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Thursday, November 15, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Oral Report

Posted by on Thu, Nov 15, 2012 at 10:16 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published March 29, 2007:

I am a recently married 30-year-old straight guy. My wife is great, and in fact, I have a baby on the way. My relationship with my wife is a good one. We married for all the right reasons after a long "courtship." My problem lies with my addiction, if you will, to receiving head from a particular male. He performs his work with a level of skill that no one has ever matched. My cock is above average in size, closing in on 10 inches. The guy performs wonders; it's mind-boggling. As much as I would like to quit this activity, it is just so good that I can't. I don't go around looking for others. I have an exclusive arrangement with him. I walk in, unzip, get off, and go. My wife doesn't like to perform oral sex, and when she does, she won't really take more than the tip. In fact, I have never met a woman who can perform as well as this guy.

Tell me, am I laying the groundwork for ruining my marriage and family? It is understood with this guy that this is a private thing between us, no one knows, and I trust him on this. I've been seeing him for this service, and only this, for a few years now. But since I married, I'm struggling with my needs. Give me your thoughts, Dan.

Deep Dickin' Dude

My response after the jump...

Oh dear.

As much I hate to come between a gay brother and closing-in-on-10-inches of straight cock, DDD, you must stop seeing this wonder-performing, mind-boggling cumdump. I admire your finely honed sense of right and wrong, to say nothing of your ability to accept blowjobs from a dude while still identifying as straight (seriously—I do admire that), but your myopia on one aspect of this arrangement seems, well, I'll be charitable and say thoughtless. Two more drinks and I'd be calling your myopia willful and you dishonest.

Surely, DDD, you realize that while you enjoy an exclusive arrangement with him, it's highly unlikely that he enjoys an exclusive arrangement with you. The kind of gay man who gets off on orally servicing a straight man—the straight guy walks in, unzips, gets off, and goes, no reciprocation, no American Idol gossip (Sanjaya? Pro? Con?)—typically doesn't limit himself to one frustrated, head-deprived straight man. You're probably just one of the many men your cumdump currently services.

Which means, DDD, that every time you get a blowjob from this guy, you're placing your wife—your pregnant wife—at risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about scary ol' HIV; blowjob-giver to blowjob-receiver transmission of HIV is practically unheard of. What we do hear about, however, and what you should be concerned with is, oh, oral gonorrhea, oral syphilis, herpes, and, of course, cooties. And guess what? Not only are you placing your wife at risk of contracting an STI, DDD, you're also placing your unborn child at risk. Didja know that syphilis can work its way through the placenta and infect a fetus? You do now. Explaining an acquired-outside-the-relationship STI to the wife is never fun. Explaining a baby born with syphilis—and, oh, blind and brain damaged—to the wife is, well, I don't know what it is. Except for something you want to avoid at all costs—including the cost of those spectacular blowjobs.

 

Comments (15) RSS

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Cato the Younger Younger 1
Well...bullshit on the 10 inches and bullshit on pretty much the rest of it as well. It sounds like something from Penthouse Forum
Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on November 15, 2012 at 10:44 AM · Report this
lizlemon 2
An addiction to getting your dick sucked? Riiiiiiiight. I'm sure every dude must be suffering from addiction then.
Posted by lizlemon on November 15, 2012 at 10:48 AM · Report this
3
Tell me, am I laying the groundwork for ruining my marriage and family?Yes. But you didn't need an advice column for that, now, did you?
Posted by seeker6079 on November 15, 2012 at 10:54 AM · Report this
4
Ahhhh, a classic one-hitter from Dan circa 2007. Sometimes I think the Bush administration gave you the internal fire and fury to knock that shit out of the park every time. Well-put. Too bad there's no way the guy took your advice.
Posted by dchari on November 15, 2012 at 10:59 AM · Report this
5
I totally agree. I mean, it's unfortunate that the dude's wife doesn't do head very well, but damn, bring it up to her. There are ways to learn. And yeah, this guy is TOTALLY straight. Too bad he never mentions how he got into the bj situation with this guy.
Posted by biandfine on November 15, 2012 at 11:07 AM · Report this
6
How could you possibly marry someone who is bad at oral sex.

I wouldn't marry: a junkie, a republican, the list goes on and on so I'll quit there but dear "Bob" how do you marry someone who doesn't know what to do with your cock?
Posted by SifuMark on November 15, 2012 at 11:17 AM · Report this
7
@6: I'm sorry but how do you get from "not great at giving head" to "doesn't know what to do with his cock"? Maybe she has the best pussy in the world, or gives awesome handjobs or whatever. And if he is in fact larger than average in dick-size, it could simply be a physical limitation on her part. Some people have small mouths and narrow throats.
Posted by Friendstastegood on November 15, 2012 at 11:26 AM · Report this
rob! 8
I remember this. I wish Dan had asked him if he ever fantasized, while getting head, that HE was the one on his knees and whether that might have been contributing to his "mind-boggling" orgasms. Fellatio is a highly-mirror-neuron-oriented thing; it's why gay guys and [unconflicted] bi guys most often masturbate themselves while giving head or prefer to be sixty-nining rather than just sitting passively.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on November 15, 2012 at 11:50 AM · Report this
rob! 9
(...unless there's also a strong dom/sub element to the interaction.)
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on November 15, 2012 at 11:51 AM · Report this
10
ok so what if he's wearing a condom?
Posted by metanymity on November 15, 2012 at 1:56 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 11
@10- but he's not. You can take that one to the bank.
Posted by OutInBumF on November 15, 2012 at 2:24 PM · Report this
Lizajane 12
Wearing a condom hahahahahaaaa!
Posted by Lizajane on November 15, 2012 at 3:49 PM · Report this
Lizajane 13
Yeah my first husband tried to tell me he was straight after I found out he liked fucking guys in the assets. I love my gay friends I just don't want to share my husband with them, so I left him. I think he had a sex change.....
Posted by Lizajane on November 15, 2012 at 3:53 PM · Report this
14
Nice and forceful after the missteps of the opening sentence. A straight-chaser, while a human being with as many rights as anyone else, is not a gay brother, and a gay brother would not hold the straightness of anyone's member as a virtue.
Posted by vennominon on November 15, 2012 at 6:48 PM · Report this
15
Oral is standard but asking a partner to deepthroat is unfair. This said as someone who has a sensitive gag reflex but likes getting a deepthroat BJ. And getting deepthroated isn't that common among gay guys either, especially when you're longer than average.

@13 said her "straight" husband fucked guys in the assets. Was he in financial services? :-)

I think the new 99% catchphrase should be "let's fuck them in the assets." Best typo this week!
Posted by delta35 on November 16, 2012 at 8:19 AM · Report this

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