Volunteers Wanted for Mars Exploration: Relax, they just want your eyeballs. The real fake astronauts are busy feeling depressed and sleep deprived in a closet somewhere. For science!

Seattle Shells Out $75,000 for Excessive Force: "A civil-rights lawsuit brought by a man hit so hard during his 2008 arrest that his head bounced off the hood of a Seattle police patrol car has been settled, with the city agreeing to pay $75,000."

Pound of Flesh for a Pound of Flesh: Presidents at six public universities in Washington will agree to a two-year tuition freeze provided the legislature restores $225 million in state funding for higher ed.

Chewing Off the Hand That Fed It: As banks agree to settlements to help clean up its share of the mortgage crisis, AIG considers suing the federal government for its 2008 bailout because why the fuck not?

Dad Sez Get a Life: "A man in China hired virtual 'assassins' to hunt down his son in online video games and kill off his avatar, according to local media."

Microwaves! Move over popcorn, someone's getting a makeover. Now featuring fish and beef jerky!

Guns 4 Ca$h: Seattle and King County set to announce a gun buy-back program today. $tay tuned for detail$!

George Saunders Is Pretty Swell: I meant to post this leisurely blow job about him last week but forgot. Go read it now!

Touched by a Priest, Fingered by a Judge: A California judge has ordered the LA archdiocese to release the names of church leaders who mishandled child sex abuse allegations.

WWRLD? A new reality series debuting in April will show Ryan Lochte waxing his abs, preparing for the 2016 Olympics, talking to girls, making shoes, wearing shoes, taking his abs for a walk.

The Aurora Theater Shootings: Yesterday, the preliminary hearing began to determine whether James E. Holmes will stand trial for the July 20 rampage that killed 12 people and wounded at least 70 others:

[Officer] Grizzle recounted how he loaded victims in his patrol car and sped them to the hospital because it was faster than waiting for an ambulance. After several trips there was so much blood in his car he could hear it slosh as he sped around corners.

And finally, if you didn't see it yesterday, here is the saddest graph you'll see today.