OMG, somebody please just put a bullet in me! The polls are in, and Hillary Clinton and Chris Christie are their respective parties' 2016 presidential favorites in New Hampshire! Sisyphus had it easy.

Crybaby. President Obama tears up while thanking his campaign staff. I betcha that's something a President Romney never would've done. (You know... thanked his staff.)

Lemmings. Lawmakers say there's a renewed, post-election urgency to avoid plunging off the fiscal cliff. Yeah. Sure. Whatever. I mean, austerity has worked so well for the Greeks, why shouldn't we try it here?

Loser. Despite telling reporters that his math says he'll win, Republican Rob McKenna is still trailing Democrat Jay Inslee in Washington's governor's race, and by pretty much the same margin.

Government can't do anything right. Except, you know, restore New York City's storm-devastated subway system faster than anyone thought possible.

When will government stop infringing on our personal freedoms? First they come for our giant octopuses, next they'll come for our guns.

I know somebody who was clearly descended from apes. Charles Darwin received nearly 4,000 write-in votes against Congressman Paul Broun (R-GA), who had famously derided evolution as "lies straight from the pit of hell."

A very attractive candidate. Actress Ashley Judd refused to rule out a 2014 challenge to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY).

Quick, somebody bash him in the head with a ballot box! Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad, in the middle of a bloody civil war, told Russian television that his fate can only be decided "through the ballot boxes."

And finally, I would've tacked on a video, but Dan already posted them all.