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Sunday, January 20, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: She's a Very Kinky Girl

Posted by on Sun, Jan 20, 2013 at 10:11 AM

Originally published February 28, 2008:

At first glance, I am the guy your mother wants you to marry. Successful, sweet, clean shaven. Below the surface, I am the guy your mother warned you about: pierced tongue, tattoos, a ton of kinks. A couple of months ago, I met a woman who wanted to be a sex slave. We talked about relationship expectations and because of a few deal breakers (she is older than me, she has kids from a past marriage, our career goals differ) we said that this wasn't going anywhere beyond a temporary fling. Now she comes to my house a couple of times a week, puts on lingerie, blows me, does my dishes, blows me, gets tied up/spanked, picks up my dirty laundry, blows me again, and then leaves. Needless to say, I am quite happy with the situation.

Now I have met a great woman who I like and am looking to start a "normal" relationship with (read: still hot kinky sex, just no need for her to crawl on all fours when she enters my house, as fun as that is to watch). She has been hurt before and wants to spend a long time "getting to know each other" before we move toward anything physical. We have both acknowledged that we are interested in pursuing a relationship, just not yet. Given my situation, i.e., all those blowjobs from the submissive, I have no problem waiting as long as girlfriend material wants before we start something physical.

My question is on Dom/sub slave etiquette. Assuming things with this new woman work out, at what point should I break up with my sub? Should I tell her about the other woman? Should I tell her in advance we are ending ("Your next visit will be our last") or should I just ask her to come over and break up then ("We both knew this was only going to last so long")? Do I help her find a new Dom? This isn't a regular breakup, so I'm not really sure how to do it. My sub loves to serve, so would it be cheating on my next girlfriend if I let her keep doing domestic tasks for me, but nothing sexual? Should I tell my next girlfriend that I had a sex slave for a while?

Deciding On Method

Hm. My mother never warned me about guys with piercings, tattoos, or kinks. My mother did, however, warn me about guys who think a hidden tattoo or a discreet piercing somehow makes them more interesting than they actually are. "Those guys are always douchebags," my mother used to say. Still does. But, hey, my mom isn't the guest expert you need.

"The fact that you're having a Dominant/submissive relationship with this older woman is immaterial," says Mistress Matisse, a pro Dom, expert flogger, and prolific blogger (mistressmatisse.blogspot.com). "It's an intimate sexual relationship, so forget D/s in your handling of this. It's clear that you'd be happy to continue on with them both, at least for a while, so the question is more polyamory skills than BDSM etiquette."

So what does Matisse think you should do?

"Tell both women exactly what's going on, immediately," Matisse continues. "Your girlfriend-to-be wants to get to know you? If she can't handle that you've been having a D/s relationship, you better find that out now. Her response will certainly give you a clue as to how kinky your future sex life with her might be. But full disclosure, pronto, is best. Anyone who has been 'hurt before' is apt to be touchy about discovering perceived dishonesty down the road."

And what about your sub?

"Your submissive is also deserving of your honesty," says Matisse. "She may decide she wants to end your relationship, or she may be willing to continue in a nonsexual arrangement. If you are extremely lucky, your submissive and your GF-to-be may decide they can coexist in some fashion. God knows I've dated men who really needed someone to pick up after them, and I sure as hell wasn't going to do it."

And how does one properly break up with a submissive, if it comes to that?

"Make a date with your submissive and respectfully inform her that you are ending the relationship," says Matisse. "Wish her well and say good-bye, no last blowjobs for the road. And do not offer to find her a new Dominant—trust me, she'll have no trouble at all finding another Dominant to accept an arrangement like the one you've described."

 

Comments (23) RSS

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1
Great advice. Remember, some of the most painful lies are told in silence. Tell everyone what they need to know. Then it's their turn to be honest with you.
Posted by Keey on January 20, 2013 at 10:48 AM · Report this
2
Ann Landers would go to the Cardinal of Chicago - Dan has his own go-to set of outside experts. Gotta love it.
Posted by Pope Buck I on January 20, 2013 at 10:50 AM · Report this
seatackled 3
Another rerun? Sigh. Guess people have all the poo-eating stuff figured out these days.
Posted by seatackled on January 20, 2013 at 11:02 AM · Report this
4
New SLLOTDs Mon-Fri, reruns on Sat-Sun. Didn't use to send out a SLLOTD on the weekend at all.
Posted by Dan Savage on January 20, 2013 at 11:32 AM · Report this
Ballard Pimp 5
Yo, DOM! Send her my way...

And best wishes to my old friend MM.
Posted by Ballard Pimp on January 20, 2013 at 12:10 PM · Report this
6
I'm loving weekend letters, reruns or not. Thanks Dan!!! You rock.

Flower
Posted by Flower on January 20, 2013 at 12:54 PM · Report this
7
Reruns good. Dan or his staff presumably are picking favs, so far they've been great.
Posted by delta35 on January 20, 2013 at 1:03 PM · Report this
8
Only prob with reruns so far they're fairly recent. How about some true vintage ones?

Even antique ones, from when Dan was a college kid writing advice... that would be really fun. Plus pics of Dan in college for the spank bank.

Before teh interwebs, according to wikipedia...

Back when men were real men, gays were real gays, and Dan was rude & sassy & a twink.
Posted by delta35 on January 20, 2013 at 1:09 PM · Report this
mikethehammer 9
I remember this one in it's original run. Remember thinking to myself, "Whoa! Tattoos & a pierced tongue... This dude must be alternative! I wonder if he listens to Nickelback!?!"

Agree with @8 that some 90's era reruns would be highly entertaining.
Posted by mikethehammer on January 20, 2013 at 1:16 PM · Report this
10
Another day in Gommorah.

Ash Heap, here we come....
Posted by we all fall down on January 20, 2013 at 2:36 PM · Report this
11

Perhaps this is my straightgirl ignorance, but would even young Dan have qualified as a twink? I picture twinks as pretty, hairless blondes, and skinny - like Terry used to be before he got all buff.

Posted by Velvetbabe on January 20, 2013 at 2:41 PM · Report this
12
Coming out of the woodwork to say that when this question first ran, my mind was BLOWN. This column was a huge influence on me -- for the first time I realized what sort of situation might really work for me. It was a "thing!" There were other people who did things like this!

Hugely formative, in a very good way. *grin*
Posted by dianasquiver on January 20, 2013 at 3:08 PM · Report this
nocutename 13
@12: Presumably, the "things like this" that you refer to and that you like, was being in a D/s relationship (on whichever end), not the being a narcissist and a douche.

Posted by nocutename on January 20, 2013 at 4:50 PM · Report this
seandr 14
Ah yes, I recall this gem - I've done a number of my own reruns of it.
Posted by seandr on January 20, 2013 at 5:18 PM · Report this
Posted by sirkowski http://www.missdynamite.com on January 20, 2013 at 5:41 PM · Report this
16
Am I the only one who disagrees with the advice here? It's easy to say "be honest and open." I'm down with honest, but open is more on a need-to-know basis. Does someone he's not even dating yet need to know that he has a sex slave? Does his submissive partner need to be told, "I've met someone I like better than you, and as soon as things get going with her, I am going to drop you?"

I'd say with the new gal, if and when it comes up, a simple "there's a friend I see sometimes" would suffice. Spare her the graphic details; she doesn't need that in her head. And his current partner doesn't really need to know anything about this might-become-his-real-girlfriend person. Later, if it does develop into something: "I've met someone."

All respect to Matisse, but I think her advice here might be informed by the fact that she is a polyamorous female. There's no indication that this guy is poly; he's a straight dude with a fuckbuddy (who happens to be submissive). Due to guys' horniness and all-sex-is-good-sex attitude, women--like Matisse--tend to have more latitude to be "open and honest" (especially if they are hot). Consider the difference between a woman telling a man, "I want to come over twice a week, screw you, and leave, no questions asked," and a man telling a woman the same thing....
Posted by Adversary on January 20, 2013 at 5:49 PM · Report this
17
@16 Isn't that what the guy in this scenario is already doing? Hey, sub lady #1, I want you to come over here twice a week, screw me, and leave, NSA. And they are both good with that. Isn't that what fuck buddies are? Isn't that a pretty common thing to do?
Do you think a woman who is willing to clean his house and blow him multiple times a week to whom he has made clear it's not going to ever be serious is going to be shocked when he meets someone else? Any more than he'd be shocked if she did? Dan didn't tell him to tell her he was going to drop her then keep up the relationship until he drops her. He told him to make it a clean considerate kind break up, invite her over, tell her, done. If it doesn't work out with new girl he can always try starting up with her again.
And don't you think new gf should know bf is seriously into his kinks and has been able to indulge them in the past to a significant degree, and will likely wish to do so again when he is with her in the future needs to know that ASAP before she gets all emotionally attached? That she has some realistic idea of the scope of it? He's a dom. She should know. If he likes sex slave play, she should know. At that point, if it were me, I'd ask if he'd had a sex slave before, or if he wanted me to do that for him and what it would entail. If it's important to him (and I can't imagine it wouldn't be) she should know that's on the table very close to the beginning.
I'd guess there's a lot of people out there who have had fuck buddies. This is kinda like that. All parties are kinky so that's not adding anything scary to the mix, just should be discussed so they know it's a good match.
I guess I don't see a good reason to not discuss it up front. It spares everyone pain, including and especially tender new gf.
More...
Posted by gnot on January 20, 2013 at 6:15 PM · Report this
18
@16 your approach misses the point. Being in a role says something informative about a person. The new girl might change her mind on the guy given his role with his sub, which is her right. That'd save them both a lot of time and maybe pain. We should assume she will find out eventually if they stay together, and she will feel rightly deceived. It's better for everyone to do this sooner rather than later. Never mind that the sub might change her mind, too. Your advice amounts to: keep both women in the dark so neither can make informed decisions about their lives and bodies.
Posted by wxPDX on January 20, 2013 at 8:16 PM · Report this
19
@16: "I'd say with the new gal, if and when it comes up, a simple "there's a friend I see sometimes" would suffice."

Bull fuckingshit. What's the purpose in not mentioning the sexual relationship? You're not holding hands, you're getting blown. Underplaying it is disrespectful to both ladies.
Posted by agreed that the dude isn't as interesting as he thinks on January 20, 2013 at 10:18 PM · Report this
milemarker 20
Glad it's a re-run because I missed the first 20 years. Every time I see a D/s letter I aways wish I were the D/ to Joe Biden's /s (it's the smile), then I go fantasize about my neighbor two houses over and across the street (the one with the Marine Corp flag flying out front) who has hair like Joe Biden's when he was younger. So, excuse me. BRB. Ah! Cigarette?
Posted by milemarker on January 20, 2013 at 11:43 PM · Report this
21
I remember this column when it first ran, and what Dan's mom said about the douchebags with hidden tattoos and peircings stuck with me. Now everytime I found myself around an unremarkable guy who thinks he's a serious bad ass because he has some half-sleeves, I snicker to myself and think of that line.
Posted by DrReality on January 21, 2013 at 5:18 AM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 22
I kind of like the new SLLOTD schedule with reruns. But, can we get into the deep archives? Like the very first letters you've written? Those could be fun. Especially if follow-ups ever happened.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on January 21, 2013 at 8:00 AM · Report this
23
In my experience, any variation of the phrase "I'm the type so-and-so warned you about" is an instant douche-flag. Even thinking a hidden tattoo makes you a badass isn't as bad as actually saying those words.
Posted by Catface Meowmers on January 22, 2013 at 6:36 AM · Report this

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