Alleged Puppy-Punching: A 19-year-old Ethel man was arrested yesterday on suspicion of first degree animal cruelty and underage possession of alcohol after allegedly punching a puppy in the face and throwing it against a tree. If convicted, the suspect will be known as a (insert expletive phrase).
Musseled: A Marysville driver is facing a possible felony after his second arrest for allegedly hauling a boat with zebra mussels aboard into Washington State via I-90. Zebra muscles are known to be damn nuisances, clogging drains and covering docks. Department of Fish and Wildlife officers ordered the recreational boat to be decontaminated of its 100 or so zebra mussels by a "hot-water spray."
Oh Snap: An Alaska Marine Highway ferry worker was hurt after a cable snapped on a loading ramp and she fell twenty feet, landing on the ramp at the Bellingham Cruise Terminal. While no one saw how she landed, witnesses say she appeared to have hurt her back in a reminder that shit happens.
Stolen Booze Sting: Four people were arrested for allegedly buying stolen liquor in a Seattle Police sting. Police recovered 457 bottles of booze from one suspect's house. The sting began after a "prolific alcohol thief was arrested" in September, admitting he stole up to $40,000 in booze each month. Facing felony prison time, the thief turned informant and led the cops to his customers. None of the four people have been charged as of yet.
A Bill to Bear: The Greek Orthodox patriarchate is threatening to close the Church of the Holy Sepulchre to protest the $2.1 million it owes an Israeli water company. Since the Holy Sepulchre is thought to be the site of Christ's crucifixion and resurrection, the Greek Orthodox Church argues that the site is too holy for water fees.
Rebels Rebels: Syrian rebels began a campaign to seize a key airbase in Taftanaz with rocket launchers and mortars. With the base, rebels seek to gain an advantageous position allowing them to survey the skies between Damascus and Aleppo, the country's two largest cities.
Foreign Affair: A Secret Service agent killed himself after a fellow agent told higher-ups about his colleague's long-term affair with a Mexican woman. The agent who told on the married man was being investigated for his own affair with Columbian prostitutes in preparing for President Obama's visit to Cartegena last April. The agency is stingy with its agents' relationships with foreign citizens, viewing them as potential national security risks.
Oh Frack: A scientist for the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection did not report the full range of toxic metals found in wells near fracking sites. The findings are being used as part of a lawsuit involving seven plaintiffs sickened by the drinking water.
Here is a metaphor for what fracking does to drinking water illustrated by the meeting of a train and a water truck: