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Friday, December 21, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Shopping Spree

Posted by on Fri, Dec 21, 2012 at 11:25 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published October 11, 2007:

I'm a 21-year-old female, and I've been going out with my boyfriend for four years. He wants me to masturbate for him, but I don't feel comfortable doing it. I love my boyfriend, but I cannot find a way to do this. I would like to do it. I just can't bring myself to let him watch.

Wishing And Needing To Satisfy

My response after the jump...

So don't let him watch, WANTS—not at first.

Here's what you do: Get your ass into a nice, cozy sex-toy shop—or visit one online (babeland.com, goodvibrations.com, comeasyouare.com, familychristian.com)—and buy yourself a pair of nice, cozy blindfolds. Then go to a big, intimidating hardware store and buy a big, intimidating roll of duct tape. Then go to a bright, shiny Apple store and buy yourself a bright, shiny iPod. Then have your boyfriend sit in a chair next to the bed, put one of the blindfolds over his eyes, slap a piece of duct tape over his mouth, and put a pair of headphones—not earbuds, headphones—over his ears. Then get in bed, put the second blindfold on yourself, forget he's in the room, and masturbate.

No need to be self-conscious: You can't see him; he can't see you—or hear what you're doing or speak to you.

Once you're used to masturbating with your sensory-deprived boyfriend in the room, try it without wearing a blindfold yourself. Once you're comfortable with that, do away with the headphones and let him listen. Once you're comfortable with him listening, stop taping his mouth shut and let him mumble sweet somethings. Then ditch his blindfold and let him watch.

And, no, I'm not kidding—this will work, WANTS, trust me.

 

Comments (24) RSS

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1
Nope. He should dump her. 4 years and she is still that sexually repressed? I can only assume their sex life is crap.
Posted by wxPDX on December 21, 2012 at 11:33 AM · Report this
Fred Casely 2
What's an iPod?
Posted by Fred Casely on December 21, 2012 at 11:33 AM · Report this
Supreme Ruler Of The Universe 3

Did you ever think that a guy getting sex, especially over a long period of time, is like a gambler on a winning streak.

Like at first, he's just glad to get sex...any sex, even if its like blowing a load. But then...he wants to go further. It's not enough...there always has to be something more.

But the guy gets over confident. He thinks, well, if she has been doing me for all this time, I must be golden. I should "go for more".

But what guys have to realize is, girls control it all. It's like a giant Union that somehow measures what everyone is getting and allocates how much based on what the Union can ultimately get back.

So eventually a guy like this is going to ask for more, like 2 girls etc etc. But typically at some point the girl, who is a card carrying Union member, will just up and leave.

And then the guy, who thinks he is all that, will find that no, he can't find another girl. The Union has closed his account...or he can just "pay up" like everyone else.
Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe http://www.you-read-it-here-first.com on December 21, 2012 at 11:39 AM · Report this
Matt the Engineer 4
Sorry that happened to you @3*. Here's a tip. Women aren't that different than men, and often want the same things. Stop trying to see yourself as an employer, instead consider yourself a partner.

* minor assumption involved
Posted by Matt the Engineer on December 21, 2012 at 11:47 AM · Report this
bearseatbeats 5
Word @4.

Seriously, @3, women aren't magical unicorns, they're people. Stop lurking on Reddit and talk to them like human beings for a change.
Posted by bearseatbeats on December 21, 2012 at 12:08 PM · Report this
eclexia 6
I'm sad when I think about all the people who lived before duct tape was invented. Unable to fix anything in their houses. Unable to masturbate.
Posted by eclexia on December 21, 2012 at 12:12 PM · Report this
7
WANTS, do you only ever have sex with the lights off? Do you make your boyfriend close his eyes when you are having sex? You do realize that sex is essentially simultaneous mutual masturbation, right? What about when he's fingering you? Or oral? How could it possibly be more embarrassing for him to watch you come from across the room than from two inches away with a finger or a tongue up inside you?

Yes, it is possible to simply realize, "Oh...I am being so completely irrational about this, it's absurd," have a good laugh, and get over yourself.

That said, if you still want to work your way up to it, and want something simpler than the elaborate setup that Dan suggested, get a web cam. That way you won't be masturbating as a show for him, you will be having sex together, but the physical activities involved are essentially identical (while you get used to the idea).

Also, you probably should try playing with yourself while having sex. (Betting you don't do that currently. Just a hunch.) Better orgasms, as well as getting used to touching yourself while he is present, which I would bet good money he will totally like. Win/win!
Posted by avast2006 on December 21, 2012 at 12:18 PM · Report this
8
Hey, @3 thinks that women are in control of sex because he considers women to be powerful and because certain reprehensible ideas have not occurred to him. Yes, I detect bitterness, but hey, there are worse things.

Looking on the bright side: Maybe it's your pitch, @3. Here's hoping you find a partner who's into what you're into.

I'm assuming that @3 is male.
Posted by DRF on December 21, 2012 at 12:26 PM · Report this
9
yeah this is a good idea. I had a girlfriend who had never owned a vibrator, so she was kinda shy about it at first when I bought her one. Luckily, we didn't have to do all these steps, she just wore the blindfold the first time while I watched and kept my mouth shut. by the time I bought her the second vibrator, she had definitely gotten over her shyness.
Posted by Catface Meowmers on December 21, 2012 at 12:34 PM · Report this
yelahneb 10
Dan's solution is pretty hot, issues or not.
Posted by yelahneb http://www.strangebutharmless.com on December 21, 2012 at 12:44 PM · Report this
tabathalphabet 11
Man, a handful of the comments here are so shaming. That's sad.

Girls get told from a young age that masturbation and sexuality is disgusting and horrible, that it's something boys can't avoid and therefore do, but we as women should never need or want to. It takes a long time for some women to come out of feeling like that, and WANTS has been with this dude for what I can presume to be most of her sexual life. It sometimes takes a few different kinds of partners to open up that side in you and let it be comfortable. Good advice from Dan. Working out of the box we get put in can be tough. Get em, grrrl.
Posted by tabathalphabet on December 21, 2012 at 12:53 PM · Report this
lizlemon 12
@3 Sounds like you had a bad time with your partner; that doesn't mean the rest of us women folk are sex-controlling slave workers.

@9 I can't help notice your username -- wizard people??
Posted by lizlemon on December 21, 2012 at 1:07 PM · Report this
zachd 13
I am one of many who would love follow-ups to a lot of these letters. It'd be interesting to see how people evolved and changed over the years. Dan: yet another book idea. :D
Posted by zachd http://zachd.com on December 21, 2012 at 2:42 PM · Report this
fannerz 14
@3: Women aren't vending machines you pop niceness coins into until sex falls out. Lose the victim-y whine. No one owes you sex.
Posted by fannerz on December 21, 2012 at 2:59 PM · Report this
Fortunate 15
@10, "Dan's solution is pretty hot, issues or not."

I was thinking the same thing. I don't have any hang ups about masturbating in front of my partner, but as I was reading that I was thinking I might just give it a try anyway.
Posted by Fortunate on December 21, 2012 at 3:22 PM · Report this
venomlash 16
@9, 12: I love a good cribbage match.
Posted by venomlash on December 21, 2012 at 3:22 PM · Report this
17
Not that long ago a guy asked me to masturbate in front of him. My thought was this: "Damn. I masturbate alone all the fucking time. When I'm with a man, I want whatever happens to include physically touching another human being."

I mean, I did this (for him), and it was okay (he was beyond thrilled as far as I could tell), but I felt like he was missing the point of us being in the same room with each other. Maybe it's different when you're four years into a relationship.
Posted by Sarah in Olympia on December 21, 2012 at 11:28 PM · Report this
Indighost 18
Here's my diagnosis of @3.

1. He was always a somehwat awkward guy around girls.
2. He got a girlfriend who he just kinda tolerated but enjoyed the sex.
3. Next, he got a girlfriend he liked better but who was still conservative and didn't want to indulge his ultimate fantasy.
4. She dumped him.
5. Now, he assumes all girls are like his 2 previous girlfriends.

@17: You fail to realize. Men are turned on by things that they can see with their eyes. When a man is having intercourse, he cannot see the vagina. When he is watching a lady masturbate, he can. Kapeesh?
Posted by Indighost on December 22, 2012 at 12:21 AM · Report this
sissoucat 19
My diagnosis of #3 is that he's a pompous troll.

@1 I've asked a male sex partner to masturbate in front of me and he declined. He "couldn't see the point" and didn't want to talk about it further.

So I'd love to hear from guys who would not like their girlfriends to watch them masturbate. Come on. Tell us why ?
Posted by sissoucat on December 22, 2012 at 3:18 AM · Report this
20
@11 - EXACTLY. Why are people talking about this like this woman has sexual hangups? Obviously, she doesn't, since she's trying to resolve the issue. What she has hangups about are her BODY. Because women are basically told by society that their body isn't good enough. That if she's not a model, she'll be rejected. I mean, look at the television, ugly guys get gorgeous women all the time, but the reverse doesn't really happen. Hell, ugly women rarely even make it onto the TV.

So, shocker, she's afraid of being rejected. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to someone while they are not being vulnerable in return is HARD. Having sex with someone is one thing - you both are getting naked and making weird noises and faces and getting messy and the like. But masturbating while someone is watching? In that case, *you're* the only one who's showing all of these goofy looks, etc.

Sure, she should probably realize that he knows what he's getting into, but this isn't about rationality. This is about being socialized to be ashamed of one's body, and a fear of rejection/vulnerability. Which is all very normal.
Posted by DarthKelly on December 22, 2012 at 6:19 AM · Report this
21
I think it's okay to not enjoy masturbating in front of someone. People are different and have different sexual responses; some people do not enjoy being watched. And while such a person might or might not be willing to give it a try for a partner, it's totally possible that he or she would continue not to enjoy being watched, and that the masturbation would fizzle out or end up being a (fake) performance.

And yes, doing something together is different from being watched.

All that said, Dan's suggestion seems like a good way to try to learn to like it.
Posted by Thisbe on December 22, 2012 at 7:06 AM · Report this
22
Can I just saw "ouch" for the duct tape ripping off hair. How 'bout some rope instead?
Posted by brucehs on December 22, 2012 at 9:49 AM · Report this
23
I was thinking the duct tape sounds a little dangerous - what if he can't breathe through his nose? can he just promise to stay quiet?
Posted by abrock_ca on December 22, 2012 at 12:37 PM · Report this
24
I was thinking of tender lip skin being detached from duct tape adhesive.
Posted by Barbara on December 24, 2012 at 8:25 AM · Report this

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