SL Letter of the Day: 60-Year-Old Virgin


hell, just take out a personal ad, lay it all out there, and watch women line up to fuck you.

I wish there was a follow up to this one.
Jesus. That is depressing.
I completely understand how one can come to a situation of being a virgin at 60.
I'm gay and not a virgin but haven't had sex in 8 years and never had a boyfriend.

It's just that you cease to bother with it and it becomes a normal mode of functioning. You forget how to talk to people let alone how to talk to people in an effort to become intimate.

This is far more banal and often than the occurrence of autism or any specific pathology.
I suspect there are more people like this out there than you might think, perhaps even especially among the ostensibly promiscuous gay population. If you didn't feel safe coming out in any fashion until you were securely employed and on your own in your early twenties, and you were scared (and scarred) early in the AIDS epidemic by the loss of people you knew and loved, it could be pretty easy to keep putting off a first relationship "just a little longer."

I know; I was headed that way for a number of years. I remember being shocked into a change of behavior after hearing a radio interview with a man in his eighties. It was long enough ago that his orientation wasn't discussed, but he said that he was trim and active and in good health, got along well with people and others seemed to enjoy his company, but he had "never been touched intimately by another human being" and despaired of ever having that experience. He said, "I never intended it that way. It just happened."

That's kind of an extreme case of a "How'd That Happen?!" scenario, but I can see it. With every milestone that passes—30's, 40's, 50's—it just seems more and more unbelievable and ridiculous. Broadcast standards being what they were at the time, I guess, there was no mention of counseling or sexual surrogacy, and the story just kind of ground to a halt with the unspoken implication that his goose was cooked.

If you think you'd be embarrassed opening up to somebody else now, just imagine admitting in your eighties to yourself, if no one else, that you were too afraid to risk rejection.

Worst-case scenario, however mortified you may be, you'll live to be smitten by another person on another day.

Also: never gossip about someone like this who takes a chance on you. There are few higher compliments than being asked.
I can easily see how this would happen. I am almost fifty and while I have been touched intimately by another human being, that happened late, did not last very long and is now almost twenty years ago.

I do pay for sex as a substitute, though. If I did not I would probably go crazy.
I'm so relieved you advised the LW to go to a doctor first. Whether it's a form of autism or simply a rigid case of stick-to-his-guns stubbornness, it IS depressing to know that he would object to getting over the hump (or lack of humping) simply because he had to pay for it. A kind, older surrogate would do wonders to open his eyes to the possibilities that still lie ahead of him. And, if he doesn't think he owes it to himself, he certainly owes it to his future partner(s).
@4 I agree. I'm far from a virgin and I'm not clueless, but I had a traumatic experience and didn't get out much for awhile. Then, when I did start going out again it was hard to pick up where I left off. If you don't use it you lose it. That's why I've joined a few groups, such as a book club- just so I don't become a shut-in and forget completely how to make new friends. It might not get me laid tonight, but it will pay off at some point.
You should also consider that you are depressed. That seems far more likely than autism (sorry Dan).