Breaking Dawn, Part 2: Sweet Relief


Bella should have used birth control or gotten a damn abortion. Steph Meyers, good little Mormon, couldn't write that story. Better to have the mother die in childbirth and, moreover, WANT to die in childbirth.
I would be interested to know whether you would rather watch all the Twilight films again or attend another Republican National Convention. I suppose there is the possibility of real drama at the convention, but the villains are far more frightening.
The Twilight films are why Rifftrax exists, and probably the only way to watch the films at all. God knows that's why I'm actually kind of excited by this.

Oh the humanity!
There are days when I seriously ponder which crime it was that Paul Constant committed that earned him both the election and Twilight beats. Does he stab his eyes with forks at the end of some days?
Michael Sheen in the second movie, was it? The one where Pattinson gets his face cracked open like stone when the big guy that played Colossus in X-Men smashed him into the ground. Sheen in the end being a complete lunatic was the best thing. Whenever he plays raving idiots like he did in this and Tron, I could watch all day.
I believe Richard Mourdock said it best:
"I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of a young girl being impregnated by a blood-sucking undead monstrosity, that it is something that God intended to happen."
This series is like a hard drug. You decide to check it out just once, to "have the experience" and know what all the fuss is about, knowing full well what could happen, how the stories you've heard could become yours. But you watch it. You watch the whole first movie, and you can't stop laughing at the ridiculous makeup, the not even halfhearted acting, the bad special effects. But then afterwards you think, "Well, the first movie was pretty bad, but I really should see if the next one is any better or worse. It's supposed to all be pretty terrible, so the next movie should be just as much fun, right?" And before you know it, you've watched all of them, multiple times, because you have to show your friends just how bad it is.

And then, one day, your husband comes home earlier than you expected, and he finds you watching it without irony. And he's aghast, furious, betrayed. He rants about how this isn't the real you, not the woman he knows, the one he fell in love with. The one he married. The girl he knew watched good movies, or at least kept herself away from the obviously bad ones. He deletes them off the hard drive. He cancels your shared Netflix membership. He forbids you from visiting a video rental store (if you can find one) to get yourself another hit. He tells you, over your sobs and wails, that he loves you, and this is for your own good. He begs you to watch something else, anything else. "You want structureless films with bad actors that you can laugh at? Watch Showgirls! Watch anything directed by Uwe Boll! Watch Plan 9 from Outer Space! But please, for me, don't watch any more of this horrible schlock! I love you, and I don't want this to destroy you!"

I know, because this happened to my wife.

Now, thankfully, after weeks of pain, of tears, of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 detox, I have my wife back. Our marriage may never be the way it was before Twilight--the chance will always be there that she could try it again, to surreptitiously torrent it and watch it one more time "for nostalgia's sake"--but next time, I hope, she has the strength and the firsthand knowledge to resist that temptation.
the child she fathered with vampire Edward Cullen
I don't blame you for this - you're mostly coherent only days after subjecting yourself to this ridiculous film - but what's your editor's excuse?
I've only ever seen the second one (got dragged into the theater by a friend, not proud of it... anyway!) and I think the thing I found most frustrating about it was the wasted potential. Had Stephany Meyers chosen to focus on the fact the Cullans are basically the vampire X-men, facing against the bad ass super powered vampire Illuminati, this could have made for a cool premise... Instead, we see Bella mope around doing nothing for 75% of the movie, and the cool aspects are glossed over in about 10 minutes. It's just a travesty of plot.
@10 Combination of the grandmothers' names. Rene and Esmee.

Please, please someone, put Stephanie Meyers out of her misery before she attempts to start whaling on this dead horse again.