There's nothing good on TV this week—other than the usual awesome stuff! So that's why I'm going to spend this column recounting the story of The Hobbit—a book I've never read and know nothing about. Everybody's super-excited about the upcoming Hobbit movie... especially the Denny's chain of restaurants, which inexplicably created an entire Hobbit menu. I ate there the other day, and—well, shit yeah, I'm gonna eat off the Hobbit menu!! Even though I haven't read the book, I figured I'd just read the menu and learn everything I needed to know. (The "Gandalf Gobbler" was delicious, BTW—even if it was a sandwich instead of a wizard with an enthusiastic appreciation for oral sex.)

Anyway, now that I've educated myself, here's my plot synopsis of the book, based on everything I learned from the Denny's menu. Enjoy!

The Hobbit, by R. R. Trollken (based on the animated cartoon He-Man and the Masters of the Universe):

Long, long ago, before electricity and the internet, there were short, stubby people who lived in a place called "Middle Earth." Okay, I need to stop and call "bullshit" on this. How can it be in the middle of the earth and you can still see the sun shining? God, this book is so stupid already!

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