreements by trying to push the envelope, it was Wife.

Maybe Letter Writer should have been smart enough to tell wife "Wait and see how Husband reacts to you before bringing me into the discussion" rather than "Yeah, I'd like that," but I doubt the outcome would have been any different, even if it hadn't been a case of the two lovers conspiring behind the husband's back. The moment it got as far as asking Letter Writer how he felt about it and Letter Writer answering that "Yeah, now that you mention it, actually I _would_ like some time with Wife all to myself," that would be Husband's cue to call a halt because he was being edged out of the picture.

Alternately, husband should ask wife for permission to find a girlfriend for himself, so he too can go find third party play that is a) to his liking, and b) doesn't involve Wife. Turnabout is fair play.

Posted by avast2006 on October 24, 2012 at 2:38 PM

Moral of this story is: talk to your primary before asking your secondary if they'd like more from you.

Posted by alguna_rubia on October 24, 2012 at 9:23 PM

Other moral of the story is: even if it's not your fault, as the 3rd you will be the one leaving if anything goes wrong.

Sure it's the wife's fault, but she's also the wife, and you're just the 3rd. In a way she is getting punished worse than you. You are free to go find another playmate, and she is stuck married to a non-kinky husband who has just (temporarily we hope) outlawed kinky outlets.

Posted by spinning on October 25, 2012 at 8:30 AM