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Monday, January 7, 2013

Dear Stupid Seahawks "Fan"

Posted by on Mon, Jan 7, 2013 at 9:06 AM

Sent yesterday to the I, Anonymous mailbag:

Well sure, I guess you could call me a football hipster. I have wholeheartedly followed the Seahawks since the days of pretending to be John L. Williams in the backyard of my Seattle suburban home. You on the other hand are the shittiest fan in the history of shitty fans. Watching football with you is like watching a silent film with a blind person. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Come over and watch the game you ask? Usually by the first half you are already drunk and mumbling on and on about the new Frank Ocean album, preventing me from hearing the fucking game. When others arrive you love to share your wealth of football knowledge you obtained from the half hour pre-game show. I don’t know many coaches who like to run the prevent offense but you assured me that it is actually quite popular in the NFL. Again, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

The best part was when you said you were a huge Patriots fan because you really like the scene in Boston. Oh and that cute girl that you tried to explain the wildcat offense to, is actually a rad chick who follows the game more than anyone I know. Let’s do this one more time: You don't know what the fuck you're taking about.

Dear Anonymous: I know exactly how you feel. I hate it when know-nothing jerks babble over the Oscars.


Comments (26) RSS

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I hate it when know-nothing jerks babble over the Oscars.

Let's leave the judges out of this!
Posted by doceb on January 7, 2013 at 9:20 AM · Report this
Phoebe in Wallingford 2
Just because folks may not know what they're talking about doesn't always mean that what they are saying isn't true. Good Lord, such stupid and silly griping.
Posted by Phoebe in Wallingford on January 7, 2013 at 9:29 AM · Report this
This guy is judging and discouraging a fellow Seahawks fan because he isn't "good enough" for him?

I think the author is an infinitely shittier fan who needs to take sports much less seriously. It sounds like way too much of your identity is wrapped up in a bunch of grown men who you will never meet.
Posted by Swearengen on January 7, 2013 at 9:30 AM · Report this
Yup. I watched the game yesterday with a guy who totally knew what he was talking about, didn't laugh at me when I cheered for the wrong team and quietly explained what was going on in a way that didn't make me feel stupid. Which means I'll watch again. Which is the goal, right?
Posted by jt on January 7, 2013 at 9:34 AM · Report this
Sargon Bighorn 5
This typifies the problem with Seattle's pompous ass population, they try to out hipster one another. It's all so studied and fake.
Posted by Sargon Bighorn on January 7, 2013 at 9:45 AM · Report this
Max Solomon 6
what's all this football talk on Slog? let's talk more about the pro sports no one in Seattle cares about or can even go watch without crossing an international border, because that will be ironic & hilarious & demonstrate our disdain for the proles.
Posted by Max Solomon on January 7, 2013 at 9:47 AM · Report this
MacCrocodile 7
...preventing me from hearing the fucking game.

Maybe I'm revealing my own ignorance, but what's there to hear? Joe Buck (who I'm pretty sure is a prostitute from the '70s) and Troy Whateverman (who I'm pretty sure is just stupid) talking shit about the winning team? Yeah, must be rough not hearing all that.
Posted by MacCrocodile on January 7, 2013 at 9:49 AM · Report this
evilvolus 8
At least Troy Whateverman has the excuse that he was probably hit in the head a few times while actually footballing. Joe Buck was simply born a half-empty toolbox.
Posted by evilvolus on January 7, 2013 at 9:51 AM · Report this
kcrobinson 9
Every time anyone anywhere says anything about sports, they are faking it to a certain degree. I enjoy watching and talking about sports so I learn as much as I need to to get by with those I hang out with. Bullshitting is part of the fun. Anon is an ass for believing that his fake knowledge is superior to another's fake knowledge.
Posted by kcrobinson on January 7, 2013 at 9:57 AM · Report this
Bauhaus I 10
So, Dave, do you think Lincoln and crew have it pretty much sown up this year? I thought Zero Dark Thirty was a helluva cinematic experience. It gave me a very uneasy feeling on several different levels on several different issues - and really, what else can a great film do except get you involved and make you react?

Still, if you'll allow me to pretend to be a sixty-year-old Oscar voter who made Gandhi the best film of 1982....Zero Dark Thirty is too close to (which it isn't at all). I'm voting for Lincoln.

I think that would be OK with me, too, because Lincoln and cast and crew were marvelous.
Posted by Bauhaus I on January 7, 2013 at 9:59 AM · Report this
I am a better consumer of a particular entertainment product than you are.
Posted by pox on January 7, 2013 at 10:03 AM · Report this
The only thing boringer than yammering about football strategy is yammering about someone else's yammering not being good enough.
Posted by beef rallard on January 7, 2013 at 10:17 AM · Report this
Joe Bucks forehead is the second largest white monolith dedicated to god and country behind the Washington Monument. By inches.
Posted by Headlikeahole on January 7, 2013 at 10:23 AM · Report this
"know-nothing jerks who babble over the Oscars."

What is there to know about the Oscars?
Posted by GermanSausage on January 7, 2013 at 10:24 AM · Report this
Kinison 15
Way to show your true colors Stranger, by posting a hateful anonymous letter, which I suspect either Goldy or Chicago Fan wrote. If you dont have anything nice to say, if you cant even fake the enthusiasm, then just dont post anything at all.

When the Seattle Storm wins a playoff or even championship (which is the only time you post about them) its semi-sincere as its mostly a stab at other failing sports in Seattle. So why not just let people have some fun, why must you continue to rain on peoples short lived parades?
Posted by Kinison on January 7, 2013 at 10:27 AM · Report this
MacCrocodile 16
@10 - I haven't seen either of those, so I'm voting for Brave.

Hey, who wants to go see the Oscar-nominated short films with me at the Varsity? Football will be done by then, so we can babble about the Oscars. I plan to just regurgitate whatever Nate Silver said.
Posted by MacCrocodile on January 7, 2013 at 10:30 AM · Report this
Agent Michael Scarn 17
I tend to get aggravated by fans like that, as well. Of course, I also cringe at whiners and anyone who uses the phrase "rad chick" so let's just call offsetting penalties here and move on.
Posted by Agent Michael Scarn on January 7, 2013 at 10:46 AM · Report this

If a few comments on SLOG is all it takes to dampen your joy and enthusiasm, then maybe you didn't have all that much to begin with...
Posted by COMTE on January 7, 2013 at 10:57 AM · Report this
I think Phoenix uses that "prevent offense."

I personally enjoy it when the Hawks are good enough to draw the attention of non-fans and wannabes. The "prevent offense" comment alone would have kept me amused for a couple quarters.
Posted by J.R. on January 7, 2013 at 11:38 AM · Report this
Will in Seattle 20
Both Lincoln and Brave were more historically accurate than Zero Dark Thirty.

Here's a hint people, torture was NOT used to find Osama bin Laden.


Cause it doesn't work. Never has. Never will.

Torture "reasons" are all excuses by people who want to justify their own desire to do revenge cruelty on other people and pretend it works, when it never has.

(caveat - based on all the counter-terrorism I've ever been involved with and every real expert who has ever been involved with counter-terrorism)
Posted by Will in Seattle on January 7, 2013 at 12:12 PM · Report this
Sir Vic 21
What LW doesn't get is that this isn't a problem with football knowledge. It's the old Cry For Attention.
Turn on the Oscars, and they'll say stupid stuff about that. Have a book reading, and they'll keep talking despite the shushing.

Either pay attention to the child or stop putting them in a room with other people.

If that doesn't work, might I suggest some COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR? The wildcat prevent will start to make sense.
Posted by Sir Vic on January 7, 2013 at 12:28 PM · Report this
stuckie 22
Devil's advocate: this is his internal monologue. For all we know, he was that nice guy @4 references, just getting irritated on the inside until he had to take it out (anonymously) online. If he'd chewed out his "ignorant" companion, he may have gotten his catharsis directly.
Posted by stuckie on January 7, 2013 at 12:46 PM · Report this
yelahneb 23
Dude should just stop hanging out with him if it's such a fucking chore. I don't understand the point of the Anonymous submissions from people who have the freedom to either confront or avoid the subject of their rants.
Posted by yelahneb on January 7, 2013 at 1:22 PM · Report this
TVDinner 24
I was into football before it was cool to be into football.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on January 7, 2013 at 2:01 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 25

And if he also gets so touchy about other people being obnoxious while watching a football game (which obviously is so incredibly rare) then perhaps he should consider only ever watching games at home alone.

I also can get really touchy when watching a movie I really love with someone who's obnoxious, which is why I don't watch movies I really love with obnoxious people, or with my boyfriend when he's shitfaced.
Posted by keshmeshi on January 7, 2013 at 2:23 PM · Report this
blip 26
Whatever. I was pretending to be John L. Williams in the motherfucking womb. By the time I was in elementary school I was pretending to be a really obscure football player no one else has ever heard of.
Posted by blip on January 7, 2013 at 2:38 PM · Report this

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