Last night was the mid-season finale for The Walking Dead, and say what you will about this show, it was purrrretty horror-larious! Would you like to chitty-chat about this? Then join me in the "Screaming Pit"—I mean, "after the jump" for my spoilerific observations, and your insanely incisive comments. LET'S GET WALKIN'!
- Courtesy AMC
- "Hey mister... this your kid? I caught her trying to eat my dog."
So here's what I'm thinkin'...
1) Oh, hello new group of survivors! I see you're on the run from zombies and led by fan-boy fave Tyrese—and he's here just in time because (OF COURSE) we're about to lose another black guy. (I'm starting to think zombies don't like black people!)
2) Anyway, as Tyrese's gang stumbles into the backdoor of the prison, Rick's Rangers sneak into the Woodbury Lesbian Liberal Arts College to rescue Glenn and Maggie—who are using makeshift zombie bone shanks to make an escape! (Extra points for that one, Glenn!) Of course it doesn't work, because Maggie forgets that the gun she's holding in her hand shoots bullets. Get it together, girl! Or rather, get it together writers... I'm starting to think you don't respect the intelligence of women very much.
3) That's when Guv'nah Morrissey (not that Morrissey) utters the line I will use every time an employee pisses me off: "TAKE THEM TO THE SCREAM PIT." Yesssssss!!! I'm totally installing one of those in our conference room. Anyway, we never get to see the awesome scream pit because Rick's Rangers throw smoke bombs in the room, which makes Redneck McRacist's gang forget the guns in their hands shoot bullets, and thereby throws the coddled residents of Woodbury into a hilarious panic.
4) Meanwhile back at the prison, that weird prisoner with the mustache (I'll call him "Jimmy Buffett") is macking on the 17-year-old daughter of Farmer McDrunky-Hobbleson which makes lesbian Carol insist she's not a lesbian. Yeah, surrrrre Carol. Whatever you saaaaaaaaaaay. (Can you tell I'm being sarcastic? 'Cuz she is SUCH A LESBIAN.) Wait... what's that sound? Tyrese and the gang fighting zombies in the back of the prison? Better send teenage Carl to investigate—BY HIMSELF—because "that's what my dad would do"???? WHATEVER. Naturally Carl saves the day, and imprisons the newcomers, because he is AWESOME and my new fave character.
5) Back at Woodbury, Michonne sneaks off to lay a trap for Guv'nah Morrissey when... hold on... what's this? A room full of decapitated heads in fish tanks? A zombie girl with a bag over her head locked in a closet? Now THAT'S JUST ODD. The Guv'nah walks in on Michonne who skewers zombie girl and upsets him a bit more by shoving a shard of glass into his eye. OUCH. (That's going to leave a mark.) Naturally, Blondie McGunnerson walks in and never considers for a second that her beloved Guv'nah had anything to do with this awful mess on the floor. Sheesh. WOMEN, AM I RIGHT? (Seriously, these writers need to take a Woodbury intro to feminism class.)
6) Meanwhile Rick's Rangers are trying to fight their way out when—that's strange—only the BLACK GUY is killed. Didn't see that coming! The writers attempt to make us forget this transparent bit of racism by having the shooter be... SHANE??? But... but... he's dead!!! OH, never mind. Rick was just imagining things. Now, what was I saying about that black guy? I can't remember.
7) Naturally the Guv'nah is pissed because a) inside Woodbury there are "terrorists" who hate freedom (thanks for the inspiration, George W. Bush), b) Rednecky McRacist was supposed to have killed Michonne, and he obviously DIDN'T, c) zombie daughter is dead and his fishtanks are broken, and d) there's a piece of glass in his eye. So he's gonna take it out on the captured Daryl AND his brother Racisty McRedneck because... you know... BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!
8) Annnnnd that's it for the first half of the season. Come back after the holiday break in February when... 1) Rick's Rangers fight their way back in to Woodbury to rescue Daryl and have some frozen yogurt, 2) the Guv'nah sends his hillbillies to take over the prison where they will methodically and cruelly be murdered by Carl (I hope), 3) Blondie McGunnerson will remain dumb as a box of stupid hammers, and 4) Carol will realize she actually is a lesbian... because, c'mon! SHE... IS... A... LESBIAN.
9) WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS EPISODE? Leave your comments in the "scream pit" below.
- Courtesy AMC
- "I don't care if he does have a zombie daughter and a fishtank full of heads. I LOVE THAT MAN OF MINE!!"