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Monday, December 24, 2012

Chastity Bears!

Posted by on Mon, Dec 24, 2012 at 10:54 AM


"No, not undersexed and overweight hairy gay men," says John at Americablog. "But rather, cute and fuzzy little white teddy bears that a girl can hug and cuddle with when she feels that special urge to kiss the hot stud down the street."

There's a special pocket in the neck of "Boyfriend Bear" where a girl can tuck letters, photos, and momentos. (And maybe something she wants to hide from her parents? Condoms? Birth control pills? Vibrators? Or is her Boyfriend Bear's neck the first place a chaste girl's parents would go snooping?) Girls are encouraged to "hug and cuddle" their bears while waiting for "future husbands" to come along. Boyfriend Bears:

The purpose of our Boyfriend Bear is to hold love, kisses, prayers, and a special letter! He is a visual and huggable reminder to stay pure, not just another stuffed bear to toss in the corner... We wrote a letters to our future husbands and tucked them away in our Boyfriend Bear’s secret pocket. It is our hope that you will do the same when you are ready. Some things we included in our letters were our current interests, a school picture, favorite Bible verses, and promises to Him. We can’t wait to give our Boyfriend Bears to our husbands on our wedding day and read these special letters with him.

Two thoughts:

1. Future Plushophiles of America.

2. Girls: If your future husband is the least bit excited about being presented with a Boyfriend Bear on your wedding night, congratulations! You married an "ex-gay"!

Go read John's breakdown of the "Boyfriend Bear Process." A teaser: "An hour and 45 minute long PowerPoint presentation? Dear God, it’s Gitmo for teenage girls."


Comments (46) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
And where are the chastity bears for boys? Oh right, this abstinence craze in the Christian right is a steaming load of misogynistic hypocrisy masquerading as morality...
Posted by esperando on December 24, 2012 at 10:59 AM · Report this
As a bear, I say: overweight, sure. Undersexed? Fuck no.
Posted by PoliGeek on December 24, 2012 at 11:00 AM · Report this
Skye Blu 3
Oooh, it'll go so nicely with the Pedo-bear plush!
Posted by Skye Blu on December 24, 2012 at 11:00 AM · Report this

What a Joke!
Posted by CDC on December 24, 2012 at 11:05 AM · Report this
ArtBasketSara 5
Oh man!! I need to get me like 5 or 6 of those. The stuffing is going to fly...

But seriously...I have my old teddy bear to soak up tears of loneliness thankyouverymuch... Total cash grab.
Posted by ArtBasketSara on December 24, 2012 at 11:06 AM · Report this
I would bet that your average girl could put that thing between her legs, and with just the right amount of flexing, climax.

Therefore, I wouldn't knock it for the 11-15 year old set.
Posted by Why are there cars? on December 24, 2012 at 11:07 AM · Report this
ArtBasketSara 7
...oh and it's probably time to write a letter... "Dear Dan, I think my boyfriend bear might be gay...."
Posted by ArtBasketSara on December 24, 2012 at 11:08 AM · Report this
this guy I know in Spokane 8
Cut the seam across the bottom, and that bear could be MY boyfriend...
Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on December 24, 2012 at 11:25 AM · Report this
supposedly this was dreamed up by a teenage girl. I didn't know that Citizen's United also let mega-church corporations also be teenage girls.
Posted by Little Red Ryan Hood on December 24, 2012 at 11:31 AM · Report this
seatackled 10
It seems like an unnecessary product; don't they already make electricity-powered chastity rods for girls?
Posted by seatackled on December 24, 2012 at 11:36 AM · Report this
And once you get married, Boyfriend Bear becomes Bitter, Jilted Stalker Bear and keeps texting you increasingly crazy messages about how your marriage won't last.
Posted by bobbyjoe on December 24, 2012 at 11:39 AM · Report this
Wait a minute, if they pull all this effort aimed exclusively at girls what exactly are they expecting the boys to do while all the girls are super pure?
Posted by Falcor on December 24, 2012 at 11:43 AM · Report this
dwightmoodyforgetsthings 13
@1- I'm pretty sure they realize pubescent boys would bang the girlfriend bear regularly.
Posted by dwightmoodyforgetsthings on December 24, 2012 at 11:52 AM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 14
Let's hope those bears are washable. Otherwise, years of ... uh ... activity would leave them in slightly less than a pure and pristine condition.
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on December 24, 2012 at 12:08 PM · Report this
Ophian 15
@1, Yup. It's all about girls staying Pure. ugh.
Posted by Ophian on December 24, 2012 at 12:10 PM · Report this
rob! 16
Out here on the Tumbleweed Turnpike, my Sulley plush helps me stay chaste durn near every day.

Mmmm. Long arms.
Posted by rob! on December 24, 2012 at 12:15 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 17
Saddlebacking is still ok, right?
Posted by Urgutha Forka on December 24, 2012 at 12:29 PM · Report this
Maybe the Magic Wand folks could team up with the Chastity Bear folks and come up with a bear girls could really find useful. Maybe put that "secret pocket" in a different location while you're at it. Better be sure that bear is washable.
Posted by SeattleKim on December 24, 2012 at 12:38 PM · Report this
this guy I know in Spokane 19
@17 - from what I hear, it's better than just OK.
Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on December 24, 2012 at 12:55 PM · Report this
I didn't realize John led such a sheltered life. As #2 says, "undersexed"? Hell no. I never yet have met an undersexed bear. And they're very cuddly before AND after.
Posted by Calpete on December 24, 2012 at 1:12 PM · Report this
MrBaker 21
I think they would rather have a chastity rabbit.
Posted by MrBaker on December 24, 2012 at 1:25 PM · Report this
Cato the Younger Younger 22
and for teenage boys...Chasity Cougar! She's always there for you to keep you pure!
Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on December 24, 2012 at 2:00 PM · Report this

Puts a whole new meaning on the Velveteen Rabbit, eh? Where the rabbit was "loved" until it's seams tore, stuffing came out, and fur wore off?
Posted by Lymis on December 24, 2012 at 2:04 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 24
Maybe we should argue that god wants them to have sex. After all, isn't it god that ripens their gonads at eleven or twelve? Or is there another element of evolution they'd co-opt?
Posted by Pope Peabrain on December 24, 2012 at 2:37 PM · Report this
Anne18 25
Gah! Why couldn't I have learned about this sooner! Would've saved me the time I spent fretting about what to get my sisters.
Posted by Anne18 on December 24, 2012 at 2:46 PM · Report this
Isn't this one of them gol' dang graven image things? There's a picture on the site of girls praying in a circle around the bears, that looks like a non-christian ritual for sure.
Posted by SifuMark on December 24, 2012 at 3:28 PM · Report this
@2 How you doin?

Love me some bears. Not the chastity type though.
Posted by Corydon on December 24, 2012 at 9:11 PM · Report this
This is inspiring! I have a sewing machine and am presently making my first Chastity Serpent. It will be just like the Serpent in the garden of Eden. It will keep you busy until you are legally married. Exterior is a 300 count sateen finish cotton with polyfil interior. Totally biblical and washable. Keep yourself pure while at the same time reaching Christian Climax. Blessings to all, and pray without ceasing.
Posted by Juan Alfredo on December 24, 2012 at 9:30 PM · Report this
Something else to look out for when you visit a girl's place. If she has one of those things sitting in the corner, get the hell out. That's your Krazy Kristian alert.
Posted by floater on December 24, 2012 at 11:11 PM · Report this
sissoucat 30
It's just... horrible... Unbelievably creepy !

"For girls who wait" all written in pink ? How old are the girls targeted ? 9 to 11 ? At that age, they're supposed to get married ??

John has to be a serious pervert to mix marriage, a serious adult stuff, with underage toys ! Pedobear !
Posted by sissoucat on December 24, 2012 at 11:18 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 31

Posted by Urgutha Forka on December 24, 2012 at 11:47 PM · Report this
Remember when people used to tell boys to take up stamp collecting and radio repair rather than masturbate? That's like telling someone to make sure to get enough sleep when they're hungry. Yes, thirteen-year-old girls like teddy bears. NOT REMOTELY THE SAME THING AS BOYFRIENDS.
Posted by DRF on December 25, 2012 at 7:32 AM · Report this
Y.F. Redux 33
I'd like to thank the religious right for creating another generation of kinksters.
Posted by Y.F. Redux on December 25, 2012 at 9:28 AM · Report this
eclexia 34
Girlfriend Beaver also comes with a "special pocket".
Posted by eclexia on December 25, 2012 at 11:42 AM · Report this
@20: John isn't saying that bears are undersexed, he's saying that CHASTITY bears are undersexed. They're chaste. Chaste bears don't have sex.
Posted by Dan Savage on December 25, 2012 at 1:17 PM · Report this
well_now 36
Not going to lie- one of my stuffed animals was my first masturbation aid. So, there's that... (not a furry: it was the strategically placed and stuffed tail that did it for me, not the plush- that was actually a drawback because I couldn't wash it)
Posted by well_now on December 25, 2012 at 2:07 PM · Report this
@1 - Just emailed them with a serious inquiry re: them making a product line for boys. Awaiting response with glee.
Posted by gnot on December 25, 2012 at 8:05 PM · Report this
Trying to single out individual wtfs from this sea of fuckery:

1) the founder, "Madison," says she was inspired by a book called "Poke the Box."

2) I find it disconcerting that the idea is that girls need a placeholder to "hug and cuddle" while waiting for a husband. It's been suggested upthread, but this idea might work much much better with a vibrator. If an inanimate "hug and cuddle" device will satisfy the hug-and-cuddle urge without tempting girls to go further and find real live people to hug and cuddle, wouldn't it stand to reason that a vibe could satisfy other urges without tempting girls to sin?

Posted by intube on December 26, 2012 at 9:22 AM · Report this
Apparently during the seminar girls also write letters to their future husbands. I can only assume that this means on the wedding night, grooms get presented with a well-"loved" bear and a 12-year-old's feelings about destiny.

Judd Apatow, that comedy premise is all for you.
Posted by Marone on December 26, 2012 at 9:45 AM · Report this
Fenrox 40
Chastity dildos will accomplish the same thing. Hell, you could even insert a special letter into the battery compartment, to always remember: Stay hot, stay tight and eventually this piece of plastic will be a yoga instructor that owns his own loft and can bend in the most wonderful ways.

That, I would buy for every 18 year old I know.
Posted by Fenrox on December 26, 2012 at 1:24 PM · Report this
Isn't a constant reminder of how you're not getting any going to make sex first and foremost on your mind, making it more likely that you'll ultimately break your pledge? Isn't giving girls a martyr complex about doing something "that everyone else isn't doing" a recipe for disaster?
Posted by MinnySota on December 26, 2012 at 5:43 PM · Report this
venomlash 42
@40: Yoga instructor? That's gaaay.
Posted by venomlash on December 26, 2012 at 5:59 PM · Report this

I'd imagine that girls in the sub-culture this is aimed at would be quite sheltered, and might like 'little girl stuff' later than girls in the general community.
Posted by James Hutchings on December 27, 2012 at 12:23 AM · Report this
John Horstman 44
So, yeah, my first thought was a stuffed bear that's specially designed for humping:
Chastity Bear! Do you love your current stuffed animals but wish they could you back? Well, your problems are solved with Chastity Bear, the first stuffed bear specially designed to help girls of all ages remain chaste until marriage. No more trying to awkwardly position a snout or arm in *just* the right spot, only to have it dislodge after a few pelvic thrusts - this bear will stay put when gripped between the legs, and his patented Love Vibes will make remaining chaste for your future husband a pleasure. Made from a durable, machine-washable polyester cover and filled with soft, stain-and-odor-resistant polyvinyl stuffing, Chastity bear is built to last until your wedding night. Batteries sold separately.

Actually, this might be a really, really good idea. Should I be pitching it to sex toy or children's toy manufacturers? Are there children's sex toy manufacturers? Some of those costumes for bondage-themed superheroes come close.
Posted by John Horstman on December 27, 2012 at 8:52 AM · Report this
Well, THAT was disappointing! Guess I'll ask my boyfriend for permission to jack off now.
Posted by paulieina2 on December 27, 2012 at 8:52 AM · Report this
John Horstman 46
@44: Damnit, my proof-reading sucks. Sentence two of my pitch should read, "Do you love your current stuffed animals but wish they could love you back?"
Posted by John Horstman on December 27, 2012 at 8:54 AM · Report this

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