6. My 50-year-old newly single, wheat- and lactose-intolerant aunt: "I'm really into crystals now. Especially amethysts, which absorb negative energy..."

5. My mother: "I wish you were as easy to breed as my dog."

4. Me to my brother: "What should I tell people that you do for a living?"
"I don't give a shit. Tell them I drive an ice cream truck."
"They know you're in the Navy."
"Tell them I drive an ice cream truck for the Navy."
"Why don't you tell them that?"
"People don't ask me dipshit questions."

3. A family friend: "Your brother says he's driving an ice cream truck now? I thought he was in the Navy?"

2. My dad: "Your dog is humping Ana again. I think she's going to need to change her pants."

1. My grandmother: "It's really the weirdest rash and it started in my anus..."