As we all know by now, on the 21st day of this month, the Mayan calendar supposedly predicts that a gigantic cataclysmic event will take place that will probably result in the destruction of the planet and all human life. This is awesome for the following reasons: (1) I'm too lazy to do my Christmas shopping. (2) I won't have to take down my Christmas lights. (3) All the people from other religions who make me feel guilty about celebrating Christmas will be dead. And (4) no more Walmarts.

Naturally, this Mayan-end-of-the-world thingy has some downsides, as well: (1) No Christmas sex toy gifts from random fanatical readers. (2) I still have to put up Christmas lights. (3) The end of the world will probably knock out my cable TV for at least a week or two. And (4) that big round stone Mayan calendar in my living room will now be useless.

HOWEVER! While the pros definitely outweigh the cons—did I mention no postapocalypse nagging from lonely relatives?—I figure there's got to be a way or two to either forestall the Mayan end of the world or stop it completely. For example... human sacrifice! Study any history book, and you'll quickly learn that Mayans were totes hot and heavy for human and animal sacrifice. Bad corn crop that year? Drop a virgin in a volcano! Dedicating a newly built temple? Carve the heart out of a child and drain the blood into a bowl to offer up to the gods! You know. THE YOOZSH.

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